Replies to 'Obesity'
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August 6, 2005, 12:33 am PDT
 Quote From: sunshyn I am 37 yrs old now. I will be 38 next month. Every day that I get up, I feel how big I am and I really don’t like it. My son is now 12 yrs old. He will be a teenager in December. All these yrs that he has been growing up, I never once thought of the day where I would have to meet any of his friend’s, or his friend’s parent’s. But that day finally came.
Last Sunday on the 17th of July, the time came for all of us to meet David’s friend and his family.
The parent’s of his friend has two kids and they are both boys. I was fine with meeting the parent’s, but I was afraid to meet the two kids. Other Kids have always picked on David when he was at school, and there was a day that me and David were talking, and he told me that he was afraid for any he knew to see me with him, because then they would know that I was his mother. He was afraid that they would then start picking on him even more, and then start calling me names along with it…and he didn’t want that to happen.
I don’t blame him. Kid’s can be very cruel ! And it makes it even worse when your child has to wear glasses, and has trouble stuttering…which is not his fault in any way !
Well, when we all met them at the bowling ally, I walked in wishing that I could make myself invisible, or smaller than what I really was. I reluctantly and slowly walked in and saw the mother standing there in front of the desk where they keep the shoes. I wanted to turn around and walk right back out that door, or get behind Grant so she couldn’t see me. In fact, I did keep looking back at him hoping and wanting him to walk up ahead of me, so he would be the first one they saw, and he did, but he never got in front of me. Instead he always stayed beside me, but just up ahead of me a little bit on the side.
She finally saw me and reached out to shake my hand, and I of course shook hers. Then after everyone met each other, we went to our lane where we were going to be bowling. She sat down at the table and all the kids started taking their shoes off and getting ready to bowl. I was just standing there next to the table and I looked at her and kinda smiled, but had tears in my eyes..and then I started crying. She asked me what was wrong, and I looked at her and said “Look at me” I was ashamed that they actually saw me the way that I was..I mean, big and all.
We had a long talk and she told me not to worry about that, and that she was raising their children better than that. She said “Your still a person that has feelings. I don’t care how big or how small or how short or tall or even what color you are! We’re still all human beings” I felt a little relieved after she said that, but I was still wondering what the kids themselves were really thinking about me. I mean, they all acted nice to me to my face, like they liked me, but what someone is to your face, is not necessarily how they feel about you when they are behind your back.
Do I have a low self esteem? Yes, of course I do, and I think that this letter proves it. Not only to myself, but to anyone else who reads it. I have always disliked myself, and I guess from the way things are going, that I always will. I don’t know.
I have pictured myself laying in my own casket many times now, and yes, its always been me laying there with me being this big. I don’t want to leave my family behind. I love Grant very much, and me and David not only love each other, but we have a very close mother son relationship. I don’t know what he would do without me, or what Grant would do. I want to stay with both of them for a long time, and yet I fear that I may be cutting my life short, or at least what’s left of it.
No. I am not depressed right now. I haven’t been that way for a long time now, and I am soo glad ! I wouldn’t want that to come back for nothing in the world. I am just sitting here writing down on paper how I really feel about myself, and the thoughts that go through my head from time to time.
Right now I am on five different medications, obviously for different reasons. I am only allowed six meds per month, because I have Medicaid. The older I get, it seems like the more things are going wrong with me, but then I guess that’s just life. But I am still so young, and I would not doubt that some of it may be because I am so big. How ever, I do know of three or four things that do not have anything to do with my size, and those are , Acid Reflux, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Protein in urine & IBS. I don’t know about my Depression, but I do not think that my size has anything to do with it, because I was having trouble with that even when I wasn’t as big as I am now!
Today July 21, 2005. My husband is off today, and I usually go out with him all the time. We all do. But I told him last night that I didn’t want to go out today, and I told him that it was because we had all been going out so much lately, that I just wanted to stay home today. Well, I really didn’t lie to him, I just didn’t tell him all of my reason for staying home. I didn’t want to go out because of the way I look. Ever since the other day when all of us met the other family to the bowling ally, I really haven’t been in the mood to go anywhere. I don’t know what it is, but ever since I have met the other family, knowing that one of their kids is David’s friend from school, I just haven’t felt right, because I honestly was never really expecting to meet anyone from his school, other than his teachers.
Down deep I knew the day was coming, but in another way I was also thinking that because so many kids made fun of David at school that none of us would ever meet any of them, which kinda made me relax to the point where I never thought about it. That is until Kym called me one night and started talking to me about our kids getting together and playing etc.. I never thought that I would even re-act the way I did, until it came right down to meeting them! I told Grant on the way to the ally that I was afraid to meet the kids.
I don’t understand what my own husband sees in me. I never have. I have told him this many times and every time he has always told me that he did not fall in love with me for or because of my body, but that he fell in love with me because of who I am. Maybe love is blind.. I have had many of other people tell me that they like me, because of the way I am. I guess they are meaning my personality. I honestly don’t know. I do know that I am the type of person that is easy to get along with people. I always have been, and I’ve always cared about other people more than I have myself! That’s just the way I was raised, & that’s who I am.
Pretty? Your kidding, right?? I’m not pretty by a long shot!! Never claimed to be. I look at myself in the mirror and I disgust myself. I’m sorry, but I just can’t see how anyone can look at this body and tell me that I look nice! It makes me wonder if they need glasses, or new glasses.
I have talked to my Dr about having the gastric bypass surgery done, but he said that it wasn’t for me. My husband doesn’t even what me to have it done, neither does my son. My husband said that its to dangerous and that I have had enough surgery and my son says that he is to afraid that something might happen to me while they are doing the surgery! My Dr also told me that with me having Medicaid that I had to be at least 250 pounds over weight before they would let me do it. I am not gaining all that weight just so I can have the surgery! That’s stupid!!
