Replies to '03/31 Love Smart, Part 1'

This is my first time responding to a msg board; I couldn't let your comments pass. I know that you don't mean for all your assumptions to apply to older women. Let me take them in order. 

(1) --an assumption that older women have spent a lifetime being miserable. I have a circle of older women friends (we are between 50 and 67; I am 58). Not one of us is miserable. Indeed, we have learned a few lessons. Not all women have a hostile attitude toward men. As we have gotten older, we have also gotten much smarter at making the right choices, and just won't stand for someone who isn't as interested in us as we are of them, or hasn't learned from their past relationships, or treats us like we were dog meat. Many of us older women are better at having relationships that are not shallow. 

(2) Curious about sex--we just don't jump into bed on a first date, or even the second or third. We prefer the old-fashioned and unencumbered way--get to know a person before making such a huge emotional (and sex is emotional) commitment. Besides, the fastest growing group for AIDS happens to be women over the age of 50 (I read that somewhere), and no one wants to be in that group. 

(3) We definitely know how to have fun. We travel, attend college (fun classes in continuing ed), volunteer a lot, try new things, etc. 

(4) As for whining--I have found just the opposite in older women. The older my friends and I have gotten, the much more mellowed-out we have become. We have learned what is important in our lives, and that every day is precious and shouldn't be wasted on complaining. In short, don't sweat the small stuff. No one is perfect, and if we were to spend time looking for faults, no one would be dating. But, I DO know what I want and don't want (and look for surprises in between).  For example, I absolutely will not date a smoker--I have asthma. I will not give the time of day to someone who has children and does not pay any attention to them; same goes for the way a man may treat his parents (assuming they are alive--that's usually not a problem in my age group). I will not get involved with a man who has a drinking problem. And, I will not continue to get into a car with someone who just won't drive safely. If that is fault finding, then so be it. My safety is worth a lot more than someone who doesn't care about mine or theirs. 

My experience with men who are divorced is that most of them have been very bitter with their ex-wives, and assume all women will "treat you wrong"  because their wives did. Not true. Kind of like eating a bad meal at a restaurant, and swearing off eating out ever again.   

In summary, I am not unlike many of my female friends: We are retired, very financially secure (some of us own 2 houses and 2 cars), highly educated--we have graduate degrees, we live in beautiful homes, exercise daily, travel, volunteer with several organizations, have hobbies, participate in sports, and take care of ourselves. We are constantly learning. We are not averse to having a relationship with a nice guy (marriage is not always the goal). We even go to places where you would meet men (just no bars). 

I got married late--my career was my #1 priority until I did. (Remember that study that said single women who hadn't married by the time they were 40 had a better chance of getting killed by a terrorist?) When my then-husband said--You can't stay married to me because you didn't change your name and that means you don't love me (something we discussed at length before getting married)--well, I thought, perhaps I would have been better off never marrying. I was very happy being single, and I am still happy (divorced). But finding someone after the age of 50 is not easy. Is a man the end-all answer for every woman? No--and that is one difference that we older women have learned that many younger women have not. And, unlike a lot of younger women, we don't fret the week away because we are not dating or involved with some guy. My mother said it all: "I like the fact that I enjoy my own company." You have to be comfortable with yourself first. When you know who you are, you can bring so much more to a relationship.  

I would like to see Dr. Phil address issues that older women (from the comments on this board, it seems that group starts at age 40) would be interested in. I don't know a female under the age of 50 who watches him (they are too busy with their jobs and children)--certainly he has to know that a good portion of his viewing audience, from my perspective, is "older."