Replies to 'Cheated On'
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August 4, 2005, 7:38 am PDT
 Quote From: bluemoon Hi. I wanted to share my story and hope to find someone out there who understands how I feel and give me any advice or comment on it. I am now wondering if I might have been doing worthless efforts to try to save our marriage and being so fool. My hus and I have been married for a year and half although we have been knowing each other for several years.
He started to act weird for last couple of months like being cold and not showing affection to me and trying to avoid my hug and kisses. Recently he told me that he has someone in his life for whom he has deep feelings and she provides him things he likes and he wants such as intimacy and excitement. When he told me the story, I felt like all the trust I had for him for years was falling and I got hurt so much and had pain and sadness all over my heart and body. I kept crying for a couple of days and wished I could disappear from where I was, so I could get out of all these horrible things around me. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to hurt me and still does love me and want to be with me and doesn't want to divorce. However, even he said that he was full of sadness and regret for the stupid selfish things he has done after he saw me suffering from being so much in pain I got from his story, he says he will not stop seeing his lady and try to meet her as much as he can, and also asked me not to ask him to stop doing it. He just says he does not know what to do about this situation now and has no idea what's gonna happen in the future. He doesn't want to change anything right now but wants to see how things will go for a while. His lady seems to have same idea about this situation which I can understand because she is also married although they have been separated but she has had a boyfriend for years whom she says she still loves. She seems to tell my hus that she doesn't want to hurt me however she should know that does a lot.
He married three times before he married to me and everytime he ended up them with divorce and all his kids are belonging to his x-wives.
I should have realized that something was not right about him before I married to him but I was blind and just wanted to be with him at that time.
We had/has some problems after we married like most of married couples will have I think, but I have been trying to fix those problems by myself and/or with him as much as I could but it seems he just couldn't wait. This time, I found out that he is the person who doesn't try to resolve problems instead of running away from them and getting involved in another relationship where he can have things he wants and his own happiness.
The problem is even after I heard his story, I still love him and can't hate nor blame him to what he has done to me. I really don't like what he did and also know that what he says doesn't make any sense at all to me. It'll be very hard for me to continue to live like this and I will have to find an answer to what to do about my life. I feel like I am totally lost now. Will anyone give me any advice or comments? are insecure. He was betting you would allow him to WANDER and have sex with others while also taking care of his HOME. YOU are being used. Once there are three people in a marriage there really isn't a marriage because marriage means monogamy.
I haven't read too many "stories" where I would think LEAVE HIM, GET DIVORCED a.s.a.p. and find a way to build self esteem in yourself so that you don't attract other men like this.
Maybe you could look into going back to school and have some time living on your own, figuring out who YOU are and not allowing anyone to do this to you again.
CALL an attorney, get out there to find out about other oppurtunities in the area, like adult education etc...
Do you have supportive partners? Would there be someone that would really tell you how unhealthy it is to be living the way you are and CARE enough to say it then help you through the steps? You don't mention if you have children, if you do, you may want to call a womens shelter to see if they have any suggestions for you. |
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August 5, 2005, 12:38 pm PDT
Quote From: bluemoon Hi. I wanted to share my story and hope to find someone out there who understands how I feel and give me any advice or comment on it. I am now wondering if I might have been doing worthless efforts to try to save our marriage and being so fool. My hus and I have been married for a year and half although we have been knowing each other for several years.
He started to act weird for last couple of months like being cold and not showing affection to me and trying to avoid my hug and kisses. Recently he told me that he has someone in his life for whom he has deep feelings and she provides him things he likes and he wants such as intimacy and excitement. When he told me the story, I felt like all the trust I had for him for years was falling and I got hurt so much and had pain and sadness all over my heart and body. I kept crying for a couple of days and wished I could disappear from where I was, so I could get out of all these horrible things around me. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to hurt me and still does love me and want to be with me and doesn't want to divorce. However, even he said that he was full of sadness and regret for the stupid selfish things he has done after he saw me suffering from being so much in pain I got from his story, he says he will not stop seeing his lady and try to meet her as much as he can, and also asked me not to ask him to stop doing it. He just says he does not know what to do about this situation now and has no idea what's gonna happen in the future. He doesn't want to change anything right now but wants to see how things will go for a while. His lady seems to have same idea about this situation which I can understand because she is also married although they have been separated but she has had a boyfriend for years whom she says she still loves. She seems to tell my hus that she doesn't want to hurt me however she should know that does a lot.
He married three times before he married to me and everytime he ended up them with divorce and all his kids are belonging to his x-wives.
I should have realized that something was not right about him before I married to him but I was blind and just wanted to be with him at that time.
We had/has some problems after we married like most of married couples will have I think, but I have been trying to fix those problems by myself and/or with him as much as I could but it seems he just couldn't wait. This time, I found out that he is the person who doesn't try to resolve problems instead of running away from them and getting involved in another relationship where he can have things he wants and his own happiness.