My Dr also will not prescribe any diet meds to me either. So I guess I am totally screwed no matter what way I turn! To be honest though, I can understand him not letting me go back on Phentermine, because I was on it once before and after I stopped taking it, the side affect of me coming off of it was an irregular heart beat, which finally went away. When I was on that med, I was also going to a different Dr at the time. I may have had side affects when I came off of it, but while I was on it I lost over 80 pounds in eleven months, and I was proud of myself!! Thing is, I became a bitch.
Back then, I was hanging around the wrong crowd and I did things that I didn’t need to be doing, and after I had lost a lot of weight, I not only felt better about myself, but I started liking myself, thing is, I also started thinking that I was to good for my own husband and I started thinking that I deserved better than him, and so because I felt so good about myself and felt like I deserved better, I also had my nose stuck up in the air, so really I had become a snot nosed Bitch!!
Because of all of that, I am kinda afraid to lose this weight, because I am afraid of what I will be like, or what I will become after all the weight is off of me. I’m afraid of becoming that bitch all over again! I don’t want to be the way I was back then all over again! I would rather be big and miserable, then be small and stuck up and thinking about leaving my own Husband just because I think that since I am smaller that I deserve better. That’s Bull Shit! I would never be able to find someone that loved me as much as my husband does !! I don’t care if the other man has a big boat and a big house or not! He’s not worth it!!
Grant told me that yes, he is kinda afraid that I will be like that again, but that also seeing how I have already been down that road, he also knows that I will have my eyes wide open and be aware of what’s going on around me, and because I will be on my guard, that he does not believe that anything like that will happen this time. Plus I’m not hanging around the same crowd I used to hang around with yrs ago, so that means no more witch craft or drugs, and without all of that put together, I won’t have to worry about being “Brain Washed” all over again, by people who said they were my friends, when they really were not!!
Right now the way things are, I do not like my Husband looking at my body during the day, why? Because I am ashamed of my body. I don’t want him to look at me. Night time doesn’t bother me, cause all the lights are out and I feel more comfortable that way, unless He turns on a light, and then I ask Him to turn it off.
Whenever it is time for us to get ready to go some where, I always rush to get my clothes on so He won’t walk in on me without any clothes on. I don’t mind if He sees my top part, as long as I already have my pants on, because then I know that He can not see most of my stomach or anything else from the waist down. I guess what it really is, is that I don’t want Him seeing my stomach, because it is so big! You know, other people will say, “If you don’t love yourself you can’t love others” That’s Bull Shit, because there are a lot of people that I love and no one can tell me any different!!
Any ways, this is the way I feel about myself. I always have and I guess I always will. I just wanted to share it.
Dr Phil, if you can help me, or if anyone out there would like to write me, please send your e-mail to audry@ec.rr.com Please make sure tht when you write me that you include your name and e-mail address in the letter itself, so I can add you to my address book, so I will not lose it.
Sincerely, Sunshyn Hello Sunshyn,
I didn't read your whole message but I saw from some replies you got, that you're in need of friends. I could be one of those if you don't mind. I'm a 40-year old male from the Netherlands. I'm a counsellor, so maybe I can help you with some of your issues.
Jo |
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August 6, 2005, 12:33 am PDT
Quote From: sunshyn I am 37 yrs old now. I will be 38 next month. Every day that I get up, I feel how big I am and I really don’t like it. My son is now 12 yrs old. He will be a teenager in December. All these yrs that he has been growing up, I never once thought of the day where I would have to meet any of his friend’s, or his friend’s parent’s. But that day finally came.
Last Sunday on the 17th of July, the time came for all of us to meet David’s friend and his family.
The parent’s of his friend has two kids and they are both boys. I was fine with meeting the parent’s, but I was afraid to meet the two kids. Other Kids have always picked on David when he was at school, and there was a day that me and David were talking, and he told me that he was afraid for any he knew to see me with him, because then they would know that I was his mother. He was afraid that they would then start picking on him even more, and then start calling me names along with it…and he didn’t want that to happen.
I don’t blame him. Kid’s can be very cruel ! And it makes it even worse when your child has to wear glasses, and has trouble stuttering…which is not his fault in any way !
Well, when we all met them at the bowling ally, I walked in wishing that I could make myself invisible, or smaller than what I really was. I reluctantly and slowly walked in and saw the mother standing there in front of the desk where they keep the shoes. I wanted to turn around and walk right back out that door, or get behind Grant so she couldn’t see me. In fact, I did keep looking back at him hoping and wanting him to walk up ahead of me, so he would be the first one they saw, and he did, but he never got in front of me. Instead he always stayed beside me, but just up ahead of me a little bit on the side.
She finally saw me and reached out to shake my hand, and I of course shook hers. Then after everyone met each other, we went to our lane where we were going to be bowling. She sat down at the table and all the kids started taking their shoes off and getting ready to bowl. I was just standing there next to the table and I looked at her and kinda smiled, but had tears in my eyes..and then I started crying. She asked me what was wrong, and I looked at her and said “Look at me” I was ashamed that they actually saw me the way that I was..I mean, big and all.
We had a long talk and she told me not to worry about that, and that she was raising their children better than that. She said “Your still a person that has feelings. I don’t care how big or how small or how short or tall or even what color you are! We’re still all human beings” I felt a little relieved after she said that, but I was still wondering what the kids themselves were really thinking about me. I mean, they all acted nice to me to my face, like they liked me, but what someone is to your face, is not necessarily how they feel about you when they are behind your back.
Do I have a low self esteem? Yes, of course I do, and I think that this letter proves it. Not only to myself, but to anyone else who reads it. I have always disliked myself, and I guess from the way things are going, that I always will. I don’t know.
