Replies to 'Toxic Family Relationships'
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September 1, 2005, 5:31 pm PDT
 Quote From: tammyo1973 My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so. Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her... I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up. Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it, I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all. Am I wrong?
is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Affecting mood, and if I were you-- I would find whatever I could on the topic, and mail it to them to educate them. Now, don't send long winded, over explanatory things. Short topic stuff only. Remember they come from a class and age that is not in this world anymore and yes they think "You cooked her, your ruined her". "God fixes everything if you pray enough' because that's what they were taught. So you educate your parents about the disorder, and when they ask about her.. You say one word "UNBELIEVABLE" and it fits any situation.. try it on.. "UNBELIEVEABLE"... unbelieveablely good.. or unbelievably bad.. it works. and if you don't want to answer any further questions.. Just practice a short paragraph... "So how is Amy ? Unbelivable" oh? How so? "Oh you know kids today.. all the ususal stuff". Trust me, by the 3rd time they ask.. they will figure out thre is not reall news or change. Try it. and get your self a book called "Light her fire" by ellen Kreidman.. it's helps you deal with all kinds of situations-- it's a relationship-self help book. |
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September 1, 2005, 6:33 pm PDT
Quote From: tammyo1973 My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so. Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her... I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up. Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it, I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all. Am I wrong?
You know why they don't get it? 1) They know it as Manic Depressive (MD), and people were put into institutions or took their own lives when they heard the words MD. The new name, BP DOES NOT take away the STIGMA of MD.. I HAD an aunt by marriage, who was dxt BP(Manic Depressive) in 1980. She took her own life, she was only 25 and had two small girls, She was my favorite, we were close in age...she listened,I miss her. So when I ask my family for answers, They tell me it is too difficult to talk about, I am always put off, or We don't talk about this stuff. I know it is sad to think of my aunt now, but can't they open up just for me? NOT Lets just say..They didn't have Dr. Phil or Oprah LOL. 2) They are afraid that if they acknowledge Her disease, they fear being blamed for the sickness. Or their fears of "catching" IT, there are people who don't know any better, and those that do. Take it slow and listen to your GUT. I Know you are in tune with yours. Trust yourself to make the right decisions, not for Them...for YOU and YOURS. You take care sweetie, I'll see you on the flip side. Take care and God Bless Lorrie |
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November 1, 2005, 2:59 am PST
Quote From: tammyo1973 My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so. Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her... I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up. Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it, I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all. Am I wrong? I am 34yrs and divorced my daughters father after 12 yrs of marriage, he actually left us for another women and her kids. The oldest is now 16 yrs old she was your normal kiddo growing up very lovable NO behavior problems what so ever. Then we divorced in 2000 she was then 10 and in 2003 she went totally out of control, ran away from me etc. She ended up going and living with her dad for almost 2 years till he quickly realized I was not lieing she was becoming a major handful ( behavior wise). He sent her packing back to me in 2004 she had at this point became sexually active, breaking the law, drugs, 2 suicide attempts the list goes on. He had her in counciling there and a diagnosis of psycho social disorder and adhd and they were medicating her. Which was only working about 40% of the time. Again he sent her back to me after he had enough and her behavior started causing martial problems between him and his current wife. He sent her back and telling me , he did not want her back she was not welcomed back period. I never told her of these statements I am not going to devistate her more. Since I have had her I to took her to a Psychologist and after he and I pondering over how her behavior is. He diagnosed her with Bipolar, major depression, etc. We took her off the med's her doctors had her on while with her dad. Wow all I can say is that I was Blessed with a good doctor the first time around, the medications have given me a totally different child , went from straight F's to within 5 weeks on the medications to high C's, low B's and she earned her own way out of the local High schools behavioral managed class room ( very structured) even over a year later she is still doing Awesome. Very focused ,goal oriented, and looks back at the things she had done in past as major stupid. Anyway no I am not a fool ,I to this day have not let my guard down with her. Though her doctor tells me the Bipolar etc is hareditary and she will have to be medicated for life etc. I do not want to believe this I think this is a clear example of a product of a very bad divorce of the parents. Plus of course only this being on top of all the other teen pressures of today. She is not mature enough to know how to deal with such tramendous (pyschological issues). I think the medications for now help her to stay more focused on the normal daily demands of life at her age and clouds out all the other stuff, she shouldnt have to deal with anyway. I hope that she will beable to stop these medications once she has gotten older , more mature in knowing how to deal with various stresses in life. Your right mental illness does not go away but a person can learn/mature through counciling and other experiences how to deal with them in a more structured /rational way . We can't change the past but we can control our future in learning how to not let it make us what we eventually become . Its hard and I do blame myself and their dad for being selfish and not taking into consideration the anger,hate, etc we grew to have for one another and allow it to bleed over and effect our children whom were totally inoccent of it all. I will be forever by their side to hopfully absorb all the hurt , pain etc they may feel which should not be their feelings at all ,they did nothing wrong. Anyway I am detrmined to be there to give them what they need to help restructure their futures. I owe that to them, I wished their dad seen it this way to but again we literally hate each other even after 5 yrs we do not get along. I will strive each day to let them grow up and project their own feelings, thoughts , wishes and dreams about the kind of person their dad is without injecting my own negative perceptions. I also believe with God'd help they will continue to grow up and have their own happy healthy lives. Despite mine and their dads stupid inconsiderations, selfishness and corruption we may have very well brought to their lives. Hope this helps it was I felt simular to your own struggles. God Bless :) |
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March 11, 2006, 9:08 am PST
Quote From: tammyo1973 My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so. Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her... I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up. Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it, I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all. Am I wrong? I don't believe that you are wrong. Your main concern should be your daughter. Protect her from those that will make her life living hell! You were raised by these people, you know what they can do to someone. Walk away. Even though these people are you parents that doesn't make them important when they are bent on destroying you.