The problem is even after I heard his story, I still love him and can't hate nor blame him to what he has done to me. I really don't like what he did and also know that what he says doesn't make any sense at all to me. It'll be very hard for me to continue to live like this and I will have to find an answer to what to do about my life. I feel like I am totally lost now. Will anyone give me any advice or comments? Oh, honey, you sound so young and so alone. How old are you? How old is husband? With three failed marriages he must be at least some older than you.
ANYONE with three failed marriages is a walking, breathing, RED FLAG. You should have been paying more attention. Character does not change just because someone changes bed partners.
Do you have any family or friends to turn to? You MUST be open to help in this situation even if you have to listen to them say "I told you so." No time for pride. Were you the affair that ended his #3 marriage?
DO NOT SLEEP WITH THIS MAN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE.
Get to your doctor and tell him THE TRUTH. You need to be checked for EVERY disease known to mankind and get a screening for depression. Doctor should also be able to give you something to help you sleep. I suggest retesting for AIDS/STDs again in six months just to be sure. Also ask doctor for the best birth control he can recommend. Pregnancy at this point would be disastrous.
You also need a referral to a counselor. You cannot keep this bottled up inside yourself.
You need legal advice NOW! Find a lawyer that gives a free consult. If that is not possible have a yard sale or float a loan. Hubby is spending lots of your $$ on his hoochie.
Do you have ANY idea what a wagon load of crap hubby's story is? THAT is why it makes no sense to you. There is not a logical suggestion anywhere in his explanation. He wants you to think the problem is you when it isn't. IT'S HIM! I hope you saw Dr Phil's shows this week on Wednesday and Thursday-Torn Between Two Lovers-because this is your life. You can still find both shows on the website and ordering those shows on video if you missed them would be well worth the expense.
He says he does not want to hurt you? Not so, or he would quit seeing this other woman. And IF his actions are not designed to hurt you what does he expect them to do? Raise your IQ, increase your self-confidence, elevate the balance in the checking account, what?! EVERY ACTION has a result.
He loves you? Another lie. You do not treat people you love this way.
He wants to be with you? Lie. How much time does he spend at home compared to what he spends with the hoochie? Time spent sleeping and in a coma in front of TV or computer does not count.
Doesn't want a divorce? Probably telling the truth here. The first three took everything he has or ever hopes to have. You are probably a good cook, housekeeper and clean bed partner. Maybe even working to help him pay all that child support.
Sadness and regret on his part? No likely and certainly not enough to make him stop what he is doing.
Though he claims to be SO GUILTY he tells you he plans to continue things as they are and please don't ask him to stop. ???? No, he has no idea what will happen in the future he is just gonna let it slide as long as he can manage. His hoochie is married AND stringing another boyfriend along too. She hasn't REALLY decided if she even wants your husband, and he needs to keep his options open with you just in case the decision goes against him. DON'T LET HIM DO THIS.
Oh, by the way she is NO lady-she is a hoochie-and she does not care if she hurts you or anyone else. This pathetic comment enables her to look noble in your fathead hubby's eyes.
Hubby is selfish and immature and you are right he tries to cure problems by reaching for the next new thing-generally female. THESE PROBLEMS ARE HIS ALONE AND YOU CANNOT FIX HIM. Please if you did not see the Dr Phil shows I spoke of order the videos. I have never recommended this so strongly before, but your situations are so precisely the same I think it is important.
Do hoochie's husband (even if seperated) and boyfriend know what is going on? I think they should. Anonymous letter would be fine. Might encourage hubby to move on with divorce and get custody of the poor kids that I feel sure are involved in this mess.
I am amazed that you say you do not hate or blame your husband for what he is doing to you. My opinion is you should be ANGRY, UPSET, PISSED OFF, whatever you want to call it. Anger will help you find the backbone you so desperately need and enable you to cease being his doormat.
Summation of my advice:
Doctor visit-AIDS/STD tests, depression screening, sleep aid and GREAT birth control. You also need a referral to a counselor. You need someone to talk to that will help you with decisions you need to make.
Quit sleeping with the idiot.
Open yourself to help from friends and family no matter how embarrassing. And do it NOW.
Get legal advice from a great divorce lawyer. Some give the first consult free. If money is tight have a yard sale or float a loan from family/friends.
If there is joint accounts, half is yours. Take it and put it in YOUR new account in YOUR name only. Talk to lawyer about this.
Start looking for a job. Hubby has nothing after three divorces and your marriage has been short term so you will be on your own.
If you need financial aid talk to your local assistance programs. They can help with housing, food stamps, medical and some cash payments. You will have to visit several offices though my state is making an effort to consolidate things. Website is govbenefits.gov
If you need training contact your local community college. They are great with financial aid and will even help with a work study job and child care if needed.
You do not mention financial situation, but if hubby leaves you holding the bag please think about bankruptcy. I do not like suggesting this but sometimes it is the only option. Bankruptcy laws have recently changed. I love Suze Orman and she frequently speaks about bankruptcy options. She has a column on Yahoo financial, her own show in CNBC on Saturday night and a column in O magazine as well as specials on PBS and her own books and tours. Very informative.
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