Replies to 'Overcoming Grief'

I am not going to say that I completely understand where you are coming from as I have not lost a spouse, but my best friend died unexpectedly of a prescription drug overdose, July 29th was the 2 year anniversary of her death. We knew each other for a long time but got really close when I was pregnant with my first child, she is 4 in a half now. Those couple of years that we were really good friends meant so much to me, we literally talked on the phone practically every day for two years, some times, a couple times a day. We were so much alike in so many ways that we could sometimes finish each others sentences or knew what the other was thinking. We went out together some as well and she loved my girls to pieces, just could never get enough of them. My youngest was only 5 months old when she died but my oldest was 2 in a half and she still remembers Lisa and will occasionally bring her up in a conversation. One day, she was in the closet and when she came out, I asked her why she was in there, she told me that she went up to heaven and talked to my friend and she told me to tell you "not to be sad becasue she is with Jesus." All I could do was to hug my little girl and tell her thank you for telling me this. it really did make me feel better but I miss her. even to this day there are times when the phone rings and I think it might be her then my heart starts to ache. I have never had a friend like her where I could just share every thing. Though I do appreciate my best friend from high school as well as others, Lisa was just different. I don't really have anything specific to add other then to share what my experience has been, I try to find ways of remembering my friend, I talk about her often and will even look at her picture at times and pray that God will keep me going in the right path so that I will see her again some day as I know she is walking the streets of heaven and she is so happy up there, Knowing that she is safe and happier then she has ever been touches me in a special way, she has no more struggles and is living life abundantly and believe me, she certainly deserves it. I still feel selfish at times as I wish she were still down here chatting with me. but my family and friends have been a wonderful support system as some of them knew her as well, We need to allow others in our lives and to let them help us to heal and to cope. If we shut others out then we will have no where to turn, other then God of course which to me is very imporant but I believe God gives us others to help us find our way through this life, not always easy to open up and let others in but we need to do it and then we need to dwell on all the happy and good things about our loved ones. I miss our talks and our visits and our outings and I am not so sure I will ever find that in any one else but I have learned that there are other people who do care and are willing to help me through the process, it isn't the same as having Lisa around but knowing that others are there and wants to help does encourage me. No one will ever take her place, for she has a special place in my heart but I have learned to let others in. I still grieve for her and I get lonely for her and like I said no one will ever replace her, This time of year especially, she is the only one I want to talk to and I tend to shut myself down but through prayers and faith in God, he has helped me and others through all this. Don't know if I was of help to you or any one else for that matter but this is my story and I understand and know how it is to lose some one we care about, life certainly isn't always fair but we have our memories to hold on to and no one can take that away from us, only if we allow them to including ourselves. Take care and know that you are blessed to have had the blessing of your loved one with you, cry and grieve when need to but dwell on happy thoughts as well, it has helped me through.

I am also a new member who is 47 y. o.  My son was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in Sept/Oct of 2004.  He has had it removed and is doing well now.  Then in Dec. 2004 my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer (non-smoker) and died less than a month later Jan. 19, 2005.  This totally shocked us because he was never an ill man.  Our sons, ages 29 and 11, were as devastated as I was.  He was my childhood sweetheart--met when we were 9/10 y.o. we were married almost 30 years. The one thing I have learned from his passing was that (without invoking my spirituality on anyone) this was the plan for our lives and even though I don't like it, I can decide to continue on or waddle in self misery.  I choose to move on.  As you have, I have missed the smiles, hand holding, talks, and so on terribly.  I tend to remember the talks and looks from his last few weeks.  I try to remember every detail and smile because I have those memories.  

 

Lonliness is an awful thing. Even though I have my boys with me (29 yr. old has an apt. behind our house), it just isn't the same.  Luckily I have friends who are supportive and my family is around me all the time.  I know it will get easier.  I have been asked out a few times, and  I know I will go eventually, but not just yet. I'm taking my time to heal. I wish there were quick answers to moving on.  After he passed I just about read every book imagineable on grief and that helped somewhat.  My mantra continues when grief overwhelms, "This too shall pass" and it does and you remember the fun, laughter and love you had together. That helps me because those  memories put a smile on my face. I was loved and I loved. And if I never find love again, that is okay with me.   

 

So alot rides on your attitude about life.  Peace, harmony, and love and laughter, and it is up to you to put that in YOUR life as well as your son's.  How is he coping? 

 I am a 59 y.o. nurse and lost my husband of 35 yrs. to a heart attack at home.  He died in my arms.  I see the image of it every day.  I have not returned to work yet, mainly because I have lost my confidence in my skills.  My heart and thoughts go out to you and to others who join us in this awful stuck place. I had a patient who knew his time was limited.  He said that if everyone would put their troubles in a pile, they would reach in and take their own back because they knew best how to deal with them.  This gives me comfort as I read what everyone has written on  these message boards.  I think many people feel that if you are a nurse grief doesn't hurt you as badly because you're A NURSE!  Well, we know what baloney that notion is!  I can only say that there is no timetable for grief, share your feelings as often as you can, get counselling,love yourself more and remember you are not alone and you are not crazy. Search in your community for grief groups.  Many Home Health and Hospices often have groups and it really helps to get it out and not stuff your feelings in as ALL nurses do.