Replies to '01/18 "Fighting Over the Will"'

So sad, but true!  And the story, and the behavior pattern are handed down to the next generation.  My grandmother passed away in 1940, a daughter was in the process of taking everything (there was little to be had) so my father took a rocking chair.  The daughter passed away shortly after, and her daughter (to this day) believes her mother got nothing.  The rocking chair was hid in a closet, in case those relatives should come to visit....until 2001.  Being the only "caregiver personality" in the family I made 8 hr round trips sometimes weekly until she passed away at 102.  At the time siblings were 84, 83, 82, 75, 59, I was 61.  Two siblings who lived within 20 miles of her & the two that lived further away, had many excuses, for keeping their distance, and maintained a very negative, critical attitude toward my self and a brother.  Perhaps they felt guilty, maybe they are just plain selfish.  My brother and I also maintained my mothers home place, small 100 yr old house and almost an acre of land, from where the rocking chair came.  The siblings had verbally given us the house, they saw the futility in accepting responsibility for maintenance. 

My brother, myself and our families enjoy many happy hours there as a get away, and in sweat equity.  Mother was pleased to see the old home place kept up so nice and that we "kids" had worked out a plan. 

Six months before her death she was very ill, delirious, two siblings were at her bedside, one or the other constantly.  However, they reported there was no reason for alarm, those of us away need not come, prognosis was good.  We were to later learn that those two siblings kept the rest of us at bay,  while they pumped her for information about finances and heirloom jewelry, etc., called in a lawyer to change the powers of attorney and the will, and to start funeral arrangements.  

Surprise, surprise, the chair is in hiding again....   

The "100 yr old house"  that had been of no interest, was appraised by a friend of theirs for $24,000. double what it was worth, and all the "sweat equity" and their promises meant nothing to them.  They obtained a lawyer, and forced my brother and I to buy them out, or they were willing to sell the property on the court house steps. 

In the midst of this kind of chaos, I kept expecting the loving,rational, good side of my siblings to return, their pettiness and betrayal were devasting, the loss of them as family members hurtful, confusing.  Everyone except me has serious health issues, cancer, stroke, heart, I know the toll the stress took on my body,,,I think it contributed to an earlier death of my youngest brother, and oldest sister.   

I have wonderful memories of the one on one time I had with my mother the last 10-15 years of her life, until the very end she was witty, charming, independent and well read, and in control of her flock,  she knew she and I had reversed roles, and enjoyed (& commanded) my doting on her.  The gift is that she and I became friends, confidants, gained understanding, and she taught me the most the last six months of her life about dignity, morality, mortality...for those siblings who were so busy and had time for 5-10 min visits or phone calls...they missed really knowing their mother. 

My brother and I could buy our happy place, the old homestead, however, money didn't dispel the others feelings of  their anger and bitterness, or restore peace.   

I have asked for foregiveness for the non-productive, hurtful actions and words that I brought to the situation, and have forgiven them.  The conversation with my youngest brother was brief,  my only hope is that he felt as much peace as I did.  My sister was brain-dead when I got to her bedside, the hospital staff said she could no longer hear, however, as I talked to her, forgave her, asked for foregiveness, there was a brief moment where her facial expression changed and she was at peace. 

I've made great strides in accepting my sister and brother, who remain somewhat estranged..they are aging, poor health, carry bitterness still.  That is their journey and about their life...I understand now that we were destined to experience this and that my brother and I are to serve as examples to the next generation, or to other families, that family relationships can falter, fail, and be rebuilt to some degree.   

Six years ago my brother was told he had inoperable cancer and days to live...six years later, at age 79, he is a very physically active man, has a good outlook on life.  He has since had colon removed, 2/3 of one lung removed.  The cancer is spreading slowly into his other lung, and throughout his chest wall.  Through this period of time he and I practiced forgiveness, of ourselves, and of others, staying positive in our thoughts and actions, again mentoring the next generation by example. 

Things and money detract us from what is really important on this earth