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Replies to 'Getting Along With Your In-Laws'
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August 2, 2005, 11:00 am PDT
 Quote From: arwen177 Well the party went ok. My MIL did delibertly try to make me angry, but I just ignored her. I had a talk with my husband in the morning after I fed our son breakfast. You see, my MIL had gotten up early to "clean" (thats what she said the night before) but she ended up cooking some chicken, pork chops, and corn on the cob, as well as some salads. (I'd like to know where that all came from, as far as I knew she was only going to have the pork chops) So as you can see, she started first thing in the morning. So I was a little annoyed, and when my husband and I were alone, I said to him "I want the hamburgers & hotdogs, so can you either say something to your mom, or make sure they get cooked." and he was like "honey, don't worry, I'm going to cook them. Just try to relax and enjoy the party" So I stopped worrying about it because I knew he'd do what he said. So they were cooked and people ate them. But of course after that MIL decides to bring out what she had made (not even half-an-hour later) and people nibbled on it, but I think it was only because they felt that they had to. But she made a comment, she actually said "Now I'm going to bring out the real food" I just about lost it at that point because I know that was a direct attack at me. I knew she was trying to get a rise out of me, so I just let it go. But then she kept saying it, whenever I was within earshot, which was about 4 or 5 times. (that I counted) I mean, can you believe that?? She even said "I told Danny (my husband) not to cook those." (meaning the hamburgers and hotdogs), but thankfully he said something to her when he heard that. My mom also said to her that it was what my husband & I wanted because it was our son's party. Then after a bit, we decided to have the cake and presents. The cake thing went fine. My son got it all over his face and hands, it was really cute. But the presents, well that's another story. Things were ok for a bit, but then my son started fussing because he was tired and a little hungry, and my husband and I were opening the presents for him, because well you know how 1 year olds are...they get distracted easily. So anyways MIL takes my son into the kitchen (we opened the gifts inside) and gives him a bannana. I didn't mind the fact that she gave him something to eat, but why did she have to take him into the kitchen when we were opening his gifts?? So anyways, besides all that, things went well. My husband, mom, sister, and myself didn't eat any of the "real food" as my MIL called it. I guess we were kind of protesting it in a way, but oh well. I don't know if she has any leftovers, and frankly I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, it's her problem. I said to my husband that I'm not going through this next year, so even if I have to have the party somewhere else, I will because I'm not letting my MIL "take over" again. Do you think I handled things well? Yes, I think you handled this very well!!
Your MIL does these things to provoke a reaction from you, so that in turn, she can be a "victim"...after all, she was only trying to help, right?....well, thats what she wants it to appear as to other people. You should give yourself a pat on the back for not feeding into her behavior, okay? :) Dr. Phil says that people do things to get some kind of 'payoff'...Your MIL, for example, probably has acted this way for much of her life, so for her, this is normal behavior, the way she has always been, so when she was being controling, manipulative, dominating and a bully, she could do it wearing a disguise of "being helpful"....But you didn't give her the reaction she was hoping for, so she didn't get her payoff this time!! Its a victory for you!! Next year, when it comes time to start planning your son's birthday, you can find somewhere stress-free to have it. Listen, don't let your MIL get to you, okay? Its not worth it. You are a bigger person then that. When she is pushing your buttons, she is looking for two things: one is to get her way, to be the boss, the other is to hopefully p*ss you or someone else off enough to get them to tell her off, that way she can be the "poor victim who was only trying to help..." The best way to deal with her, in the future when she is giving advice that you are not interested in, put yourself on repeat, say "thanks, but we're all set"...."thanks, but we're all set..." she will get the hint, even though she doesn't want to!! |
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August 3, 2005, 9:30 am PDT
