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Replies to '03/13 Infidelity Aftermath'
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November 10, 2005, 12:45 pm PST
 Quote From: college123 I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we are currently both in college. We attend seperate schools which are 7 hours apart. Therefore we dont see eachother all that much. When we are home and physically togehter thigns are wonderful. But when we are away at school he lies, cheats, and decieves me. It has gotten to the point where I just am tired of questioning him and alwasy feeling like hes up to somehting. Last year was his first year away and since we are so young (21) and neither of us is ready to be 100% seroius it was left that the relationship would be open but we werent supposed to get consistent with anyone else and if we did we were supposed to break it off with one another. Needless to say he started seeing someone behind my back for over 5 months. I found out about her from her and then he admitted everything. He then ended things wiht her in hopes that we would work things out. He has made it clear to her that she is more for convienience and I am the one he is in love with but she is so insecure she will take whatever she can get wtih him. This happened 2 or 3 times. We always get back together and then its stressful becuase there is no trust and then I find out he is lying again. This time he says really he is changed and he would never wawnt to hurt me again. He makes me feel like I am the center of his world. He alwasy tells me how much he loves me and we plan a future together. But I dont want a future with a liar and Im so young I dont want to waste time. I just dont knwo if this is something that he will grow out of because he is immature or if this is one of those cases where I sound like an abused vicitim making excuses. If you're 21 you have plenty of time--don't cling to somebody who treats you like this.
I will never understand why girls who are so young are often so desperate to hang onto guys like this. "First love" is way over-romanticized. My first love was a great guy (would never have cheated on me, even) but I didn't lose out by not marrying him. Yes, sometimes it does work out, but sometimes it's better written off as a learning experience.
He's jerking you around. He builds you up so you'll be more likely to forgive him the next time he runs around on you. The point is, who wants to be with somebody they have to watch all the time? You don't want to be 10 years down the road with a mortgage and kids when you finally find out that he's not going to change. If he really does value you, he needs to learn that he can't fool around and still have the nice girls. Go find somebody who appreciates you.
I know lots of great men, both platonically and that I've dated, because I don't put up with guys who treat women like that. Most of the guys I've dated haven't been "keepers"--well, none of them have, since I'm single--but they were all good guys even if it turned out we weren't a match. I'm 28 and never been married, and I do complain about it sometimes--I'm definitely not one of those Single And Loving It people--but I would far rather be single than be played by some guy who doesn't have any self-control or any respect for me. |
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November 10, 2005, 1:09 pm PST
Quote From: college123 I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we are currently both in college. We attend seperate schools which are 7 hours apart. Therefore we dont see eachother all that much. When we are home and physically togehter thigns are wonderful. But when we are away at school he lies, cheats, and decieves me. It has gotten to the point where I just am tired of questioning him and alwasy feeling like hes up to somehting. Last year was his first year away and since we are so young (21) and neither of us is ready to be 100% seroius it was left that the relationship would be open but we werent supposed to get consistent with anyone else and if we did we were supposed to break it off with one another. Needless to say he started seeing someone behind my back for over 5 months. I found out about her from her and then he admitted everything. He then ended things wiht her in hopes that we would work things out. He has made it clear to her that she is more for convienience and I am the one he is in love with but she is so insecure she will take whatever she can get wtih him. This happened 2 or 3 times. We always get back together and then its stressful becuase there is no trust and then I find out he is lying again. This time he says really he is changed and he would never wawnt to hurt me again. He makes me feel like I am the center of his world. He alwasy tells me how much he loves me and we plan a future together. But I dont want a future with a liar and Im so young I dont want to waste time. I just dont knwo if this is something that he will grow out of because he is immature or if this is one of those cases where I sound like an abused vicitim making excuses. I read what you said about your boyfriend of 4 years. Here is the answer to your question: He will most likely NOT CHANGE!!!! I know where you're coming from about getting back together-I was treated the same way by a long-term boyfriend, only this was high school and we did not have a long distance relationship.
He does this because he does whatever it takes to get what HE wants, and he gets away with it! If he loved you , he would not even flirt with another girl, let alone have a 5 month affiar. He says 'she's needy'- that's an excuse to let himself off the hook! He loves having her worship him and give him attention. He loves knowing that he gets away with it!
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER! THERE ARE ACTUALLY MEN OUT THERE THAT WON''T CHEAT!!! I know he makes you feel like the 'center of the world' and you 'plan a future'. But he is just telling you what you want to hear so he can keep you on the back burner, for whenever he can't get what he wants from another girl. That ain't love. He cannot , repeat, cannot be trusted!
