Replies to 'Differing Sex Drives'
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July 23, 2005, 1:36 pm PDT
 Hi all, this is my first posting here. It seems as if everyone is talking about the "new" system and not the subject of this board, so I hope I'm not intruding!
;-)
My wife and I have been married for over a year - second marriage for both of us. Our problem is that she's never had a normal sex life. According to her, it's never been about her, and she really doesn't know how to express herself. She's not used to the way I am, which is that I like to please her first and foremost.
She seems to be okay with that for the most part, but she doesn't reciprocate 99% of the time.
((By the way, this system does stink - what's up with not being able to backspace??))
She feels inadequate and self-conscious and rather than just trying to break out of it, she does nothing, hence our problem.
I sometimes feel as if she doesn't have any desire for me, but she vehemently denies that. But the fact remains that things are the way they are and I'm very unhappy with this area of our life.
I'll readily admit that I am more focused on this problem because of my experience with my first wife where we just let issues like this go without truly working through it. I don't want this to haunt us throughout our marriage.
I'm not a cheater and have zero desire to be with anyone else - that's kind of the problem. I find my wife extremely attractive and she turns me on 24/7, but I don't feel any of that - even a little bit - toward me.
I'm in a loop where she only brings up our having "alone" time after I've complained out loud to her, so it gives me the feeling of her appeasing me. But it doesn't last. Not until I complain again, so you could see how that doesn't make me feel too good.
Anyone else have this type of experience? Welcome to the board. I've said the same problem with my husband on and off. My sex drive is just generally higher than his. And, as with you and your wife, we go through phases where I want it a lot and he doesn't want it at all and only gives in it seems to appease me. I've also invested way too much time and energy into feeling inadequate and unattractive. What has helped me is first to never allow myself to run that script in my mind again. I AM attractive. I AM worthy of his love and lust! When I feel the old insecurity setting in, I just stop in in its tracks. The more attractive I feel to myself, after all, the more attracted he feels to me. Second, I keep myself busy enough with work, kids, or personal projects that there's a little bit of distance he has to cross to get to me. In other words, I play a little hard to get. I've found that if I'm not all over him all the time begging for sex, if I act like I could take it or leave it, he's a lot more likely to feel the urge all on his own. I don't know if any of this will work for you since the tables are turned in your relationship, but I wish you luck. |
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July 24, 2005, 11:50 am PDT
Hi all, this is my first posting here. It seems as if everyone is talking about the "new" system and not the subject of this board, so I hope I'm not intruding!
;-)
My wife and I have been married for over a year - second marriage for both of us. Our problem is that she's never had a normal sex life. According to her, it's never been about her, and she really doesn't know how to express herself. She's not used to the way I am, which is that I like to please her first and foremost.
She seems to be okay with that for the most part, but she doesn't reciprocate 99% of the time.
((By the way, this system does stink - what's up with not being able to backspace??))
She feels inadequate and self-conscious and rather than just trying to break out of it, she does nothing, hence our problem.
I sometimes feel as if she doesn't have any desire for me, but she vehemently denies that. But the fact remains that things are the way they are and I'm very unhappy with this area of our life.
I'll readily admit that I am more focused on this problem because of my experience with my first wife where we just let issues like this go without truly working through it. I don't want this to haunt us throughout our marriage.
I'm not a cheater and have zero desire to be with anyone else - that's kind of the problem. I find my wife extremely attractive and she turns me on 24/7, but I don't feel any of that - even a little bit - toward me.
I'm in a loop where she only brings up our having "alone" time after I've complained out loud to her, so it gives me the feeling of her appeasing me. But it doesn't last. Not until I complain again, so you could see how that doesn't make me feel too good.
Anyone else have this type of experience? this system does stink, I would like to reply right onto lilacs post to you but then you wouldn't know it was to you and it would have her quote there and not really a continuation of your thread, threads are dead here now :(
Anyhow, it really does seem (from your post) that your wife needs to learn about loving making and her own body too! Lovemaking isn't just taking and her body should react not just to you but also to herself. This does not sound like it is a problem you created. Was she more sexual before marriage? How old is she? Do you think that a sex clinic would be helpful? Or learning techniques like tantric and karmasutra?
I think this is terribly sad that this is happening after just a year of marriage. Do you think your wife orgasms? Can you feel contractions? If she doesn't orgasm that can be a part of the reason she is not that into it. Far too many people fake orgasming because they don't want to think they are "broken" or missing out on something or cheating their spouse, however faking is harmful. It allows someone to NOT learn about their own bodies. Would your wife be receptive to adding toys to you sex life?
It has to be very hard to feel like you are being placated and not MADE LOVE TO.