I have pictured myself laying in my own casket many times now, and yes, its always been me laying there with me being this big. I don’t want to leave my family behind. I love Grant very much, and me and David not only love each other, but we have a very close mother son relationship. I don’t know what he would do without me, or what Grant would do. I want to stay with both of them for a long time, and yet I fear that I may be cutting my life short, or at least what’s left of it.
No. I am not depressed right now. I haven’t been that way for a long time now, and I am soo glad ! I wouldn’t want that to come back for nothing in the world. I am just sitting here writing down on paper how I really feel about myself, and the thoughts that go through my head from time to time.
Right now I am on five different medications, obviously for different reasons. I am only allowed six meds per month, because I have Medicaid. The older I get, it seems like the more things are going wrong with me, but then I guess that’s just life. But I am still so young, and I would not doubt that some of it may be because I am so big. How ever, I do know of three or four things that do not have anything to do with my size, and those are , Acid Reflux, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Protein in urine & IBS. I don’t know about my Depression, but I do not think that my size has anything to do with it, because I was having trouble with that even when I wasn’t as big as I am now!
Today July 21, 2005. My husband is off today, and I usually go out with him all the time. We all do. But I told him last night that I didn’t want to go out today, and I told him that it was because we had all been going out so much lately, that I just wanted to stay home today. Well, I really didn’t lie to him, I just didn’t tell him all of my reason for staying home. I didn’t want to go out because of the way I look. Ever since the other day when all of us met the other family to the bowling ally, I really haven’t been in the mood to go anywhere. I don’t know what it is, but ever since I have met the other family, knowing that one of their kids is David’s friend from school, I just haven’t felt right, because I honestly was never really expecting to meet anyone from his school, other than his teachers.
Down deep I knew the day was coming, but in another way I was also thinking that because so many kids made fun of David at school that none of us would ever meet any of them, which kinda made me relax to the point where I never thought about it. That is until Kym called me one night and started talking to me about our kids getting together and playing etc.. I never thought that I would even re-act the way I did, until it came right down to meeting them! I told Grant on the way to the ally that I was afraid to meet the kids.
I don’t understand what my own husband sees in me. I never have. I have told him this many times and every time he has always told me that he did not fall in love with me for or because of my body, but that he fell in love with me because of who I am. Maybe love is blind.. I have had many of other people tell me that they like me, because of the way I am. I guess they are meaning my personality. I honestly don’t know. I do know that I am the type of person that is easy to get along with people. I always have been, and I’ve always cared about other people more than I have myself! That’s just the way I was raised, & that’s who I am.
Pretty? Your kidding, right?? I’m not pretty by a long shot!! Never claimed to be. I look at myself in the mirror and I disgust myself. I’m sorry, but I just can’t see how anyone can look at this body and tell me that I look nice! It makes me wonder if they need glasses, or new glasses.
I have talked to my Dr about having the gastric bypass surgery done, but he said that it wasn’t for me. My husband doesn’t even what me to have it done, neither does my son. My husband said that its to dangerous and that I have had enough surgery and my son says that he is to afraid that something might happen to me while they are doing the surgery! My Dr also told me that with me having Medicaid that I had to be at least 250 pounds over weight before they would let me do it. I am not gaining all that weight just so I can have the surgery! That’s stupid!!
My Dr also will not prescribe any diet meds to me either. So I guess I am totally screwed no matter what way I turn! To be honest though, I can understand him not letting me go back on Phentermine, because I was on it once before and after I stopped taking it, the side affect of me coming off of it was an irregular heart beat, which finally went away. When I was on that med, I was also going to a different Dr at the time. I may have had side affects when I came off of it, but while I was on it I lost over 80 pounds in eleven months, and I was proud of myself!! Thing is, I became a bitch.
Back then, I was hanging around the wrong crowd and I did things that I didn’t need to be doing, and after I had lost a lot of weight, I not only felt better about myself, but I started liking myself, thing is, I also started thinking that I was to good for my own husband and I started thinking that I deserved better than him, and so because I felt so good about myself and felt like I deserved better, I also had my nose stuck up in the air, so really I had become a snot nosed Bitch!!
Because of all of that, I am kinda afraid to lose this weight, because I am afraid of what I will be like, or what I will become after all the weight is off of me. I’m afraid of becoming that bitch all over again! I don’t want to be the way I was back then all over again! I would rather be big and miserable, then be small and stuck up and thinking about leaving my own Husband just because I think that since I am smaller that I deserve better. That’s Bull Shit! I would never be able to find someone that loved me as much as my husband does !! I don’t care if the other man has a big boat and a big house or not! He’s not worth it!!
Grant told me that yes, he is kinda afraid that I will be like that again, but that also seeing how I have already been down that road, he also knows that I will have my eyes wide open and be aware of what’s going on around me, and because I will be on my guard, that he does not believe that anything like that will happen this time. Plus I’m not hanging around the same crowd I used to hang around with yrs ago, so that means no more witch craft or drugs, and without all of that put together, I won’t have to worry about being “Brain Washed” all over again, by people who said they were my friends, when they really were not!!
Right now the way things are, I do not like my Husband looking at my body during the day, why? Because I am ashamed of my body. I don’t want him to look at me. Night time doesn’t bother me, cause all the lights are out and I feel more comfortable that way, unless He turns on a light, and then I ask Him to turn it off.
Whenever it is time for us to get ready to go some where, I always rush to get my clothes on so He won’t walk in on me without any clothes on. I don’t mind if He sees my top part, as long as I already have my pants on, because then I know that He can not see most of my stomach or anything else from the waist down. I guess what it really is, is that I don’t want Him seeing my stomach, because it is so big! You know, other people will say, “If you don’t love yourself you can’t love others” That’s Bull Shit, because there are a lot of people that I love and no one can tell me any different!!