P..S. How do I know they don't change? That old boyfriend from high school: after almost 5 years of lying, deceit, and cheating, (and swearing he would change) I'm now fixing to contest a divorce against him, he's spreading a STD, has been rumored to have had threat of a restraining order against him from his last girlfriend and her family, still lies, cheats and manipulates almost everyone he meets, and he still claims to love me, the one he cheated on to begin with!!! |
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November 10, 2005, 1:54 pm PST
Quote From: college123 I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we are currently both in college. We attend seperate schools which are 7 hours apart. Therefore we dont see eachother all that much. When we are home and physically togehter thigns are wonderful. But when we are away at school he lies, cheats, and decieves me. It has gotten to the point where I just am tired of questioning him and alwasy feeling like hes up to somehting. Last year was his first year away and since we are so young (21) and neither of us is ready to be 100% seroius it was left that the relationship would be open but we werent supposed to get consistent with anyone else and if we did we were supposed to break it off with one another. Needless to say he started seeing someone behind my back for over 5 months. I found out about her from her and then he admitted everything. He then ended things wiht her in hopes that we would work things out. He has made it clear to her that she is more for convienience and I am the one he is in love with but she is so insecure she will take whatever she can get wtih him. This happened 2 or 3 times. We always get back together and then its stressful becuase there is no trust and then I find out he is lying again. This time he says really he is changed and he would never wawnt to hurt me again. He makes me feel like I am the center of his world. He alwasy tells me how much he loves me and we plan a future together. But I dont want a future with a liar and Im so young I dont want to waste time. I just dont knwo if this is something that he will grow out of because he is immature or if this is one of those cases where I sound like an abused vicitim making excuses. Let him go, honey.
You are young and absolutely free to enjoy your life without having to be true to some out of state boyfriend. PLEASE DO NOT GET PREGNANT.
YOU WILL BE TRAPPED FOREVER AND HE WILL STILL NOT BE THERE FOR YOU.
He is young and is doing what he is suppose to do; and that is run around and play the field. God bless him. I applaud him. I do not applaud his emotional abuse of you by holding on to you while he is enjoying his freedom and life.
Be with him when you see him, if you want, and without strings attached. Otherwise, go out date, have fun, enjoy this time of your life. I am here to tell you that when you leave school you are going to understand that you should have enjoyed this moment in time, because it will never come back again.
Stop wasting time, thought, and emotion on this boy.
You are young, probably beautiful, and guys are panting to be with you. Enjoy your time at college. Be responsible, protect yourself, and enjoy dating without stress.
Why are you wasting energy and emotion on questioning this guy about his fidelity and behavior. Leave Him Alone And Worry About Your Own Happiness.
Take Your Power Back.
Drop him as a boyfriend.
YOU DO NOT NEED A BOYFRIEND IN COLLEGE. (Don't stress over no dude)
Dear John this fellow and get on with the business of education, partying responsibly with your friends, and enjoying college without the restraints of some long distance relationship with a boy who is doing what he is suppose to do at this time in his life.
Honey, THIS TIME IS ALL ABOUT YOU!
FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY-FREE!
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** I have two college graduated daughters so I must add this, in enjoying the college experience, unencumbered, beware that binge drinking kills: drink responsibly. KNOW YOUR LIMITS OR DON'T DRINK AT ALL.
Do not drink and drive -- One better do not get into a car with a driver who has had a drink. THIS IS AN UNBREAKABLE RULE. I do not care that he/she is capable of walking a straight line. He/She should not have had a drink knowing that they would be driving. CALL A CAB, CALL A FRIEND.
NO DRUGS: Self-explanatory. No Exceptions. NO DRUGS.
DON'T DO IT, NO MATTER WHAT! NO MATTER WHAT THE REASON OR EXCUSE. JUST DON'T DO IT!!!!!! PROTECT YOURSELF AND PROTECT HIM FROM AN UGLY EXPERIENCE AND FUTURE! Don't cry foul if you accompany some boy/man to his dorm room/hotel room at 2am. It is not rape. Don't destroy his life crying rape, when you are smart enough to know that the implication in a man's mind is that he is "going to get him some..." You don't take a man to the "sticking" point and then decide that you have changed your mind. Emotionally immature men/boys are incapable of stopping once they have your initial consent. Protect yourself by not accompanying him to his room, otherwise do not cry foul. You knew and we knew what would happen and you do not have the right to ruin that person's life because you changed your mind.
Also, be aware of the fact that cameras are everywhere; know your environment and realize that if you are not careful your sexual act could be viewed on the internet the next day.
