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cagle2
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November 8, 2005, 4:24 pm PST

Aftermath Suggestion

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

My opinion is no.  

The basis for the affair lies in the marriage not with her.  

You'll relive those feelings all over again like the day you found out.  

Your anger will be directed at her whether you want it to or not. 

Then you'll compare yourself to her completely picking yourself apart.  

You may try to convince yourself it was her fault depending how convincing she is.  

It will bring up a whole new set of questions... etc. Remember an affair is about lies and deceit. 

Typically your confrontation will not be wanted and it will never turn out the way you had anticipated. Confronting her would be self gratification and it doesn't change anything.  

Love yourself enough to put yourself through that again. 

It is only my opinion. 

I'll pray for you  

  
 
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llynn66
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November 8, 2005, 5:45 pm PST

11/10 Infidelity Aftermath

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

If you have the opportunity to talk to her and find out her side of the story, maybe you should. I wish i would've done that right away after my husband told me about his "thing". Instead, here i am almost 3 years later still procrastinating about it. My husband told me basically what happened right away but did'nt tell me who he broke my heart with for 8 months after. So by the time he did tell me that detail i was even more embarrassed and humiliated at the idea of her knowing that i'd been in the dark about her identity for that long.  He swore up and down, this and that, worst mistake he ever made, loves me, said he told her right after it happened it was a mistake and nothing ever happened again. I tend to believe that nothing else happened after the night he threw us away because he put alot of effort into repairing the damage. But since he was capable of doing that to us, i think i'm always going to feel like it could happen again. I always wonder what her version of it is, and i may still need to find out. It's not that he tries to make himself blameless but....I don't know, and i would like to, mostly because i feel like a big fool and it still hurts. I quit asking my questions after he told me who it was, then it seemed like we started being careful to avoid the subject. Now here i am 3 years later wishing i'd done things differently. I guess you never know how you're going to react when someone you love and trust with your heart hurts you so bad. Keep asking questions, you're entitled to the answers, it's only been 6 months for you. If you feel up to confronting her do it. It might give you some of your strength back. Say a little prayer.
 
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freedom8

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November 9, 2005, 7:29 am PST

11/10 Infidelity Aftermath

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

Hi, I am sorry for your pain.  In my opinion, I would do whatever you feel you need to do.  If you think talking to the other woman might help you, than do it.  What do you have to lose?  Too bad if he is tired of answering the questions.  You need to get some inner strength and don't be afraid of what you will find out.  Trust yourself to handle it!  It sounds like if you don't confront her, you will always wonder.  Be prepared for some truths and some lies.  Better yet, bring your husband along, and ask them both the questions in the presence of eachother.  If your husband agrees to this, than he has probably told you the majority of the truth.  If he doesn't agree to this, than there is a whole lot more to know.  Whatever you decide to do, make sure it is right for you, and don't lose yourself in the whole process.   Be strong.
 
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czinger62
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November 9, 2005, 10:39 am PST

11/10 Infidelity Aftermath

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

So, your husband is getting tired of answering your questions....Too BAD!   It's NOT UP TO HIM to decide when YOU move on....it's up to YOU!    Six months is NOTHING in scheme of things to heal from an affair, especially one that lasted THREE years and poisoned a thirty year marraige.   You are just GETTING STARTED with the healing, so your DH just better GET USED TO IT!   He messed up for the better part of three years, so he can put a little more EFFORT into helping to repair the enormous damage he's caused.  

  

Your gut instinct about NOT contacting the OW is correct.  My excellent MIL ( herself a two time affair survivor) gave me excellent advice about NOT talking to the other woman....all it does is give HER the opportunity to lie and make yourself doubt your sanity even more.   I wanted to call the biotch and let her have it with both barrels, but that would have just let her think that my husband is well rid of me and that she has to get him away from me.    Instead my husband was amazed at my restraint and the OW ended up throwing the tantrums  and pulling stunts and looking like a psycho.  Guess who my DH chose to stay with?  I know people who have talked with the OW, and to a person they are sorry they ever did.   All it did was bring up more questions and more craziness.  Also, why dignify the OW's presence in your life by acknowledging her?     

  

If you do not believe your husband nor trust him to at least work through this rough patch together...then you didn't have a marraige to begin with.  When you feel the urge to call the OW....call a friend instead.  Log on to the many online support boards.   Write down what you feel and bring it to your next therapy appointment.  

  

If you have not entered counseling with your husband, I strongly urge you to do that now.   Tell your husband that you are NOT at peace and if he wants to make things better, then he has to step up to the plate and DO THE WORK necessary required to heal.   If he refuses to go then go by yourself and be prepared for every eventuality.  

  

Sending you lots of HUGS and empathy to your situation.   Good Luck.  