Any ways, this is the way I feel about myself. I always have and I guess I always will. I just wanted to share it.
Dr Phil, if you can help me, or if anyone out there would like to write me, please send your e-mail to audry@ec.rr.com Please make sure tht when you write me that you include your name and e-mail address in the letter itself, so I can add you to my address book, so I will not lose it.
Sincerely, Sunshyn Hello Sunshyn,
I didn't read your whole message but I saw from some replies you got, that you're in need of friends. I could be one of those if you don't mind. I'm a 40-year old male from the Netherlands. I'm a counsellor, so maybe I can help you with some of your issues.
Jo |
|
|
October 12, 2005, 4:23 pm PDT
Quote From: sunshyn I am 37 yrs old now. I will be 38 next month. Every day that I get up, I feel how big I am and I really don’t like it. My son is now 12 yrs old. He will be a teenager in December. All these yrs that he has been growing up, I never once thought of the day where I would have to meet any of his friend’s, or his friend’s parent’s. But that day finally came.
Last Sunday on the 17th of July, the time came for all of us to meet David’s friend and his family.
The parent’s of his friend has two kids and they are both boys. I was fine with meeting the parent’s, but I was afraid to meet the two kids. Other Kids have always picked on David when he was at school, and there was a day that me and David were talking, and he told me that he was afraid for any he knew to see me with him, because then they would know that I was his mother. He was afraid that they would then start picking on him even more, and then start calling me names along with it…and he didn’t want that to happen.
I don’t blame him. Kid’s can be very cruel ! And it makes it even worse when your child has to wear glasses, and has trouble stuttering…which is not his fault in any way !
Well, when we all met them at the bowling ally, I walked in wishing that I could make myself invisible, or smaller than what I really was. I reluctantly and slowly walked in and saw the mother standing there in front of the desk where they keep the shoes. I wanted to turn around and walk right back out that door, or get behind Grant so she couldn’t see me. In fact, I did keep looking back at him hoping and wanting him to walk up ahead of me, so he would be the first one they saw, and he did, but he never got in front of me. Instead he always stayed beside me, but just up ahead of me a little bit on the side.
She finally saw me and reached out to shake my hand, and I of course shook hers. Then after everyone met each other, we went to our lane where we were going to be bowling. She sat down at the table and all the kids started taking their shoes off and getting ready to bowl. I was just standing there next to the table and I looked at her and kinda smiled, but had tears in my eyes..and then I started crying. She asked me what was wrong, and I looked at her and said “Look at me” I was ashamed that they actually saw me the way that I was..I mean, big and all.
We had a long talk and she told me not to worry about that, and that she was raising their children better than that. She said “Your still a person that has feelings. I don’t care how big or how small or how short or tall or even what color you are! We’re still all human beings” I felt a little relieved after she said that, but I was still wondering what the kids themselves were really thinking about me. I mean, they all acted nice to me to my face, like they liked me, but what someone is to your face, is not necessarily how they feel about you when they are behind your back.
Do I have a low self esteem? Yes, of course I do, and I think that this letter proves it. Not only to myself, but to anyone else who reads it. I have always disliked myself, and I guess from the way things are going, that I always will. I don’t know.
I have pictured myself laying in my own casket many times now, and yes, its always been me laying there with me being this big. I don’t want to leave my family behind. I love Grant very much, and me and David not only love each other, but we have a very close mother son relationship. I don’t know what he would do without me, or what Grant would do. I want to stay with both of them for a long time, and yet I fear that I may be cutting my life short, or at least what’s left of it.
No. I am not depressed right now. I haven’t been that way for a long time now, and I am soo glad ! I wouldn’t want that to come back for nothing in the world. I am just sitting here writing down on paper how I really feel about myself, and the thoughts that go through my head from time to time.
Right now I am on five different medications, obviously for different reasons. I am only allowed six meds per month, because I have Medicaid. The older I get, it seems like the more things are going wrong with me, but then I guess that’s just life. But I am still so young, and I would not doubt that some of it may be because I am so big. How ever, I do know of three or four things that do not have anything to do with my size, and those are , Acid Reflux, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Protein in urine & IBS. I don’t know about my Depression, but I do not think that my size has anything to do with it, because I was having trouble with that even when I wasn’t as big as I am now!
Today July 21, 2005. My husband is off today, and I usually go out with him all the time. We all do. But I told him last night that I didn’t want to go out today, and I told him that it was because we had all been going out so much lately, that I just wanted to stay home today. Well, I really didn’t lie to him, I just didn’t tell him all of my reason for staying home. I didn’t want to go out because of the way I look. Ever since the other day when all of us met the other family to the bowling ally, I really haven’t been in the mood to go anywhere. I don’t know what it is, but ever since I have met the other family, knowing that one of their kids is David’s friend from school, I just haven’t felt right, because I honestly was never really expecting to meet anyone from his school, other than his teachers.
Down deep I knew the day was coming, but in another way I was also thinking that because so many kids made fun of David at school that none of us would ever meet any of them, which kinda made me relax to the point where I never thought about it. That is until Kym called me one night and started talking to me about our kids getting together and playing etc.. I never thought that I would even re-act the way I did, until it came right down to meeting them! I told Grant on the way to the ally that I was afraid to meet the kids.
I don’t understand what my own husband sees in me. I never have. I have told him this many times and every time he has always told me that he did not fall in love with me for or because of my body, but that he fell in love with me because of who I am. Maybe love is blind.. I have had many of other people tell me that they like me, because of the way I am. I guess they are meaning my personality. I honestly don’t know. I do know that I am the type of person that is easy to get along with people. I always have been, and I’ve always cared about other people more than I have myself! That’s just the way I was raised, & that’s who I am.
