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November 3, 2005, 8:56 am PST
major issues
Quote From: dssm_1301My husband and I have been married for 3 years now. I have 1 child from a previous marriage, he has 2 children from a previous marriage and we have 1 child together. Back in March of this year, his children went to live with their Mom. I believe it was because we had rules and responsibilities at our home. Anyway, the oldest, now 17 has moved back with us. Mom basically kicked her out. Before she moved back, my husband and I discussed that some rules and responsibilities are going to be set up front. Needless to say, Dad has not set any rules or responsibilities for her. I believe he is afraid of making her mad at him so he is expecting me to bring up these rules and responsibilities. My biggest problem right now is she stays out late each night and then won't get up in the mornings to go to school. My husband seems to think it is my responsibility to make sure she gets up for school. (Even if I get her up, she still doesn't make it to school on time) My stand point is, if she can't get up for school each morning, she doesn't need to be staying out each night. She needs a curfew. His stand point is she is 17, what am I suppose to do? Should I just not worry about it and just get her up each morning for school? I see this continuing into college (if she goes to college) and then into adulthood. When should she be responsible for getting herself up? I think that you are correct, it does sound as though your husband is "afraid" of making her mad or triggering a fit from his daughter, so he's taking the cowards way out. However, there is no need for you to say those things to him because it will only cause him to be defensive. Instead, do something constructive. Without anger, talk to your husband about the two of you presenting a united front while talking to the daughter. You and your husband should come up with a list of reasonable limits, curfews, chores, etc., and sit down with the daughter and tell her what they are. Ask her if she has any questions, and then answer her questions calmly. Don't allow her to change the subject by having a tantrum or anything- just ask her for respect and let her know she will receive respect back. She does need limits, it doesn't matter that she is 17... its silly to say that because she is 17 she doesn't need a curfew... she needs to get a good night of rest so that she can think straight at school. Your husband isn't doing his job as a responsible parent if he chooses to look the other way while his daughter flounders.. this girl is begging for limits, you need to advocate for her. But that doesn't mean you be the bad guy! You want what is best for her, and I'm sure that her dad does, too. He is just to timid to enforce the rules. Also, you need to present her with reasonable concequences when she breaks the rules. I wish you the best!! Take your power back today!
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