Mel:
I wish I could push the clock ahead for you so you could already have gone through all that you have to go through! My third child, a daughter, was stillborn and would have been 16 years old this past October. She was fullterm and beautiful. My husband and I were devastated and in shock. He had added "male burden" of not being able to fix this. I was absolutely bound and determined that I was going to somehow survive this awful loss. I'm pretty strong, independent and rarely ask anybody for help.
But this time I knew I had to let myself be cared for, that I had to let myself receive the outpouring of love and shared sorrow. No one could make it better. No one could say the right thing but they all wanted to and that's what mattered. We all knew that no one could give me what I really wanted (my baby!) but their love and caring had to be enough.
Somehow, I instinctively knew that I had to let myself fully feel my pain, even if the grief was completely overwhelming. I was afraid that if I didn't let myself feel this fully, then the unresolved grief would sneak up on me years down the road and bite me in the butt! So, I let my grief overtake me when it needed to, which usually happened when I was taking a shower. I just let myself completely feel the pain, let it wash over me, and then, slowly, for that time, it would recede.
I also forced myself to do most of the normal things like get up, take a shower, brush my teeth, put on makeup and clothes - that sort of thing. I felt like if I didn't force myself to "practice being normal" then I might forget how to be normal! This really helped me in the long run but it was very hard.
Here's what I learned: you never "get over it" but you do get used to it. There does come a time when you can smile again, laugh again, and then a day comes where you realize that you went a whole day without thinking about your lost baby. It happens but you have a piece of your heart that is always sad, always wistful. However, I think that if you let yourself really feel and come to understand your own grief, then somehow, down the road, when the agony comes back for whatever reason, you'll recognize why you feel the way you do. Then, the hole in your heart will not be a cave of despair but a safe harbor: a safe harbor where you can remember your little lost baby, your forever child.
I also recommend the booklets "When Hello Means Goodbye" and "Still to be Born"
Be good to yourself and be comforted by those who love you.
