Replies to 'Grandparents Raising Grandchildren'

wishuwell

User Mood
Worried

Message Emote

July 30, 2006, 4:42 pm PDT

Emotions in turmoil

Quote From: deborahnc

My husband and I have been together for 6 years now. my step-daughter at 19 had a baby girl. We have had her since she was about a month old (Both mother and child lived with us until then). She is now 9 months old. In the begining the mother said she was not ready to be a mother, didn't want to "grow-up", and wasn't ready to be on her own. She lied to a DSS worker saying she use to hurt small animals and was having those feelings again. As it turned out she was just wanting to have the baby taken without it being "her fault". We allow her to visit any time she likes, but she most often doen't. It has been a long 9 months for us. She at times says she would like the baby back, but does nothing showing she could handle it. I spent the first few months trying to get her to do things with the baby when she came over and she started comming less and less. She refuses to give up drugs, control/get help for her extreme temper or get to know her child but at times wants her back. It really hurts my husband and myself because we are having to draw the line constantly. NOW after 9 months of raising her child, she tells us she is 2 months pregnant with a 17 year old boy's baby. Nothing has changed in the 7 months since her first child was born, now she is going to have another one? Is she going to leave this child with us also? My husband is 42 and I am 33, all of our children are 13 and older. We thought we were about to the point we would have time for each other, But it seems we are starting over again. What do we do?

When she has this child, do we refuse to raise it , watch it end up in foster care. How do we get through to her that she is not having a "show 'n' tell" doll. She never thinks of the months or years beyond having these babies. Just assumes someone will take care of them. She seems to think we are required to raise her children because she "Never wanted to be a mother" and the whole time ATTEMPTS to control (by phone) all of the baby's activites. i.e. daycare (she wants me to stay home with the baby longer than a year) (Tough!), visits with the other grandparents. She does not like this because the father does not visit with the baby and says that if he isn't a father to her that they have no business acting like grandparents. She is very inmature and I am at a loss as to how to get through to her. This is ripping our family apart. It is a everyday thing we deal with at home. I love this baby so much, I would give anything for her to be with her mother or father but only in a safe, healthy, productive, loving home. None of which either parent are willing to provide. I am worried about the bond the baby and I are building. My step-daughter doesn't want her daughter to FEEL like I am her mom, but how can we not feel like mother and child when I am with her every single day being a mother to her. I am worried about so many things at this point I not sure I can give a full understanding of all the issues we are having but this is a good starting point. Anyone have any suggestions?

Your situation and feelings sounded so similar..... we have legal custody of our grandchild.. thank goodness... the mother and baby lived with us from birth... our daughter was in a violent relationship with a man with so many problems... he is denied access.. he assaulted our daughter and injured the baby and trashed our home ...the child was less than 6 weeks old ... they separated and our daughter improved her life till he contacted her and they started seeing each other again... she was going to leave with the child and we had to intervene as she had been warned the child would be taken into care if she didn't protect the child from it's father.. she was given the choice of coming to her senses and staying with her child or going to him without the child....she left .... I will never get over the sadness and disappointment of her doing that... we then tread on a path of emotional turmoil I thought we would never survive... I had to deal with the feelings of betrayal for telling the legals about our daughter's failings as a mother and the thought that I was taking her child almost destroyed me ...but when you look into a little baby's eyes and know that if someone didn't speak out no matter how hard it was .... they would almost certainly be injured or even dead then you know you have to speak up.. i questioned myself so much ... How can my daughter not be able to put her child first? How did I fail her that would enable her to act this way... I know I was always there for my children I loved them supported them provided for them ... How did it go so wrong? I am more accepting of the situation now I don't think it is about me or my mothering but more about something that is beyond our control...I am not letting myself off the hook easily I accept 'what is' and get through the day I try not to look back I focus on the future .. I dont feel like that now .... I know we did the right thing to save the child... again we are battling to save her and again we are having to challenge our daughter ... this is so hard I can't explain how hard but the alternative is unthinkable ... my daughter insisted I think I am the child's mother..I assured her I don't but the child derserves and needs a constant mother figure in order to survive... she used to make me feel guilty about it but now I think... no it's not me that needs to take on transferred guilt.... I am the childs grandmother and she will know exactly who I am.... we are bonded and I am glad we are ...the child needs that bond I hope our daughter can accept thing and settle her life I love her and want her to be happy ... I tell her we keep her child safe and loved because we love our daugher so much but we can't let her make mistake after mistake when it is so dangerous to the well being of others...I hope for better days ..... our grandchild makes us smile through all the heartache and is such a happy child blissfully unaware of the chaos ... for that to continue it will need strong determination to stay focussed and the strength to cope with the difficult choices we will undoubtedley be faced with...

so I understad how you are feeling regarding the bond but you have to do what is best for your grandchilid...