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January 2, 2006, 3:22 pm PST
Quote From: bonked Hi all, this is my first posting here. It seems as if everyone is talking about the "new" system and not the subject of this board, so I hope I'm not intruding! ;-) My wife and I have been married for over a year - second marriage for both of us. Our problem is that she's never had a normal sex life. According to her, it's never been about her, and she really doesn't know how to express herself. She's not used to the way I am, which is that I like to please her first and foremost. She seems to be okay with that for the most part, but she doesn't reciprocate 99% of the time. ((By the way, this system does stink - what's up with not being able to backspace??)) She feels inadequate and self-conscious and rather than just trying to break out of it, she does nothing, hence our problem. I sometimes feel as if she doesn't have any desire for me, but she vehemently denies that. But the fact remains that things are the way they are and I'm very unhappy with this area of our life. I'll readily admit that I am more focused on this problem because of my experience with my first wife where we just let issues like this go without truly working through it. I don't want this to haunt us throughout our marriage. I'm not a cheater and have zero desire to be with anyone else - that's kind of the problem. I find my wife extremely attractive and she turns me on 24/7, but I don't feel any of that - even a little bit - toward me. I'm in a loop where she only brings up our having "alone" time after I've complained out loud to her, so it gives me the feeling of her appeasing me. But it doesn't last. Not until I complain again, so you could see how that doesn't make me feel too good. Anyone else have this type of experience?
I always thought men had the greater sex drive. I am in my second marriage. My husband is 13 years younger than me. He tells me that he doesn't "think" about sex. It doesn't occur to him. I find this has eroded my self esteem to a low. I am insecure being that much older than him to begin with. I did not see this coming. We were separated for a time when we were first married due to work in another country. Now he has been back for a year and I am totally stressed and frustrated. I have tried and tried to explain that I NEED this physical love besides the affection of kisses and hugs. It has put me into therapy for depression. I think the more he stone-walls this, the worse I get in wishing we had something more than maybe once a month. I have tried the different angles ... suggesting to downright asking. He insists that he is attracted to me and I don't suspect him having an affair. I am really just heart broken and wonder what my future will hold with a man who loves with hugs and kisses. |
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February 28, 2006, 11:21 am PST
Quote From: bonked Hi all, this is my first posting here. It seems as if everyone is talking about the "new" system and not the subject of this board, so I hope I'm not intruding! ;-) My wife and I have been married for over a year - second marriage for both of us. Our problem is that she's never had a normal sex life. According to her, it's never been about her, and she really doesn't know how to express herself. She's not used to the way I am, which is that I like to please her first and foremost. She seems to be okay with that for the most part, but she doesn't reciprocate 99% of the time. ((By the way, this system does stink - what's up with not being able to backspace??)) She feels inadequate and self-conscious and rather than just trying to break out of it, she does nothing, hence our problem. I sometimes feel as if she doesn't have any desire for me, but she vehemently denies that. But the fact remains that things are the way they are and I'm very unhappy with this area of our life. I'll readily admit that I am more focused on this problem because of my experience with my first wife where we just let issues like this go without truly working through it. I don't want this to haunt us throughout our marriage. I'm not a cheater and have zero desire to be with anyone else - that's kind of the problem. I find my wife extremely attractive and she turns me on 24/7, but I don't feel any of that - even a little bit - toward me. I'm in a loop where she only brings up our having "alone" time after I've complained out loud to her, so it gives me the feeling of her appeasing me. But it doesn't last. Not until I complain again, so you could see how that doesn't make me feel too good. Anyone else have this type of experience? Hello, I have heard about this problem with many couples. The wife does not feel as attractive as she used to because she has put on weight - she doesn't want to have sex or do it with the lights on; or her partner pleases her in every way, but she does not return the favor. It's sad, but it's pretty common. I have heard my guy friends tell me that they satisfy their wives, but the wives refuse to give a little oral sex in return. I tell them that their wives are just plain selfish, and that they should talk about it if it's going to get any better. Sometimes, sex is used as a weapon...it only happens when the person in control wants it, using sex to get whatever he/she wants. I saw some apes at the San Diego Zoo that did the same thing. The male had food that the female wanted, so she gave him some tail, and he gave her some food. LOL! |
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March 25, 2008, 9:38 pm PDT
