Replies to 'My Friend/Relative Won't Discipline!'

Quote From: zatlynn

While trying to log onto the site yet again today for Dr. Phil & Robin's Holiday contest I got interested in this board about parents disciplining their children.  I am a 50 yr old mother of 4, 3 of whom are grown, and a daughter who is 7.  Due to my circumstance in life I have a few friends younger then myself due to my daughter and their's being of like ages.  As a single parent for the past 13 yrs. I have seen a change in the overall quality and quantity of parenting with our younger single parents.  I think one major problem is that our young people are not taught anymore then we were how to be parents.  We all know that there are certain adult issues that are never to be discussed in front of children.  My friend spends almost every waking moment with her daughter.  This is not a right or wrong issue in my opinion, however in that they do, the daughter hears and overhears everything that goes on in my friends life, both the good, the bad and the dysfunctions.  I have learned through a couple of unfortunate experiences that if I do not want my daughter to know something that is going on I cannot tell my friend as her daughter hears of this and then it gets back to my daughter at school or social functions.  She has far more knowledge then she needs to have at 7 yrs. old and comments on far too many adult issues that she should know nothing about due to this.  My daughter is a trusting and believing soul as with most at her age, and at the moment I am afraid that she will learn that there is no Santa Clause due to this.  She has already made comments that Christmas is bought. My friend and I have discussed this and other issues as she is an important person in my life to be able to talk things over with.  In the past we have had behavior problems with the girls that I finally began to handle in an authoritarian way when she is in my home. This is working so far.  My friend and I are both comfortable in my disciplining her when she is at my home.  We both love having the girls spend time together but cannot tolerate the amount of friction, etc that can happen at times when they are together.  At times we have performed in front of them as we see them act as a joke to get a point across to their behavior (this only worked momentarily).  Now I just have adopted a zero tolerance for any kind of misbehavior and abuse between the two of them.  It got to the point that due to the lack of "control" or discipline with my friends daughter that I did not want to spend time with them.  My daughter who is an only child now for the most part desperately wanted the company, however too did not like the difficulties.  With divorce (or having never been married) so much a part of our culture these days, it seems to me more importantly then ever is a need to educate our younger adults how to be parents.  I am not a perfect parent by any means and do not intend to imply this and I for one continue to read and educate myself on this still, after having raised 3 children.  As far as spanking goes, I had a dear friend/minister/father figure at one time who put it like this:  Discipline is teaching (or should be).  In order to teach a child you must first get their attention (in some way). i.e the idea of having them look directly into your eyes as you explain what is expected, then you know you have their attention.  If you cannot get there attention or find a way to get their attention through the withdrawal of priviledges, etc., then a swift pop on the behind with the intention of getting their "attention" is what this (in my opinion and what was shared with me) is all about.  To me this all equals "love" of your child and love of yourself and accepting the serious responsibility of rearing these young people to be socially acceptable persons.  As a young parent I too took the long hard road thinking I was being my child's friend or whatever.........and it just made the road harder for them and myself.  I like the phrase "do not do anything for your child that he/she can do for himself" this builds a strong, self reliant person of character and responsibility.  Being a parent does not mean being a slave.  If we as parents do not get it for ourselves, we are not going to be able to "give" it to our children and we are doing everyone a diservice in the long run.  Being politically correct has taken (or in the process of trying to take) "In God We Trust" out of almost everything in our lives that America stands for.........let's not take it out of the rearing of our children...............or God help us all, and our future.