Replies to 'Setting Boundaries'
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January 14, 2006, 4:29 pm PST
 Quote From: paladium I am a step-father and find myself backed into a corner between my wife and her 14 year old daughter. No matter what I try to do or say, regardless of intent or good will, my every word and action are looked at with suspicion, and often with hostility, by both of them. I am continually accused of being emotionally "mean" to the daughter because my comments are always taken as "critical". However, if I don't say anything to her daughter at all in order to avoid those very problems, I get blasted for ignoring her daughter and not showing her love and respect.
I'm screwed!
We also have a son between us who is 19 months old. I often feel as if my wife is holding him hostage in order to force me to comply with what she wants, and how she wants me to treat her daughter. Can you say "resentment"? My wife refuses to attend family counseling to work out these issues, stating that she knows that she is partly to blame, but doesn't intend to change her behavior.
OK, so now I'm screwed x 2!
I have tried to research these kinds of problems on the web and have sent her articles on how important step-fathers are, and what some of the major problems are in step-families, all in the hopes of educating each other on the difficulties and dynamics of blended families. I’m not sure if she is willing to even try… As one article I recently read described "... for a stepfamily to work, the stepdad must have the respect of his spouse and stepchild. Without this, stepdads always becomes the odd man out". This is how I feel I am treated.
I do not know how to turn this ship around, but above all, I do not want our family to become just another negative statistic. We have no other major issues in our husband-wife relationship, and very few minor ones. We are very compatible in many, many ways, and our morals and beliefs are identical. We do not smoke, drink, party, or anything else that could cause problems in a marriage. We are both home every night and on the weekends, we go out and do things together as a family regularly, and together we are able to provide well for our combined family. And yet despite all this, we are on the verge of disaster.
I'm afraid that if we can not overcome this issue, it will lead to divorce. I do not want that... not again.
Help!
A loving husband and step-father,
David I admire your desire to keep your family together.
I want you to hear me when I tell you that teens add a dimension of drama to a relationship that goes far beyond anything a couple can understand!
My fifteen year-old has created quite a lot of drama between me and her dad. Neither of us have remarried. This last year has brought so much sadness and despair. Her dad and I don't communicate anymore. I have been my daughters rock for fourteen years. When her dad wasn't there for her I was the one to pick up the pieces. Her dad has made many mistakes which have caused him to lose his job, his house and his car. He filed bankruptcy for the second time and apparently that was the last straw for him. He didn't want to pay me child support anymore. Suddenly, I found myself with a daughter who was very unhappy. She would come to me stating that I love money more than I love her. Before I knew it, her dad was defending my daughter's bad behavior because of his hatred for me. Her dad finally gave me an ultimatum. If my daughter called him crying again, he would come to my house and take her from me. The most heartbreaking decision that I ever had to make was to tell him to ask her if she wanted to stay with him. I figured that she would be happier. Never in a million years did I ever think she would be gone for a year. To this day, she still thinks of me as the bad parent.
What I have come to understand is that teens act out because of the unhappiness that they feel inside. In addition, teens are trying to work out their own feelings about why the marriage between their parents failed. Not only that, but at fifteen, teens are dealing with the stress of realizing that they need to get good grades in order to graduate from high school and get into a good college.
What I'm trying to say is that raising a teen is difficult. You have added another dimension of uncertainty into this teens life because you married your teens mom.
I would say ask you significant other to stay focused on your relationship. Let her know that "this too shall pass." I would hate to see your relationship end. Once your stepdaughter is older, and is able to understand the adult world better, you and your spouse will have a much better relationship. |
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January 31, 2006, 10:30 pm PST
Quote From: paladium I am a step-father and find myself backed into a corner between my wife and her 14 year old daughter. No matter what I try to do or say, regardless of intent or good will, my every word and action are looked at with suspicion, and often with hostility, by both of them. I am continually accused of being emotionally "mean" to the daughter because my comments are always taken as "critical". However, if I don't say anything to her daughter at all in order to avoid those very problems, I get blasted for ignoring her daughter and not showing her love and respect.
I'm screwed!
We also have a son between us who is 19 months old. I often feel as if my wife is holding him hostage in order to force me to comply with what she wants, and how she wants me to treat her daughter. Can you say "resentment"? My wife refuses to attend family counseling to work out these issues, stating that she knows that she is partly to blame, but doesn't intend to change her behavior.
OK, so now I'm screwed x 2!
I have tried to research these kinds of problems on the web and have sent her articles on how important step-fathers are, and what some of the major problems are in step-families, all in the hopes of educating each other on the difficulties and dynamics of blended families. I’m not sure if she is willing to even try… As one article I recently read described "... for a stepfamily to work, the stepdad must have the respect of his spouse and stepchild. Without this, stepdads always becomes the odd man out". This is how I feel I am treated.