Quote From: arwen177 Well the party went ok. My MIL did delibertly try to make me angry, but I just ignored her. I had a talk with my husband in the morning after I fed our son breakfast. You see, my MIL had gotten up early to "clean" (thats what she said the night before) but she ended up cooking some chicken, pork chops, and corn on the cob, as well as some salads. (I'd like to know where that all came from, as far as I knew she was only going to have the pork chops) So as you can see, she started first thing in the morning. So I was a little annoyed, and when my husband and I were alone, I said to him "I want the hamburgers & hotdogs, so can you either say something to your mom, or make sure they get cooked." and he was like "honey, don't worry, I'm going to cook them. Just try to relax and enjoy the party" So I stopped worrying about it because I knew he'd do what he said. So they were cooked and people ate them. But of course after that MIL decides to bring out what she had made (not even half-an-hour later) and people nibbled on it, but I think it was only because they felt that they had to. But she made a comment, she actually said "Now I'm going to bring out the real food" I just about lost it at that point because I know that was a direct attack at me. I knew she was trying to get a rise out of me, so I just let it go. But then she kept saying it, whenever I was within earshot, which was about 4 or 5 times. (that I counted) I mean, can you believe that?? She even said "I told Danny (my husband) not to cook those." (meaning the hamburgers and hotdogs), but thankfully he said something to her when he heard that. My mom also said to her that it was what my husband & I wanted because it was our son's party. Then after a bit, we decided to have the cake and presents. The cake thing went fine. My son got it all over his face and hands, it was really cute. But the presents, well that's another story. Things were ok for a bit, but then my son started fussing because he was tired and a little hungry, and my husband and I were opening the presents for him, because well you know how 1 year olds are...they get distracted easily. So anyways MIL takes my son into the kitchen (we opened the gifts inside) and gives him a bannana. I didn't mind the fact that she gave him something to eat, but why did she have to take him into the kitchen when we were opening his gifts?? So anyways, besides all that, things went well. My husband, mom, sister, and myself didn't eat any of the "real food" as my MIL called it. I guess we were kind of protesting it in a way, but oh well. I don't know if she has any leftovers, and frankly I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, it's her problem. I said to my husband that I'm not going through this next year, so even if I have to have the party somewhere else, I will because I'm not letting my MIL "take over" again. Do you think I handled things well? Good for you! I think you handled things remarkably well. But do learn your lesson and boycott MIL's house as a future venue for any of your events. The woman truly is controlling, manipulative, petty and bullying. It's almost as though her main goal was to tick you off- what a very strange objective at her grandson's birthday party!! But her type just "have to" be in control. And it is always done under the guise of being helpful. Actually, the one good thing here is that your MIL is so blatant about it that I don't think anyone is buying her act. She blurts out "Here's the real food," and Miss Manners would be rolling her eyes at that point, and I think probably most other guests at the party were too.
My MIL would be much more sneaky and wait until everyone else was out of earshot then make her rude comments to me alone, and when I would tell my husband what was said I don't think he ever really believed me. It took five or six other people calling him up after our daughter's baptism and complaining about his mother's rude comments- she was vexed that I had it at our place and catered the whole thing- for him to finally understand what had been happening to me behind the scenes for years. So thank goodness she finally showed her true colours.
By the way, my parents were very old-school British and I was always taught that even if you were served a dish you HATED at someone else's home, you had to eat it and be gracious. That is proper manners. Guess MIL missed that day in Good Manners 101. (LOL)
About opening gifts, one idea I learned from a friend of mine is to not open them at the party. I was told that this encourages materialism. Plus as the kids get older it gets longer and longer and really quite boring for the other guests. What I like to do now is open the gifts after the party and perhaps even set aside a few items for a rainy day because at times they get so many new things they are quite overwhelmed. Of course if anyone really wants their gift opened at the party, you can accommodate them.
Overall though, I think you did really well and your husband is clearly supportive of you and that is just great. I think also that with careful planning next year you can make things even more stress free and find ways to not let this woman get to you. It is really sad that it has to come down to this with your husband's mother, but what can you do? I sometimes think they look at it as the old "divide and conquer" theory and naturally you'd never want to get caught between your husband and his mother, that is far more trouble than you'd ever want to deal with, trust me.
Sincerely,
SB |
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