Pretty? Your kidding, right?? I’m not pretty by a long shot!! Never claimed to be. I look at myself in the mirror and I disgust myself. I’m sorry, but I just can’t see how anyone can look at this body and tell me that I look nice! It makes me wonder if they need glasses, or new glasses.
I have talked to my Dr about having the gastric bypass surgery done, but he said that it wasn’t for me. My husband doesn’t even what me to have it done, neither does my son. My husband said that its to dangerous and that I have had enough surgery and my son says that he is to afraid that something might happen to me while they are doing the surgery! My Dr also told me that with me having Medicaid that I had to be at least 250 pounds over weight before they would let me do it. I am not gaining all that weight just so I can have the surgery! That’s stupid!!
My Dr also will not prescribe any diet meds to me either. So I guess I am totally screwed no matter what way I turn! To be honest though, I can understand him not letting me go back on Phentermine, because I was on it once before and after I stopped taking it, the side affect of me coming off of it was an irregular heart beat, which finally went away. When I was on that med, I was also going to a different Dr at the time. I may have had side affects when I came off of it, but while I was on it I lost over 80 pounds in eleven months, and I was proud of myself!! Thing is, I became a bitch.
Back then, I was hanging around the wrong crowd and I did things that I didn’t need to be doing, and after I had lost a lot of weight, I not only felt better about myself, but I started liking myself, thing is, I also started thinking that I was to good for my own husband and I started thinking that I deserved better than him, and so because I felt so good about myself and felt like I deserved better, I also had my nose stuck up in the air, so really I had become a snot nosed Bitch!!
Because of all of that, I am kinda afraid to lose this weight, because I am afraid of what I will be like, or what I will become after all the weight is off of me. I’m afraid of becoming that bitch all over again! I don’t want to be the way I was back then all over again! I would rather be big and miserable, then be small and stuck up and thinking about leaving my own Husband just because I think that since I am smaller that I deserve better. That’s Bull Shit! I would never be able to find someone that loved me as much as my husband does !! I don’t care if the other man has a big boat and a big house or not! He’s not worth it!!
Grant told me that yes, he is kinda afraid that I will be like that again, but that also seeing how I have already been down that road, he also knows that I will have my eyes wide open and be aware of what’s going on around me, and because I will be on my guard, that he does not believe that anything like that will happen this time. Plus I’m not hanging around the same crowd I used to hang around with yrs ago, so that means no more witch craft or drugs, and without all of that put together, I won’t have to worry about being “Brain Washed” all over again, by people who said they were my friends, when they really were not!!
Right now the way things are, I do not like my Husband looking at my body during the day, why? Because I am ashamed of my body. I don’t want him to look at me. Night time doesn’t bother me, cause all the lights are out and I feel more comfortable that way, unless He turns on a light, and then I ask Him to turn it off.
Whenever it is time for us to get ready to go some where, I always rush to get my clothes on so He won’t walk in on me without any clothes on. I don’t mind if He sees my top part, as long as I already have my pants on, because then I know that He can not see most of my stomach or anything else from the waist down. I guess what it really is, is that I don’t want Him seeing my stomach, because it is so big! You know, other people will say, “If you don’t love yourself you can’t love others” That’s Bull Shit, because there are a lot of people that I love and no one can tell me any different!!
Any ways, this is the way I feel about myself. I always have and I guess I always will. I just wanted to share it.
Dr Phil, if you can help me, or if anyone out there would like to write me, please send your e-mail to audry@ec.rr.com Please make sure tht when you write me that you include your name and e-mail address in the letter itself, so I can add you to my address book, so I will not lose it.
Sincerely, Sunshyn Hello it's amazing reading your letter... you sound exactly like me. I am at least 100 pounds overweight. I am absolutely miserable with myself. I lost it all once, while on the popular Phen - Fen - which is no longer available. (darn it!) I never felt better in my life while I was on the Phen/Fen. I felt in control of my eating like never before. I hide from my husband too... we haven't had sex in at least a year. I know he' s frustrated with me. He met me when I weighed about 150. I've just gained and gained.... emotional eating. haven't been able to brake this destructive habit.... I wake up every single day... and see my fat face in the mirror and I wonder how fat I can get! I feel like I am as big as a house. Don't know what he or anyone would see in me the way I am right now. Guess it's my wall of protection..... from the world.... the world isn't very kind to obese people. I know for a fact that thin people get treated better than overweight people.. when I was thinner.... the world was much kinder to me. I pray and pray that one day very soon that I wil just click into a healthy way of living... I read all the books, ... something in my head hasn't allowed me to do it.... and I hate myself for it...
Teresa Seattle WA dimartt@yahoo.com
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February 4, 2006, 7:45 pm PST
Quote From: sunshyn I am 37 yrs old now. I will be 38 next month. Every day that I get up, I feel how big I am and I really don’t like it. My son is now 12 yrs old. He will be a teenager in December. All these yrs that he has been growing up, I never once thought of the day where I would have to meet any of his friend’s, or his friend’s parent’s. But that day finally came.
Last Sunday on the 17th of July, the time came for all of us to meet David’s friend and his family.
The parent’s of his friend has two kids and they are both boys. I was fine with meeting the parent’s, but I was afraid to meet the two kids. Other Kids have always picked on David when he was at school, and there was a day that me and David were talking, and he told me that he was afraid for any he knew to see me with him, because then they would know that I was his mother. He was afraid that they would then start picking on him even more, and then start calling me names along with it…and he didn’t want that to happen.
I don’t blame him. Kid’s can be very cruel ! And it makes it even worse when your child has to wear glasses, and has trouble stuttering…which is not his fault in any way !