  

  

  
 
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r_u_4real
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November 9, 2005, 1:44 pm PST

"THE PAST PREDICTS THE FUTURE"

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

You & Husband has been  married for over 30 yrs and hes spent the last 3 yrs. in a affair with another women and leading a double life. So hes lied, decieved, and betrayed you for 3 yrs. I think 1 mistake can be forgiven, but if that person makes that same mistake its no longer a mistake. The fact that your husband had a affair for 3 yrs. even if this is his 1st. mistake>>>"ISNT A MISTAKE". He had a affair for 3 yrs and He would still be in the affair if it wasnt for "YOU FINDING OUT". Then how many more yrs. would he still be in the affair, another "2 OR 3 YRS. OR MORE"? I think if you asked the other women or your husband questions "THEY`ED BOTH LIE TO YOU". There both made for each other. Pack his bags and have him move in with her. Let them cheat and lie on each other. "ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER". Its your life and you have to be the one who makes the life changing choices. So, 'GOOD LUCK TO YOU & YOUR FAMILY"
 
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nikki_pvn
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November 9, 2005, 9:20 pm PST

11/10 Infidelity Aftermath

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

This man, your husband had an affair which lasted over 3 years, and 'ended' because you found out.!   What 'story' do you want this other woman to tell you, she had an affair with your husband, if this woman does reassure you that the affair is definatley over, this will not change the way that you are feeling now, hurt, lost and i presume alone. 

  

Your husband has had his 'fling' and now does not wish to rehash issues or discuss further details, he has no respect for your feelings and the more that he 'tires' of answering your questions the more distant he will become,  and you inturn are going to  suffer with your hurt and doubts even more.   If you wish for your marriage to survive,  you should both seek counseling, in this wy you would be able to voice your doubts and feelings, to open up to someone who is neutral and perhaps give you correct guidance in overcoming this problem,  but  your husband must be willing to be a part of this process. 

  

Don't  feel ashamed of seeking help,  you say that you have been married for over 30 years,  I presume that this could be one of the reasons why you are trying to be tolerant of the situation as you do not wish other people to find out,  you have nothing to be ashamed of, especially of a matter which you could not control. Don't allow this problem to swallow you, take some action so that you may find your peace. 

  

Personally, I would find it near to impossible to trust mu husband if he cheated on me for 1 day, let alone 3 years. 

  

Good luck 

  

  
 
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chandra
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November 10, 2005, 1:19 pm PST

Sorry to hear this

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

I do not think that you are going to get passed this without seeking some professional help. Even if your husband will not join you, you need someone to talk this through with. I would not talk with the other woman if I were you. It will just lead you down a path that you don't want to go! The likelyhood that she would talk with you is not very great. Good luck to you, I hope you can find the peace that you need.
 
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joy1107
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November 10, 2005, 3:37 pm PST

GO!!!

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

 -----You know what,  until you know EVERYTHING about what went on and how everything happen from the beginning  with your husband and that woman, you will never have a peaceful night of sleep! My partner cheated on me for 3 months and he end it before i found out and just 5 days later after he end it,  i found out!! he didn't tell me everything and like your husband he was getting tired of answering my questions, so i let it go but everyday, every single second of the day all i can think about was 'what happened?' , 'how did it happened?'  it killed me to think about stuff like that and finally 4 months later i called her and confronted her and she told me everything and even sent me e-mails that he sent her!!!  Now i know everything and you know what i still think about it but it's not that bad and i think that knowing what happened from her point of view helped a lot. so yes i think you should go and get her side of the story and make her tell you what happened and how it happened, but don't be confrontational with her just let her know that you have some questions that needs to be answered! Believe me it will kill you slowly and you will regret it if you never go and find out what happened and what that woman has to say. Good luck to you!!!
 
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kimberly24
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November 10, 2005, 4:42 pm PST

IT wont do any good to talk to the other woman

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

HEre is the thing. The other woman will not give you what you need. She knew what she was doing to you and your family. If she dose tell you things it will be out of revenge, or she will be mad at you because he choose you over her. So anything she tells you will have alterior motives. I have gone through this myself. I drove 350 miles to confront a woman, and it was a big waste of time. She told me things, but it made it no better. I would love to talk with you more about this, but it is far to personal to post here. Your story and feelings are exactly like mine were. But today I am ok. It never goes away, but I would love to talk with you more about it if you would like. You can email me. I think my email is in my profile. And I sincerly hope that you will be ok!
 
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marry4life
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November 10, 2005, 7:05 pm PST

This could have been my story!

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

Meeting and talking to the other woman was one of the best things and the worst things I have ever done. I was amazed at how much alike her and I were. I was even prepared to make friends with her.  That is until she accused me of all kinds of things that I felt I was not even capable of doing.  Looking back, her accusations came from her guilt feelings which she tried to pass on to me.  We as husband and wife did go to see a counsellor, and he strongly advised about my dropping the relationship with her. By meeting with her, it released me to freedom to move on, but her accusations against me almost destroyed me.  I did it because I felt I had to, in an effort to move on. In that sense it was good. That is a decision you would need to make for yourself.  Our story had a happy ending, We were married almost 30 years when this all happened--that was about 5 years ago and from my viewpoint, our marriage is stronger now then it ever was.  Hope and pray things work out for you as well. 
 
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