Quote From: cherylg25I married a man in 1980 who said he was an attorney, just coming out of a divorce. He was the sweetest, caring, compassionate, loving, respectful man I had met in a long time. My story is a very long one, quite painful and regrettable. But once I learned that I didn't have to be held in emotional captivity anymore; I didn't care how many times I heard destructive criticism or felt the physical violence; one day I found the courage to say no, he is not going to hurt me anymore. Love in a marriage isn't enough. I hoped and prayed he would become a better man and learn that it is so much easier to choose right over wrong but he didn't get any better. One of the many issues that I did not deal with in counseling was how to not let what other people think of me matter. Many many people think that the spouse is always guilty by association, just because they are married to the person. That is so so not true. That may be the case in some instances, but not mine. I still feel the shame that I gave my entire heart and soul to this man. He abused me, physically and emotionally, he neglected me, and he loved his drug and alcohol habits and impressing people with who he really wanted to be, because he hated himself so much, he didn't want anyone to know he was a bad guy. He had numerous issues, many that he should have worked out in therapy with his family before he ever met me, but that was not the case. If I can be of help to anyone, I would love to save just one person from the degradation and the turmoil that surrounds the air that you will breathe. There are endless questions that I will never have answers for and I have problems dealing with the unknown, but I have to learn to accept that I will probably never know because he doesn't really know either.
Hi,
I have experienced something very similar to you. I wasnt married to the man, but still I lived with him for 5 years. I knew he was a recovering addict and I met him in college. He swept him off my feet of course and we became inseparable. I was separated from my husband and had just lost my bio family all tragically. I also had a huge inheritance. The roller coaster began. He relapsed and all my caretaker habits kicked in. Before I knew it, he was a full time job. I believe he is also borderline/narcissist/sociopath as well. I went through the worst possible lying, manipulation, gaslighting physical abuse imaginable. He played on my sympathy so often. He became like a drug to me.Before I knew it, I was using drugs with him. I had never used before him. Something insane happened to me. Since he was always disappearing, taking my cars I guess i rationalized using with him so that he would stay around! Real dumb. I dont do that anymore. He was begging marriage, and I got to be friends with his family before things reallygot out of hand. I was always responsable. My kids were grown for the most part away from home, except one son. The abuse we both endured is sad. I always covered for him and forgave him. He ended up withdrawing money from accounts I had for my children. All together about $400,000. So much damage. He would not leave. He was finally escorted out and ended up in jail for something else. I wish I had pressed charges for embezzlement and domestic violence. Too late now. He begged me not to leave him and promised he would make it up to me. I moved across the state, with the desire to start everything over. So naive, I thought he would be better off the drugs. He got sober and all but he got worse. He went from calling me 5 times a day to nothing and then a letter saying it was over. That we had too much past. He become a sponsor to addicts and is doing ok now. He had promised me several times he would make amends. Now he tells me to get over it or go die somewhere, that he had never loved me. This was a year ago. A few ugly emails from him since and acting as if nothing had ever happened, that he didnt steal my money, even though Merrill Lynch fraud dept caught him and so did my lawyer. I cant afford to sue him now and I am having a hard time surviving emotionally. PTSD hit me hard. I have such low self esteem and Iam lonely. He is a very clever one and I was so trusting. How can people sleep with stuff like that? I dont think he really feels anything for anyone but is a master of masquerades. It still hurts terribly knowing that I was in love with a fraud, an illusion.
