Replies to '11/15 Dr. Phil and Robin's First Wives Club, Part 2'

I was where you are almost 6 years ago.  I posted another (long!) message earlier so hopefully you will see it. 

Your husband doesn't know whether he wants to stay married or not so, what do you want?  This is your life not his.   Don't let him decide for you.  There is no middle ground here while you allow him to put you through hell.  It is tough.  It is horrible.  But it doesn't last.   You will heal.  You will become stronger.  You will amaze yourself at what you can do.  Take it a day at a time.  Don't ever give up.  You are not alone.  There are those of us who have been there too and have come out the other side.  We are with you in spirit. 

Stay strong. 

   hey you, hang in there ok. i know it's impossible for you to see right now, but there are many wonderful people out there. maybe you got matched up with the wrong one. you be strong and take care of those kids. when you least expect it, someone may pop in your life and show you how wonderful love is. as for now, i wish you luck in moving foward , not backward, and taking care of yourself. you'll be ok... 

See an attorney.  You are not alone, the law is there to protect you in some manner.  If you don't see an attorney, you may lose certain rights by waiting. 

I have went through a similar situation, with a role reversal.  My wife cheated on me and left to be with another man.  Obviously, there is a lot of pain, depression, and resentment.  However, in my case I took this as a test from God.  I could have: 

1.   Confronted the children about their mother's behavior and future marriage to the man who destroyed our home.  But why?  There would be no benefits, and I would hurt the children's relationship with their mother. 

2.   Degraded the new husband.  But why?  My children have to see him on their visitation with their mother. 

3.   Obtained full custody.  But why?  The fact that she cheated does not mean she can't be a good mother to the children.  Custody in my situation would only have been good for validating my anger and showing that I was right.  We were both wrong in the marriage, but the cause of the dissolution was hers. 

Etc.... 

The point is that you should look at what is best for the children, assuming they are in the picture.  This may be your test to determine how you react.  Pass your test. 

Mark. 

I will state that your case may result in a reconcilliation.    

I have been where you are. I let him make the decisions and waited for his choices for 25 years. I also felt out of control.  Thankfully (although I didn't feel it at the time), he chose to leave 3 years ago.  Since he has left, I have realized I have all the power I ever needed. I was just afraid to use it. I have spent too much time kicking myself for not taking charge of my life and the lives of my 5 children, who shouldn't have seen me so powerless. 

Please take your own actions. Get a job and start getting financially ready - that was the part I feared the most and I think you'll feel better adding a proactive dimension to your life. Try to take a step back and look at your life as objectively as you can. What advice would you give a friend in your position? Then be a friend to your self.  What happens to your marriage is your decision too.  I wish someone would have told me that 20 years ago.  It would have saved all of us a lot of pain! 

You don't say whether your parents are still alive or are supportive.  I didn't let mine in on what what was going on, because I was afraid.  After all, I had been married the longest, had the most grandchildren and everyone was sure we had a great marriage.  I don't know how many people told me "we never thought you would have this kind of problem".  When I did tell my mom, she was there for me.  She let me call collect and cry on  her shoulder all I needed.  Also I didn't want  the kids to think badly of their dad, so I "kept" the secret like their dad wanted.  Big mistake.  Looking back, telling them what was going on - without all the gory details or laying blame to anyone (not as easy as it sounds) would have been better.  The truth is much easier to take than lies.  Do you have a close friend you can talk to - start talking.  Keeping things bottled up is the worst thing you can do.  And if there is no one to listen to you, take a walk and talk to God.  He always answers, maybe not verbally, but he is listening and will never let you down.    My prayers are with you and write back  anytime.