I do not know how to turn this ship around, but above all, I do not want our family to become just another negative statistic. We have no other major issues in our husband-wife relationship, and very few minor ones. We are very compatible in many, many ways, and our morals and beliefs are identical. We do not smoke, drink, party, or anything else that could cause problems in a marriage. We are both home every night and on the weekends, we go out and do things together as a family regularly, and together we are able to provide well for our combined family. And yet despite all this, we are on the verge of disaster.
I'm afraid that if we can not overcome this issue, it will lead to divorce. I do not want that... not again.
Help!
A loving husband and step-father,
David Dear David, hi my name is Bernie. I understand everything you wrote about your 14 yr old step daughter, I too also have a 14 yr old daughter along with a 12 yr old son and a 7 yr old son. The 2 older children are from my previous relationship, which back when they were 5 and 3 when we seperated. A year later in 1997 I met a great man, who today is my husband. In 1999 we had a son together, we married in 2001. From the very start of our relationship, I told my husband, that if we were to get together then he would have to stand up to the kids, being the elder ones that is. Dont let them ride all over you etc. etc. Because kids will do that, they still try and do that today. The biggest and probably most important thing to have in a situation like this is to have a really good comunication between yourself and your wife. Kids that come from a broken home I suppose would try anything to come between what theyre mum/dad has, knowing they havent got their biological mum/dad there. I know my daughter has and probably is still trying to do. The hardest part is I suppose, is backing each other up on decisions being made with decipline, whatever how big or small the decisions are, no matter if theyre over big things or little things, you need to back each other up. If that doesnt happen and the child recognises that she can have her own way with one of use, then she's going to use that everytime she wants something etc. etc. But I have to admit being a mother of a 14 yr old, knowing that shes my biological daughter, and having my husband come down on her when she needs it, its painfull, knowing she deserves her consequences, but if I let my daughter see what im feeling when things dont go her way, then of course she's going to act on it the next time, so this is the time to back each other up. If my daughter does something and it deserves a consequence, no matter who makes the decision, we all ways back each other up. You have too, if you want your marriage to work. If i thought my hubby was too strict on her then yes I would talk to him at a later time, tell him what i thought and if necessary gave him my thoughts on how he couldve done it a bit better, but certainly not infront of her though . David, I hope my thoughts and experience will enlighten you and your wife's worries about raising a 14 yr old daughter, maybe we should keep in touch, to keep our sanity together hahaha. Good Luck, Bernie
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January 24, 2007, 11:56 am PST
Quote From: paladium I am a step-father and find myself backed into a corner between my wife and her 14 year old daughter. No matter what I try to do or say, regardless of intent or good will, my every word and action are looked at with suspicion, and often with hostility, by both of them. I am continually accused of being emotionally "mean" to the daughter because my comments are always taken as "critical". However, if I don't say anything to her daughter at all in order to avoid those very problems, I get blasted for ignoring her daughter and not showing her love and respect.
I'm screwed!
We also have a son between us who is 19 months old. I often feel as if my wife is holding him hostage in order to force me to comply with what she wants, and how she wants me to treat her daughter. Can you say "resentment"? My wife refuses to attend family counseling to work out these issues, stating that she knows that she is partly to blame, but doesn't intend to change her behavior.
OK, so now I'm screwed x 2!
I have tried to research these kinds of problems on the web and have sent her articles on how important step-fathers are, and what some of the major problems are in step-families, all in the hopes of educating each other on the difficulties and dynamics of blended families. I’m not sure if she is willing to even try… As one article I recently read described "... for a stepfamily to work, the stepdad must have the respect of his spouse and stepchild. Without this, stepdads always becomes the odd man out". This is how I feel I am treated.
I do not know how to turn this ship around, but above all, I do not want our family to become just another negative statistic. We have no other major issues in our husband-wife relationship, and very few minor ones. We are very compatible in many, many ways, and our morals and beliefs are identical. We do not smoke, drink, party, or anything else that could cause problems in a marriage. We are both home every night and on the weekends, we go out and do things together as a family regularly, and together we are able to provide well for our combined family. And yet despite all this, we are on the verge of disaster.
I'm afraid that if we can not overcome this issue, it will lead to divorce. I do not want that... not again.
Help!
A loving husband and step-father,
David It is just so amazing how well i know the feelings you are in this post. Being a mother of one daughter of age 14 and i stand in the place of a step mother for 11 going on twelve years now with NO desire of marriage to the father of two teen age daughters that are 15 and 16 years old. When ever a situation comes up our house hold is like a busy court room. Which im on the stand to defend with EVIDENCE to show my side and or proof of something i heard or saw. |
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