Well, when we all met them at the bowling ally, I walked in wishing that I could make myself invisible, or smaller than what I really was. I reluctantly and slowly walked in and saw the mother standing there in front of the desk where they keep the shoes. I wanted to turn around and walk right back out that door, or get behind Grant so she couldn’t see me. In fact, I did keep looking back at him hoping and wanting him to walk up ahead of me, so he would be the first one they saw, and he did, but he never got in front of me. Instead he always stayed beside me, but just up ahead of me a little bit on the side.
She finally saw me and reached out to shake my hand, and I of course shook hers. Then after everyone met each other, we went to our lane where we were going to be bowling. She sat down at the table and all the kids started taking their shoes off and getting ready to bowl. I was just standing there next to the table and I looked at her and kinda smiled, but had tears in my eyes..and then I started crying. She asked me what was wrong, and I looked at her and said “Look at me” I was ashamed that they actually saw me the way that I was..I mean, big and all.
We had a long talk and she told me not to worry about that, and that she was raising their children better than that. She said “Your still a person that has feelings. I don’t care how big or how small or how short or tall or even what color you are! We’re still all human beings” I felt a little relieved after she said that, but I was still wondering what the kids themselves were really thinking about me. I mean, they all acted nice to me to my face, like they liked me, but what someone is to your face, is not necessarily how they feel about you when they are behind your back.
Do I have a low self esteem? Yes, of course I do, and I think that this letter proves it. Not only to myself, but to anyone else who reads it. I have always disliked myself, and I guess from the way things are going, that I always will. I don’t know.
I have pictured myself laying in my own casket many times now, and yes, its always been me laying there with me being this big. I don’t want to leave my family behind. I love Grant very much, and me and David not only love each other, but we have a very close mother son relationship. I don’t know what he would do without me, or what Grant would do. I want to stay with both of them for a long time, and yet I fear that I may be cutting my life short, or at least what’s left of it.
No. I am not depressed right now. I haven’t been that way for a long time now, and I am soo glad ! I wouldn’t want that to come back for nothing in the world. I am just sitting here writing down on paper how I really feel about myself, and the thoughts that go through my head from time to time.
Right now I am on five different medications, obviously for different reasons. I am only allowed six meds per month, because I have Medicaid. The older I get, it seems like the more things are going wrong with me, but then I guess that’s just life. But I am still so young, and I would not doubt that some of it may be because I am so big. How ever, I do know of three or four things that do not have anything to do with my size, and those are , Acid Reflux, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Protein in urine & IBS. I don’t know about my Depression, but I do not think that my size has anything to do with it, because I was having trouble with that even when I wasn’t as big as I am now!
Today July 21, 2005. My husband is off today, and I usually go out with him all the time. We all do. But I told him last night that I didn’t want to go out today, and I told him that it was because we had all been going out so much lately, that I just wanted to stay home today. Well, I really didn’t lie to him, I just didn’t tell him all of my reason for staying home. I didn’t want to go out because of the way I look. Ever since the other day when all of us met the other family to the bowling ally, I really haven’t been in the mood to go anywhere. I don’t know what it is, but ever since I have met the other family, knowing that one of their kids is David’s friend from school, I just haven’t felt right, because I honestly was never really expecting to meet anyone from his school, other than his teachers.
Down deep I knew the day was coming, but in another way I was also thinking that because so many kids made fun of David at school that none of us would ever meet any of them, which kinda made me relax to the point where I never thought about it. That is until Kym called me one night and started talking to me about our kids getting together and playing etc.. I never thought that I would even re-act the way I did, until it came right down to meeting them! I told Grant on the way to the ally that I was afraid to meet the kids.
I don’t understand what my own husband sees in me. I never have. I have told him this many times and every time he has always told me that he did not fall in love with me for or because of my body, but that he fell in love with me because of who I am. Maybe love is blind.. I have had many of other people tell me that they like me, because of the way I am. I guess they are meaning my personality. I honestly don’t know. I do know that I am the type of person that is easy to get along with people. I always have been, and I’ve always cared about other people more than I have myself! That’s just the way I was raised, & that’s who I am.
Pretty? Your kidding, right?? I’m not pretty by a long shot!! Never claimed to be. I look at myself in the mirror and I disgust myself. I’m sorry, but I just can’t see how anyone can look at this body and tell me that I look nice! It makes me wonder if they need glasses, or new glasses.
I have talked to my Dr about having the gastric bypass surgery done, but he said that it wasn’t for me. My husband doesn’t even what me to have it done, neither does my son. My husband said that its to dangerous and that I have had enough surgery and my son says that he is to afraid that something might happen to me while they are doing the surgery! My Dr also told me that with me having Medicaid that I had to be at least 250 pounds over weight before they would let me do it. I am not gaining all that weight just so I can have the surgery! That’s stupid!!
My Dr also will not prescribe any diet meds to me either. So I guess I am totally screwed no matter what way I turn! To be honest though, I can understand him not letting me go back on Phentermine, because I was on it once before and after I stopped taking it, the side affect of me coming off of it was an irregular heart beat, which finally went away. When I was on that med, I was also going to a different Dr at the time. I may have had side affects when I came off of it, but while I was on it I lost over 80 pounds in eleven months, and I was proud of myself!! Thing is, I became a bitch.
Back then, I was hanging around the wrong crowd and I did things that I didn’t need to be doing, and after I had lost a lot of weight, I not only felt better about myself, but I started liking myself, thing is, I also started thinking that I was to good for my own husband and I started thinking that I deserved better than him, and so because I felt so good about myself and felt like I deserved better, I also had my nose stuck up in the air, so really I had become a snot nosed Bitch!!
