Replies to '06/07 Moms' Biggest Mistakes'

I used to be a single mom and I understand what you are going through with your child.  I understand your child.  I think I can help her.  In your position you can't do anything to discipline her or punish her that she isn't already doing to herself.  It would be useless.  That isn't what she needs.  Her brain doesn't work that way.  She has self respect she won't show it.  She is seeking love and attention elsewhere.  She is feeling empty inside and can't express why.  Even with boys and being active with them it isn't because she wants to be with them,  its because she wants to feel something and can't.  She has pushed her emotions very deep down inside of her where she feels nothing.   Cutting is a way to let the pain out.   I think I can help you learn how to talk to her.   I would love to talk to you privately.  Please email me at shawnandlo@earthlink.net you will need to fill out a form to request I receive your email but I would love to help you.  I don't read Dr. Phil's message board very often...I did today...God Bless and I hope you contact me.

Hello, 

  

I am a psychotherapist, and work largely with clients with eating disorders and self-injurious behaviors While I can't offer any counseling online, I recommend that you take your daughter to see a licensed professional in your area...go online to find an agency or professional who specializes in working with adolescents and this type of behavior (it is often misunderstood, even among professionals). 

  

It sounds like your daughter has been through a lot emotionally, and without getting too descriptive, has substituted one self-injurious behavior for another. Both cutting and sexual acting-out have one thing in common...they provide fleeting relief from the "pain" of living, but also carry feelings of shame, guilt, and anger along with them.  

  

There are many reasons adolescent girls act out sexually, and it would be inappropriate for me to try to diagnose her online. I can say that your most important role at this point (and I cannot over-emphasize this) is to love her and let her feel that unconditionally. She needs to feel that you are her safety net, because right now she can't act as her own. She needs to feel that you are proud of her, regardless of her behavior, and that you are never ashamed of or disappointed in her. I would let the professionals be the ones to talk with her about her sexual acting-out, as it sounds like she is going through something more serious than a parent is equipped to handle. Right now your biggest issue isn't whether to move your business, but to learn how to help your child. You may benefit from speaking with a knowledgeable therapist as well, because I'm certain this is draining and frustrating for you as well.  Good luck. 

As I see it, you can't gaurd your daughter from herself!  It is time for plain talk!  And perhaps some counseling for your daughter! 

  

Soon she will be 18 and you will have no say in how and where she takes her life!  I don't feel you should be holding yours back because of mistrust of her! 

  

It is time to lay the rules down with her and make her know you mean it!  That you are depending on her to be responsible so that both your lives may be better! 

  

17 is not 7!  Your daughter is old enough to hear it like it is!   

  

It is time to quit pussy footing around on what you have to say to her! 

  

I'd explain to her that you know she is maturing!  That you don't always want your relationship to be just mother the authoritarian and daughter....but as friends....and as friends you should be open with one another!  And that you want to move your business out but are counting on her to respect you not only as her mother but as her friend to not bring boys into your home to engage in sex!  That it is your home and hers for as long as she really needs to be there, but you want the sanctitiy of your home and privacy respected!  That when she turns 18 and can't abide by your wishes she is free to move out!  However you are hoping that you can trust her to live by home rules!  Since you are paying the rent! 

  

Also tell her you are concerned about how she is exploring her sexuality the way she is and are hoping she will seek out some counseling and will help her to find some!  As she may not be comfortable discussing it with you!  That you want her to make the right decisions for her life and she should want ot as well.  That she should be willing to make sure that she is no way using her sexuality as another expression of self punishment as these things can be intertwined!  That you care for her and want her to be able to know she is picking companions for the right reasons! 

  

But bluntness counts.  Expressing it with love and concern but as well with some authority!  Honesty is always the best policy and walking on eggshells won't change it for you!  Only you can make a difference her.  And obviously your daughter can't read your mind.  Time to tell her what is on your mind and offer her as well as yourself some opportunities to change the predicament you are putting yourselves in! 

  

But in no way do I think you should hold up your opportunity to advance your career for this!  Offer your daughter some trust and have some faith.  Because I tell you, your daughter will be leaving soon enough and you will have held yourself back for nothing!  And you will be kicking yourself later on if you don't! 

  

Mother of 5, all grown up and flown the coop!