Quote From: bonked Hi all, this is my first posting here. It seems as if everyone is talking about the "new" system and not the subject of this board, so I hope I'm not intruding! ;-) My wife and I have been married for over a year - second marriage for both of us. Our problem is that she's never had a normal sex life. According to her, it's never been about her, and she really doesn't know how to express herself. She's not used to the way I am, which is that I like to please her first and foremost. She seems to be okay with that for the most part, but she doesn't reciprocate 99% of the time. ((By the way, this system does stink - what's up with not being able to backspace??)) She feels inadequate and self-conscious and rather than just trying to break out of it, she does nothing, hence our problem. I sometimes feel as if she doesn't have any desire for me, but she vehemently denies that. But the fact remains that things are the way they are and I'm very unhappy with this area of our life. I'll readily admit that I am more focused on this problem because of my experience with my first wife where we just let issues like this go without truly working through it. I don't want this to haunt us throughout our marriage. I'm not a cheater and have zero desire to be with anyone else - that's kind of the problem. I find my wife extremely attractive and she turns me on 24/7, but I don't feel any of that - even a little bit - toward me. I'm in a loop where she only brings up our having "alone" time after I've complained out loud to her, so it gives me the feeling of her appeasing me. But it doesn't last. Not until I complain again, so you could see how that doesn't make me feel too good. Anyone else have this type of experience? I have posted here before and your story rings most true. I always feel as though my husband is giving into me and it is all sorts of planned. I am usually the one who finally gets to the point of demanding it, I guess, and it feels as though he just gives in. It is not spontaneous whatsoever. If I waited which I have time and time again he would never come on to me, so that's when the resentment begins. If I were in charge we would have a wonderful spontaneous sex life. I would keep this relationship young forever. I am 33 and he is 36 so it's not like were too old. He just doesn't have much of a libido. This is in every other aspect the love of my life...but if this doesn't change I don't know what I will do. I would never cheat, if those feelings ever occured then I would leave. I am super excited that he is willing to get his hormone levels checked as well as I am to figure this out. This is all thanks to the recent episode on Dr. Phil. I hope this will change soon for us. |
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June 11, 2008, 6:22 pm PDT
Quote From: bonked Hi all, this is my first posting here. It seems as if everyone is talking about the "new" system and not the subject of this board, so I hope I'm not intruding! ;-) My wife and I have been married for over a year - second marriage for both of us. Our problem is that she's never had a normal sex life. According to her, it's never been about her, and she really doesn't know how to express herself. She's not used to the way I am, which is that I like to please her first and foremost. She seems to be okay with that for the most part, but she doesn't reciprocate 99% of the time. ((By the way, this system does stink - what's up with not being able to backspace??)) She feels inadequate and self-conscious and rather than just trying to break out of it, she does nothing, hence our problem. I sometimes feel as if she doesn't have any desire for me, but she vehemently denies that. But the fact remains that things are the way they are and I'm very unhappy with this area of our life. I'll readily admit that I am more focused on this problem because of my experience with my first wife where we just let issues like this go without truly working through it. I don't want this to haunt us throughout our marriage. I'm not a cheater and have zero desire to be with anyone else - that's kind of the problem. I find my wife extremely attractive and she turns me on 24/7, but I don't feel any of that - even a little bit - toward me. I'm in a loop where she only brings up our having "alone" time after I've complained out loud to her, so it gives me the feeling of her appeasing me. But it doesn't last. Not until I complain again, so you could see how that doesn't make me feel too good. Anyone else have this type of experience? i do feel sorry for you. i am speaking from the wifes prespective here though, that maybe you ahvent looked at or ask her about. women know therse things, dont ask how we just do. i think that alot of this stems from how her first husband treated her in the bedroom. If he didnt ever give her attention or treated her badly when she tried giving him attention and i promise you that i live through this every day and have for years. like celibate for the last two of them, and no lingerie or anything even works on him and hasnt in years, and then its all the emotional things that go along with it, that could be your problem. it depends on how your sex life was while you were dating. you see, like the kind of man that does the flower thing and all. if not try that, try courting her. but dont expect sex. if she feels less pressure than it might work. i hope so for your sake i really do, try different places in the house not in the house try anything take her to a lingerie store and show her what you want anything that yiou think will help< mine will not go> i have went through all this already. nothing has worked for me and i dont wont to see that happened to you are anyone here, i have even written a hot sexy book for people like you, to get that passion back in their lifes. since i cant. i have even tried the never bringing it up at all thing, and that didnt work either. he doesnt ask me why i dont wont it and we dont talk about it at all. he avoids the whole issue. he never looks at my body at all. he only tells his friends that she will get nothing out of me, and has for years. if he thinks that i might won it on anniversairies and i have said nothing to even make him think that, he will complain that he is tired,. he wont ask his doctor for viagra either. its like i am always going to be alone like this and now i am used to it and dont know what it would feel like to be to be alive again. i am just saying that you should still be on your honey moon type of thing now, and you need to find away to to bring her a live again if you ahev to ask her what it would take then do that. i wish you luck, but dont let it go to far. you will regret it if you do. you and she should be having a good time and doing everything with one another that your others didnt do with you. good luck. |
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