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Replies to '12/08 Extreme Follow-up'
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December 8, 2005, 7:32 pm PST
 Quote From: srndpty333 Every time I hear Dr. Phil say, "You do have to forgive..." I feel like there is something wrong with me. I can't forgive my brother. I have paid a high price for standing up for what I believe in...the right to speak about the damage child sexual abuse has done to my life and my children's lives, and not feel like I am a monster for outing the family's dirty little secret. Do I have some kind of moral flaw? I have been thinking a lot about this for the last couple of months. I tried imagining forgiving my abuser and I was able to do that even though I don't know who he is...I imagined forgiving my family for "paying me back" for putting my brother who sexually molested my son out of my life, by putting me out of their lives...and choosing sides...I would never have asked them to do that. That was a little more difficult but I could imagine coming to an understanding of how they were unable to find a balance and felt like they had no choice but to choose sides even if it was out of anger and vengeance for bursting the "pretend" bubble my family lives in. But when I try to imagine forgiving my brother for what he did to my son I am overcome with anger and rage and pain and I don't think I can ever forgive him...I don't want to be a bad person who is unable to forgive but the years of pain that I don't see ending anytime soon because of what he did keep me from coming to forgiveness. The ripple effects are still strong and ongoing...I had a dream...I had a dream for me...for my kids...for my life...for their's ...for my family...my kids are my family and it is a broken family. It changed me....it changed what I could have been ...it effectively destroyed "potential" in my life...I look around at the devastation in my life because of how I self-destructed for so many years because I hated myself and how that affected my children...the stigma my children carry and I hurt...my daughter was thinking of being a teacher and in the middle of writing an essay about why she wants to do that she came into my room and told me she's afraid if they find out about the history of child sexual abuse in our family they will wonder about her...I cried after she left. I understand what you are going thought and my heart goes out to you i'm not say forgive today but one day you will beable to forgive and when you do that weight will be lifted it took me almost 22 years to forgive my stepfather for sexual abuse. my life changed cause of it i don't live in anger .bad things happen to every one . tell your daughter that she can be anything she wants no matter what happens in life. good or bad and she should not be afraid to be all she can be. for me the more i tryed to hate the man the more hold he had on my life but i'm free and the passed does not haunt me anymore not even in my dreams i hope one day you can feel the same . i am truely sorry for your pain i wish i could help you some how but maybe by shareing our stories it well help cause it helps to talk to someone who understandes the problem |
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December 8, 2005, 7:43 pm PST
Quote From: srndpty333 Every time I hear Dr. Phil say, "You do have to forgive..." I feel like there is something wrong with me. I can't forgive my brother. I have paid a high price for standing up for what I believe in...the right to speak about the damage child sexual abuse has done to my life and my children's lives, and not feel like I am a monster for outing the family's dirty little secret. Do I have some kind of moral flaw? I have been thinking a lot about this for the last couple of months. I tried imagining forgiving my abuser and I was able to do that even though I don't know who he is...I imagined forgiving my family for "paying me back" for putting my brother who sexually molested my son out of my life, by putting me out of their lives...and choosing sides...I would never have asked them to do that. That was a little more difficult but I could imagine coming to an understanding of how they were unable to find a balance and felt like they had no choice but to choose sides even if it was out of anger and vengeance for bursting the "pretend" bubble my family lives in. But when I try to imagine forgiving my brother for what he did to my son I am overcome with anger and rage and pain and I don't think I can ever forgive him...I don't want to be a bad person who is unable to forgive but the years of pain that I don't see ending anytime soon because of what he did keep me from coming to forgiveness. The ripple effects are still strong and ongoing...I had a dream...I had a dream for me...for my kids...for my life...for their's ...for my family...my kids are my family and it is a broken family. It changed me....it changed what I could have been ...it effectively destroyed "potential" in my life...I look around at the devastation in my life because of how I self-destructed for so many years because I hated myself and how that affected my children...the stigma my children carry and I hurt...my daughter was thinking of being a teacher and in the middle of writing an essay about why she wants to do that she came into my room and told me she's afraid if they find out about the history of child sexual abuse in our family they will wonder about her...I cried after she left. OMG! That is so sad.... What you have to realise about forgiveness is that it has NOTHING at all to do with the person who wronged you. It also isn't the facile 'turn the other cheek' thing, either. It's a process of coming to terms with having the horrible experience of having been wronged. It's about accepting that awful reality and moving on. It's hard work and it takes time. You don't mention in your post what (if any) counseling you and your children have received. From personal experience, I would strongly suggest finding a good therapist or psychiatrist to talk this through with. What really helped me with my need to forgive was finding an art therapist. It sounds kind of corny, but a lot of what I was dealing with was so old and so buried that I could not put it into words. It came out in the art, though. It was the process of uncovering that helped me see it more clearly. I sincerely wish you the best! |
