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Replies to '06/02 "My Annoying Family"'
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November 18, 2005, 2:55 pm PST
 Quote From: lmassiello We moved to NC from NY in 1997. All was wonderful. My mother in law moved here a few years later, all was fine. Then a few years after that my sister in law and family moved here. We never got along with each other in NY, then she has the balls to move on the same street as me!!! I was in shock. One of the reasons I moved from NY was to get away from her. Things have gone down hill ever since. She is very over bearing, has to control everything, my husband has no balls when it comes to his family so then I am the one being the bitch and yelling at them all when they try to take over my house and our lives. I actually had to throw them out when after a year they wouldn't dicipline their son and I just couldn't take it anymore. They are Italians and know NO boundries. Then the mother got mad at me because she would never not side with her daughter. The mother soon after that told my husband to divorce me. He was in shock but still loves them very much. Since that time I have banned my sister in law from my house because of other things she has done. I sent her an email telling her I would have her arrested if she comes on my property again. My husband visits his mom and sister at their homes, I have nothing to do with either of them. I will never trust my mother in law again, after her telling my husband to divorce me. I wish they would all just pack up and go back to NY or anywhere but here. Almost all the arguments my husband and I have had have been about his rotten family. We have been married 22 years and have 3 children together. 2 out of the 3 of the kids have nothing to do with his family either, the are grown and can see all the games they play. I have the inlaws from hell. Is there any help?
As Dr, Phil would say, "The only thing worse than being miserable for 22 years is being miserable for 22 years and a day." It has always been your husband's responsibility to straighten out his family and set up the boundaries. Obviously, he has failed in both aspects. It's time for some SERIOUS discussion between you two, and not when things are heated. Your husband needs to step up to the plate and BE a husband in deed, not just word. He needs to defend you against the criticism and poor(!) manners of his family. They are in your space, they need to get out of it and STAY out. Explore every option, including counseling. If your husband has decided to remain neutral, then you will need to make some heavy decisions. |
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November 18, 2005, 4:26 pm PST
Quote From: lmassiello We moved to NC from NY in 1997. All was wonderful. My mother in law moved here a few years later, all was fine. Then a few years after that my sister in law and family moved here. We never got along with each other in NY, then she has the balls to move on the same street as me!!! I was in shock. One of the reasons I moved from NY was to get away from her. Things have gone down hill ever since. She is very over bearing, has to control everything, my husband has no balls when it comes to his family so then I am the one being the bitch and yelling at them all when they try to take over my house and our lives. I actually had to throw them out when after a year they wouldn't dicipline their son and I just couldn't take it anymore. They are Italians and know NO boundries. Then the mother got mad at me because she would never not side with her daughter. The mother soon after that told my husband to divorce me. He was in shock but still loves them very much. Since that time I have banned my sister in law from my house because of other things she has done. I sent her an email telling her I would have her arrested if she comes on my property again. My husband visits his mom and sister at their homes, I have nothing to do with either of them. I will never trust my mother in law again, after her telling my husband to divorce me. I wish they would all just pack up and go back to NY or anywhere but here. Almost all the arguments my husband and I have had have been about his rotten family. We have been married 22 years and have 3 children together. 2 out of the 3 of the kids have nothing to do with his family either, the are grown and can see all the games they play. I have the inlaws from hell. Is there any help?
My in-laws are terrible too. They are russian and think that me and my husband have to conform to their belefs and behaviors. They hate me and called me crazy b****, stupid, idiot, bad wife/mother. At first everything was fine because we lived in Ohio and they in Washington. But now that we moved to Washington becasuse my husband got a great job here, it all went down hill. My husband isn't the same or agree with his partents on most things, but he almost never says anything about it. I'm the bad one because I (politely even) tell them we don't agree. One day they came over to our house to look through it to see how we set things up. My husband and I didn't want them to go through the whole house, so I asked them politely not to go upstairs. His mom exploded on me, said I needed to go to a doctor because there is something wrong with me. I told them to leave and they aren't allowed back without a sincere apology. Needless to say I haven't gotten one. They aren't allowed to see our 2 children period and the kids are never to be alone or around them without me when or if they do apologize. My husband can see his parents but only to say hi. If they want to be so rude and mean then I'll just keep my family away from that kind of thing. The bad thing is they are most upset that I didn't offer them a seat when they came to our house. How stupid. |
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May 27, 2006, 11:51 am PDT
Quote From: lmassiello We moved to NC from NY in 1997. All was wonderful. My mother in law moved here a few years later, all was fine. Then a few years after that my sister in law and family moved here. We never got along with each other in NY, then she has the balls to move on the same street as me!!! I was in shock. One of the reasons I moved from NY was to get away from her. Things have gone down hill ever since. She is very over bearing, has to control everything, my husband has no balls when it comes to his family so then I am the one being the bitch and yelling at them all when they try to take over my house and our lives. I actually had to throw them out when after a year they wouldn't dicipline their son and I just couldn't take it anymore. They are Italians and know NO boundries. Then the mother got mad at me because she would never not side with her daughter. The mother soon after that told my husband to divorce me. He was in shock but still loves them very much. Since that time I have banned my sister in law from my house because of other things she has done. I sent her an email telling her I would have her arrested if she comes on my property again. My husband visits his mom and sister at their homes, I have nothing to do with either of them. I will never trust my mother in law again, after her telling my husband to divorce me. I wish they would all just pack up and go back to NY or anywhere but here. Almost all the arguments my husband and I have had have been about his rotten family. We have been married 22 years and have 3 children together. 2 out of the 3 of the kids have nothing to do with his family either, the are grown and can see all the games they play. I have the inlaws from hell. Is there any help?