Because of all of that, I am kinda afraid to lose this weight, because I am afraid of what I will be like, or what I will become after all the weight is off of me. I’m afraid of becoming that bitch all over again! I don’t want to be the way I was back then all over again! I would rather be big and miserable, then be small and stuck up and thinking about leaving my own Husband just because I think that since I am smaller that I deserve better. That’s Bull Shit! I would never be able to find someone that loved me as much as my husband does !! I don’t care if the other man has a big boat and a big house or not! He’s not worth it!!
Grant told me that yes, he is kinda afraid that I will be like that again, but that also seeing how I have already been down that road, he also knows that I will have my eyes wide open and be aware of what’s going on around me, and because I will be on my guard, that he does not believe that anything like that will happen this time. Plus I’m not hanging around the same crowd I used to hang around with yrs ago, so that means no more witch craft or drugs, and without all of that put together, I won’t have to worry about being “Brain Washed” all over again, by people who said they were my friends, when they really were not!!
Right now the way things are, I do not like my Husband looking at my body during the day, why? Because I am ashamed of my body. I don’t want him to look at me. Night time doesn’t bother me, cause all the lights are out and I feel more comfortable that way, unless He turns on a light, and then I ask Him to turn it off.
Whenever it is time for us to get ready to go some where, I always rush to get my clothes on so He won’t walk in on me without any clothes on. I don’t mind if He sees my top part, as long as I already have my pants on, because then I know that He can not see most of my stomach or anything else from the waist down. I guess what it really is, is that I don’t want Him seeing my stomach, because it is so big! You know, other people will say, “If you don’t love yourself you can’t love others” That’s Bull Shit, because there are a lot of people that I love and no one can tell me any different!!
Any ways, this is the way I feel about myself. I always have and I guess I always will. I just wanted to share it.
Dr Phil, if you can help me, or if anyone out there would like to write me, please send your e-mail to audry@ec.rr.com Please make sure tht when you write me that you include your name and e-mail address in the letter itself, so I can add you to my address book, so I will not lose it.
Sincerely, Sunshyn Hi Sunshyn, I haven't been to the Dr Phil site for some time now and recently went on to have a look around. I came across your heart felt but beautifully written letter and I'm hoping it's not to late to give you some advice. Just respond back to my message if you ever come across it one day and then I'll have a chat to you. I actually tried emailing you but the system failed. Take care Milly |
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February 16, 2007, 7:35 pm PST
Quote From: sunshyn I am 37 yrs old now. I will be 38 next month. Every day that I get up, I feel how big I am and I really don’t like it. My son is now 12 yrs old. He will be a teenager in December. All these yrs that he has been growing up, I never once thought of the day where I would have to meet any of his friend’s, or his friend’s parent’s. But that day finally came.
Last Sunday on the 17th of July, the time came for all of us to meet David’s friend and his family.
The parent’s of his friend has two kids and they are both boys. I was fine with meeting the parent’s, but I was afraid to meet the two kids. Other Kids have always picked on David when he was at school, and there was a day that me and David were talking, and he told me that he was afraid for any he knew to see me with him, because then they would know that I was his mother. He was afraid that they would then start picking on him even more, and then start calling me names along with it…and he didn’t want that to happen.
I don’t blame him. Kid’s can be very cruel ! And it makes it even worse when your child has to wear glasses, and has trouble stuttering…which is not his fault in any way !
Well, when we all met them at the bowling ally, I walked in wishing that I could make myself invisible, or smaller than what I really was. I reluctantly and slowly walked in and saw the mother standing there in front of the desk where they keep the shoes. I wanted to turn around and walk right back out that door, or get behind Grant so she couldn’t see me. In fact, I did keep looking back at him hoping and wanting him to walk up ahead of me, so he would be the first one they saw, and he did, but he never got in front of me. Instead he always stayed beside me, but just up ahead of me a little bit on the side.
She finally saw me and reached out to shake my hand, and I of course shook hers. Then after everyone met each other, we went to our lane where we were going to be bowling. She sat down at the table and all the kids started taking their shoes off and getting ready to bowl. I was just standing there next to the table and I looked at her and kinda smiled, but had tears in my eyes..and then I started crying. She asked me what was wrong, and I looked at her and said “Look at me” I was ashamed that they actually saw me the way that I was..I mean, big and all.
We had a long talk and she told me not to worry about that, and that she was raising their children better than that. She said “Your still a person that has feelings. I don’t care how big or how small or how short or tall or even what color you are! We’re still all human beings” I felt a little relieved after she said that, but I was still wondering what the kids themselves were really thinking about me. I mean, they all acted nice to me to my face, like they liked me, but what someone is to your face, is not necessarily how they feel about you when they are behind your back.
Do I have a low self esteem? Yes, of course I do, and I think that this letter proves it. Not only to myself, but to anyone else who reads it. I have always disliked myself, and I guess from the way things are going, that I always will. I don’t know.
I have pictured myself laying in my own casket many times now, and yes, its always been me laying there with me being this big. I don’t want to leave my family behind. I love Grant very much, and me and David not only love each other, but we have a very close mother son relationship. I don’t know what he would do without me, or what Grant would do. I want to stay with both of them for a long time, and yet I fear that I may be cutting my life short, or at least what’s left of it.
No. I am not depressed right now. I haven’t been that way for a long time now, and I am soo glad ! I wouldn’t want that to come back for nothing in the world. I am just sitting here writing down on paper how I really feel about myself, and the thoughts that go through my head from time to time.
Right now I am on five different medications, obviously for different reasons. I am only allowed six meds per month, because I have Medicaid. The older I get, it seems like the more things are going wrong with me, but then I guess that’s just life. But I am still so young, and I would not doubt that some of it may be because I am so big. How ever, I do know of three or four things that do not have anything to do with my size, and those are , Acid Reflux, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Protein in urine & IBS. I don’t know about my Depression, but I do not think that my size has anything to do with it, because I was having trouble with that even when I wasn’t as big as I am now!