Do you have a safe group of friends? Ones that will stand by you through the tough times? These people are your family. Blood is not the most important element.
Your life with an abusive father should be telling you not to expose your daughter to these people. Does your husband support you, stand up for you? I pray so. Be satisfied with what you have and move on. Be happy and remember you are not them. |
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May 3, 2006, 4:55 pm PDT
Quote From: tammyo1973 My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so. Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her... I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up. Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it, I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all. Am I wrong? I'm not perfect, I have no degrees, I am not an expert in any way, in fact I am here for my own reasons, but if you ask me, there is no way that you are wrong. I'm not going to give advice, because I am not qualified, but I hope that it works out for you, and you find happiness. |
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June 21, 2006, 8:11 am PDT
Quote From: tammyo1973 My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so. Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her... I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up. Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it, I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all. Am I wrong? If you can go to sleep at night knowing in your heart of hearts that you are doing the absolute best parenting job you can do, then no, you are not wrong. If you want your parents in your life, you may have to find a way to filter out the negative things they say and avoid all the hot-button issues you can with them. You may need to learn to let it roll off, instead of taking it to heart. You are not what/who they say you are, you are what/who you know you are. Stop letting their opinions about you decide your life for you.
You may need to sit them down and tell them what topics are "off limits" for you to continue having a relationship with them. Your first priority and your first loyalty is not to your parents, but to your children and your husband. Tell them point blank, "You may not agree with me or understand my position, but I feel that your treatment of me is unfair, hurtful and possibly abusive. I want you to be in my life, but only if you can be a positive force, rather than a negative one. I have too much on my plate to continue being your target. If you cannot be positive and supportive, then I will limit my and my family's contact with you permanently."
The best advice I ever got was from a boss who once told me, "Don't ever let other people dictate your emotions to you." In other words, don't let them make you cry. If you can separate yourself from them emotionally, then it may be possible for you to continue having a relationship with your parents, because whatever they do or say won't have any power over you. I've learned from years of hostility between me and my mother how to co-exist peacefully by blowing her off when need be. I shake my head and let it go. As long as their barbs continue to hit home, it will only continue to hurt you and your family and you need to protect yourselves from that. |
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October 23, 2007, 5:18 pm PDT
Quote From: tammyo1973 My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so. Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her... I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up. Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it, I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all. Am I wrong? I came from a similar home. My stepmother was the violent one, my dad the passive one. I have had to cut almost all contact. When I go to extended family functions, I am courteous and friendly. Honestly, I cannot have any more of a relationship with them. It is simply too unhealthy for me and then I start feeling unhealthy feelings, mostly pain from memories. Mental disorder is not something to be ashamed of, its just another illness to be treated just like a physical condition. How can a child feel healthy again and sane if the person who attacked them doesnt have to take any responsibility or discipline for their actions? My stepmother and dad apologized to me. It helped relieve some of the pain, but waves of pain hit me when something triggers it. Bipolar is not something you "give" to a child-if its hereditary-thats not your fault either. Heart disease runs in my family, but I dont blame my ancestors. You are not to blame. I go to church and faith and believing doesnt make illness always go away. God does things his way and his time. My advice is stay close to those that make you feel healthy emotionally and in all ways. Always be kind to those who you cant be close to, maybe someday they will come around. If not, at least you can live a happier and healthier life. You are not wrong. |
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August 20, 2008, 3:23 pm PDT
Quote From: tammyo1973 My homelife was abusive from a young age. Mental and verbal and emotional mostly. I have been punched by my dad. THings ended up being good with us until I married a nice man and my dad lost control of me. My hubby works 80-100 hours aweek, I get to stay home. We have a really nice house. I have 2 children, one from a boyfriend 14 years ago and our toddler who is 3. My 14 yr odl was molested by an ex husband of mine. She has been diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. My parents wanted me to NOT press charges on ex husband for the molestation. ARE THEY CRAZY i guess so. Then when my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar, they told me it was my fault and if my husband and myself would spend more time with her she would be ok. We live with her so we spend all our time with her... I had to have her admitted to a psych hospital (not fun for a mom) and my dad said I should be the one who is locked up. Anyhow things go tso back we stopped talking for about 1 year. I have begun speaking to them again but cannot get past the last couple years of the stuff with my daughter. Whenever I bring her up in conversation and what is going on with her illness they change the subject or tell me to go to schurch. I do go to church and do not get me wrong I believe and have faith. BUT a mental illness just doesn't go away. Why don't they get it, I try to not talk about my daughter with them and then they say they feel left out. SO then I end up not talking to them at all. Am I wrong? When everything you do is wrong, it's not about you, it's about them. You are not responsible for what other adults do, (famiy or not) and you are not responsible for their behavior. If you don't want to discuss your business and decisions, tell them so. If they become verbally abusive, calmly tell them that you find their behavour disrespectful and as a result, you are leaving. Then get up and leave immediately without further comments. After that happens a few times, they will recognize that your private life is not up for discusssion because it's not their business. If they want you in their life they will learn to show you respect and dignity. |
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