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December 9, 2005, 7:20 am PST
Quote From: srndpty333 Every time I hear Dr. Phil say, "You do have to forgive..." I feel like there is something wrong with me. I can't forgive my brother. I have paid a high price for standing up for what I believe in...the right to speak about the damage child sexual abuse has done to my life and my children's lives, and not feel like I am a monster for outing the family's dirty little secret. Do I have some kind of moral flaw? I have been thinking a lot about this for the last couple of months. I tried imagining forgiving my abuser and I was able to do that even though I don't know who he is...I imagined forgiving my family for "paying me back" for putting my brother who sexually molested my son out of my life, by putting me out of their lives...and choosing sides...I would never have asked them to do that. That was a little more difficult but I could imagine coming to an understanding of how they were unable to find a balance and felt like they had no choice but to choose sides even if it was out of anger and vengeance for bursting the "pretend" bubble my family lives in. But when I try to imagine forgiving my brother for what he did to my son I am overcome with anger and rage and pain and I don't think I can ever forgive him...I don't want to be a bad person who is unable to forgive but the years of pain that I don't see ending anytime soon because of what he did keep me from coming to forgiveness. The ripple effects are still strong and ongoing...I had a dream...I had a dream for me...for my kids...for my life...for their's ...for my family...my kids are my family and it is a broken family. It changed me....it changed what I could have been ...it effectively destroyed "potential" in my life...I look around at the devastation in my life because of how I self-destructed for so many years because I hated myself and how that affected my children...the stigma my children carry and I hurt...my daughter was thinking of being a teacher and in the middle of writing an essay about why she wants to do that she came into my room and told me she's afraid if they find out about the history of child sexual abuse in our family they will wonder about her...I cried after she left. No, you do not have some kind of moral flaw. I cant imagine ANY mother being able to forgive the person who abused (sexually or otherwise) their child. If anyone sexually abused my children the best I would be able to do is to try my damndest not to kill them. And that would soley be for my childrens benefit, not the abusers! If someone said I should forgive the rat bat turd, I would tell them to go preach it somewhere else I wasnt in the mood for a sermon.
People are so willing to throw that forgiving word around like it makes everything all better. If you forgave the sob who harmed your child, would it make the past dissapear? Would your son suddenly be innocent again? Would it stop your daughters questions and make everything normal for you and your son and daughter? No, it wouldnt.
You are by no means a "bad person" because you have, what I consider, a completley normal reaction to your sons abuse. I would think something was seriously wrong with you if you didnt feel the way you do! Dr. Phil is a good man who desires to help others but the fact is, neither he nor his children have ever suffered sexual abuse. He grew up with an alcoholic father who he was able to forgive but I question if his father abused or raped (God forbid) one of his sons if he would have been able to forgive that along with the pain he was put through. Its a completley different deal to be able to "forgive" your own abuser/s as opposed to being able to "forgive" the abuser/s of your child. Completley different!
In time, if your son finds himself in a place where he wants to put part of his pain to rest by letting go of the anger and guilt and shame(aka "forgiving")then I would advise you to do your best to support his decision and to commend him on his actions. Until that time comes, letting your child know that simply thinking about what this person did to him has you overcome with anger rage and pain in your heart for what he was put through is probably quite a healthy thing for him. The worse thing you could do would be to minimize his pain and act as though you have forgiven his abuser! Your son doesent need you to forgive someone who has ripped his innocence away from him. He needs you to be there for him, helping him heal, supporting him, allowing him to be angry and allowing him to see your anger, telling him over and over and over again that it wasnt his fault what happened and he owns no guilt or shame. Thats is what will help your son. Whether or not you ever find the abilty to forgive his abuser is pretty much a non issue, imo. As long as you dont hinder him in his healing with your own rage then you are doing nothing wrong and are having completly normal rational feelings.
Please dont let others (or yourself) make you feel bad for what I consider a completley understandable stance. As a mother, I cant see how you would feel any differently! |
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