Today July 21, 2005. My husband is off today, and I usually go out with him all the time. We all do. But I told him last night that I didn’t want to go out today, and I told him that it was because we had all been going out so much lately, that I just wanted to stay home today. Well, I really didn’t lie to him, I just didn’t tell him all of my reason for staying home. I didn’t want to go out because of the way I look. Ever since the other day when all of us met the other family to the bowling ally, I really haven’t been in the mood to go anywhere. I don’t know what it is, but ever since I have met the other family, knowing that one of their kids is David’s friend from school, I just haven’t felt right, because I honestly was never really expecting to meet anyone from his school, other than his teachers.
Down deep I knew the day was coming, but in another way I was also thinking that because so many kids made fun of David at school that none of us would ever meet any of them, which kinda made me relax to the point where I never thought about it. That is until Kym called me one night and started talking to me about our kids getting together and playing etc.. I never thought that I would even re-act the way I did, until it came right down to meeting them! I told Grant on the way to the ally that I was afraid to meet the kids.
I don’t understand what my own husband sees in me. I never have. I have told him this many times and every time he has always told me that he did not fall in love with me for or because of my body, but that he fell in love with me because of who I am. Maybe love is blind.. I have had many of other people tell me that they like me, because of the way I am. I guess they are meaning my personality. I honestly don’t know. I do know that I am the type of person that is easy to get along with people. I always have been, and I’ve always cared about other people more than I have myself! That’s just the way I was raised, & that’s who I am.
Pretty? Your kidding, right?? I’m not pretty by a long shot!! Never claimed to be. I look at myself in the mirror and I disgust myself. I’m sorry, but I just can’t see how anyone can look at this body and tell me that I look nice! It makes me wonder if they need glasses, or new glasses.
I have talked to my Dr about having the gastric bypass surgery done, but he said that it wasn’t for me. My husband doesn’t even what me to have it done, neither does my son. My husband said that its to dangerous and that I have had enough surgery and my son says that he is to afraid that something might happen to me while they are doing the surgery! My Dr also told me that with me having Medicaid that I had to be at least 250 pounds over weight before they would let me do it. I am not gaining all that weight just so I can have the surgery! That’s stupid!!
My Dr also will not prescribe any diet meds to me either. So I guess I am totally screwed no matter what way I turn! To be honest though, I can understand him not letting me go back on Phentermine, because I was on it once before and after I stopped taking it, the side affect of me coming off of it was an irregular heart beat, which finally went away. When I was on that med, I was also going to a different Dr at the time. I may have had side affects when I came off of it, but while I was on it I lost over 80 pounds in eleven months, and I was proud of myself!! Thing is, I became a bitch.
Back then, I was hanging around the wrong crowd and I did things that I didn’t need to be doing, and after I had lost a lot of weight, I not only felt better about myself, but I started liking myself, thing is, I also started thinking that I was to good for my own husband and I started thinking that I deserved better than him, and so because I felt so good about myself and felt like I deserved better, I also had my nose stuck up in the air, so really I had become a snot nosed Bitch!!
Because of all of that, I am kinda afraid to lose this weight, because I am afraid of what I will be like, or what I will become after all the weight is off of me. I’m afraid of becoming that bitch all over again! I don’t want to be the way I was back then all over again! I would rather be big and miserable, then be small and stuck up and thinking about leaving my own Husband just because I think that since I am smaller that I deserve better. That’s Bull Shit! I would never be able to find someone that loved me as much as my husband does !! I don’t care if the other man has a big boat and a big house or not! He’s not worth it!!
Grant told me that yes, he is kinda afraid that I will be like that again, but that also seeing how I have already been down that road, he also knows that I will have my eyes wide open and be aware of what’s going on around me, and because I will be on my guard, that he does not believe that anything like that will happen this time. Plus I’m not hanging around the same crowd I used to hang around with yrs ago, so that means no more witch craft or drugs, and without all of that put together, I won’t have to worry about being “Brain Washed” all over again, by people who said they were my friends, when they really were not!!
Right now the way things are, I do not like my Husband looking at my body during the day, why? Because I am ashamed of my body. I don’t want him to look at me. Night time doesn’t bother me, cause all the lights are out and I feel more comfortable that way, unless He turns on a light, and then I ask Him to turn it off.
Whenever it is time for us to get ready to go some where, I always rush to get my clothes on so He won’t walk in on me without any clothes on. I don’t mind if He sees my top part, as long as I already have my pants on, because then I know that He can not see most of my stomach or anything else from the waist down. I guess what it really is, is that I don’t want Him seeing my stomach, because it is so big! You know, other people will say, “If you don’t love yourself you can’t love others” That’s Bull Shit, because there are a lot of people that I love and no one can tell me any different!!
Any ways, this is the way I feel about myself. I always have and I guess I always will. I just wanted to share it.
Dr Phil, if you can help me, or if anyone out there would like to write me, please send your e-mail to audry@ec.rr.com Please make sure tht when you write me that you include your name and e-mail address in the letter itself, so I can add you to my address book, so I will not lose it.
Sincerely, Sunshyn
You sure don't need to be 250lbs overweight, and in some states, Medicaid is pretty easy to get an approval for bypass. The standard for approval is 100 lbs, or BMI of 40, I think.
There *are* big risks associated with surgery - not just the surgery, but taking care of yourself afterwards. And it's worth every bit! :o)
Do yourself a favor - find out weight loss (WLS) surgeons in your area. Read VitaLady.com, and OhToBeThin.com, ObesityHelp.com . . . and call a surgeon, ask about an informational seminar. Go, listen, learn.
I'm also sending my eMail privately . . . I can answer other questions, refer you to other support groups, etc. Hang in, and don't give up! |
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