By the way, it is possible to have a great time without alcohol, sex, and drugs. Good conversation, joking, dancing, and laughing with your friends and dates and just loving life and youth will make you fly.
ATTEND ALL CLASSES! EDUCATION IS KEY TO A VERY SUCCESSFUL LIFE!
My daughters are safely and happily graduated from university AND without incidence.
ENJOY YOUR LIFE WITHOUT STRINGS RESPONSIBLY. |
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November 10, 2005, 3:32 pm PST
Quote From: college123 I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we are currently both in college. We attend seperate schools which are 7 hours apart. Therefore we dont see eachother all that much. When we are home and physically togehter thigns are wonderful. But when we are away at school he lies, cheats, and decieves me. It has gotten to the point where I just am tired of questioning him and alwasy feeling like hes up to somehting. Last year was his first year away and since we are so young (21) and neither of us is ready to be 100% seroius it was left that the relationship would be open but we werent supposed to get consistent with anyone else and if we did we were supposed to break it off with one another. Needless to say he started seeing someone behind my back for over 5 months. I found out about her from her and then he admitted everything. He then ended things wiht her in hopes that we would work things out. He has made it clear to her that she is more for convienience and I am the one he is in love with but she is so insecure she will take whatever she can get wtih him. This happened 2 or 3 times. We always get back together and then its stressful becuase there is no trust and then I find out he is lying again. This time he says really he is changed and he would never wawnt to hurt me again. He makes me feel like I am the center of his world. He alwasy tells me how much he loves me and we plan a future together. But I dont want a future with a liar and Im so young I dont want to waste time. I just dont knwo if this is something that he will grow out of because he is immature or if this is one of those cases where I sound like an abused vicitim making excuses. College123, you are experienceing what so many college students experience. You and your boyfriend are both young, and meeting alot of new people while trying to maintain a long distance relationship. When you throw cheating in the mix, it might look like there is no hope. Your bf might actually love you and want to stay with you. However, this is unfair to you if he continues seeing other girls. Maybe he will grow out of it. Ultimately the decision is yours. Tell him what you need in order to be happy in your relationship. If you want him to be exclusive, ask him if he can be exclusive. If he says yes and you think he is sincere, move forward with him. Look at the possibility of counseling to sort through your hurt and anger. If you don't believe he can be exclusive, maybe you could change your relationship. Either break it off or become less exclusive, depending on what you feel is right. Just so you know my boyfriend and I are working through infidelity in our relationship. It is possible, but its not easy. If you want to talk to me about my experiences or tell me more about yours, just email me. Good Luck! |
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November 10, 2005, 8:09 pm PST
Quote From: college123 I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we are currently both in college. We attend seperate schools which are 7 hours apart. Therefore we dont see eachother all that much. When we are home and physically togehter thigns are wonderful. But when we are away at school he lies, cheats, and decieves me. It has gotten to the point where I just am tired of questioning him and alwasy feeling like hes up to somehting. Last year was his first year away and since we are so young (21) and neither of us is ready to be 100% seroius it was left that the relationship would be open but we werent supposed to get consistent with anyone else and if we did we were supposed to break it off with one another. Needless to say he started seeing someone behind my back for over 5 months. I found out about her from her and then he admitted everything. He then ended things wiht her in hopes that we would work things out. He has made it clear to her that she is more for convienience and I am the one he is in love with but she is so insecure she will take whatever she can get wtih him. This happened 2 or 3 times. We always get back together and then its stressful becuase there is no trust and then I find out he is lying again. This time he says really he is changed and he would never wawnt to hurt me again. He makes me feel like I am the center of his world. He alwasy tells me how much he loves me and we plan a future together. But I dont want a future with a liar and Im so young I dont want to waste time. I just dont knwo if this is something that he will grow out of because he is immature or if this is one of those cases where I sound like an abused vicitim making excuses. I am sorry 'honey', but truth be told, She is not the one who is convenient. You are the One who is convenient to him. He knows that he can do what he wants when you are not around, and it's convenient for him that you are still there waiting for him despite what he is doing. Break him loose; break yourself loose. College is a time for one to find out who they really are, a transition period, not only by getting an academic education, but by gaining life experiences through meeting a variety of people and participating in experiences you'll never again get to experience before entering the real world. Once you both are done with college and want to meet up again, you'll both be better prepared to know what it is you really want. My guess is you will have wised up a lot and not feel you short changed yourself of opportunities by keeping yourself tied to a guy that is still trying to work through his own immaturity. Best of wishes, |
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