Replies to 'Childhood Sexual Abuse Support'

Quote From: dramamama

Yes...I did...It's funny because as a child of 9 or 10 I don't remember ever even thinking of telling my parents as a option. I never thought of telling anyone. My dad was in the ministry and I was more concerned of how it would make him look than my own needs. It was like I already knew what the reaction would be so I dealt with it the best I could. I pushed it aside. The memories, the emotions everything. I never did tell my mom...my sister did. I was horrified to know she found out and I didn't even want to discuss it with her. These were her words to me ( I was in my late 20s) "What HAPPENED to you?" I was shocked she knew. I told her. "Well, he was just messing with you. When I was in high school I went on a date where a boy couldn't keep his hands off me. It's happens to everyone." "Mom, I was 10!" "You don't tell everything you know (my name)!" I had given my testimony my church. She was afraid someone in my church (states away from them) would know Daddy. Mind you, I was still mindful of his reputation...still protecting HIM! I was married so my last name is different. I never told anyone my maiden name, where I grew up, the church name of where this occured (Yes. It occured at CHURCH!), or any information that would lead anyone to anyone else but me. I felt that since the sicko is dead, it didn't need to be said.  Anyway it told my Mom that I didn't mean to hurt her or anyone else. This was my story and I did what I had to do. Many people came forward that day. One woman talked to me about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her own mother. It was worth it. All my Mom could say was "Don't tell your father. It would KILL him!" And she is right. It would. I was contemplating it but decided against it after talking to her. I love my Mom and Dad and even after her betrayal, I decided I could go on and heal without him having to know. She also said she would never be able to step foot in my church. That hurt me because my faith is very important to me. And my parents sharing in that growth is important to me. Like any little girl I want them to be proud of me and who they have helped me become. I am so proud of them. It was hard to see my Mom as human. I always thought of her as being larger than life and wanted nothing more than to be just like her. We are very close. But I have since realized that for my Mom, that was how SHE HAD to deal with it. The pain of realizing she had allowed this man to hurt me was too much. The funny thing is that I don't blame her for the abuse. She was a victim too. He groomed her just like he did me. But I do hold her responsible for her actions after she found out. Looking back at that time in my life I think she knew something was up. She had to have. She may have written it off as my struggles with entering adolescence but she knew. Deep down she knew. I have forgiven her for that however. Not because she deserves it but because for my own peace I wanted to. She is too important to me. I love her too much to let her go. So we don't discuss it. It may never come up again. I have chosen not to be bitter or angry. I will never bring it up to her because that would be a slap in the face to her. I have chosen to love her and forgive. It was the hardest thing I ever went through. Even harder than the abuse. I hope you can find some peace to. I am here to help it I can....Just let me know....