Imassiello, I too, have had the divide and conquere mentality experience from my husbands family. At the time I was finishing up my graduate degree and spending ALOT of time studying, and my husband was filling in his time by working out of town and hanging out with his family. We never do well when we spend a lot of time apart by doing our own thing so we try to schedule "Date Night", it's the only night of the week I looked forward to at the time. We had been married about 5 years then and we always went to his sisters house for a weekly visit. Soon I noticed that her kids would be spending time at thier grandmothers on the days we went over to visit. I mentioned it to Brian but he said it was probably just a coinsedence. I began to notice strange behavoir from his sister and his mother, again Brian said I was being paranoid. So one day his sister called me and asked me when my exams would be over b/c "the family" is planning a HUGE get together and she wanted to be certain I could attend. At that point I was certain I was making something out of nothing. I gave her the date and left it at that. Well, come to find out she only called to make certain I couldn't come b/c she planned this party the night before my National Board Exam; well obviously I COULDN'T go!! Brian again, said we must look to positive things and was an honest mistake. He thought that until he got there, his family cornered him and he said it was like an "Intervention"; they were trying to convince him to divorce me. Embarrasingly enough, I am less than a Christian Women than my husband is a Christian Man. I am lucky that he has the fear of GOD in him. He was disgusted. Told them about how I had "smelled somthing a brewing" but he would n't hear of it. He quoted them a verse from the Bible "A man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, and they shall become thier own family." or something like that. Sure there were MONTHS of no talking to them, many nights of them prank calling us and sending us hate e-mail and threatening phone calls, threats placed on our lives; but we made it through. We had gone through this when he proposed and we knew it was b/c his mother KNEW I was the one...and you know how that goes! She wasn't the top bananna anymore and she couldn't handle it.
What I am trying to say is that it's not you, it's them. They have lost control over your relationship with your husband and for the most part lost control over him too and they CAN'T HANDLE IT. They know they can't control you so if they can control a part of your life, well that just makes thier day. They need to work this insecurity out for themselves. When time has passed and they miss a couple of holidays with your kids, grandma will turn around. It's all about divide and conqure with this type of personality. One family member gets mad at you (usually the sister) and then sucks in the mother and all hell breaks loose! Make grandma spend Christmas without YOU, Your HUSBAND and the KIDS and she'll come around. Before you know it, the sister will be a callin' too.
My husband will tell you that this decision to cut himself off from his family was really hard. He had to be councled by our pastor on the correct thing to do. Interestingly enough that Sunday's sermon was about "The Man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife..." But your husband has to be on YOUR side no matter what. You and the kids are his family now. Yes, Brian had to grow a set of balls in the process and it wasn't easy but they respect him and our relationship more now. He told them that we are married for LIFE and if they didn't like it, that the next 50 years are going to be long with out them but he has his family..(that's me). He was polite and courteous and very respectful to his family when we had this conversation. He would not allow the matter to get out of control, once they started yelling he said "I love you all, but I cannot be around this toxic behavoir, I need to take my family to a more positive place." And we left. That was at his sisters christmas day dinner...we spent christmas in this AWEFUL chinese resuraunt! But 3 months later things were back to normal....we ALL learned boundries and respect. We all swallowed some pride that day, but it was a very tearful and loving reunion---this happened just about 2 years ago.
Keep your head up and your eyes bright. Keep your heart open to forgiveness on your part and thiers, and Good Luck. |
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