Replies to 'Toxic Family Relationships'

I'm assuming that your husband has already talked with his ex and pointed out that this is going to be devastating for the child, him, and your son together? Or did she just make the announcment that she was moving, end of story?  

This must be very difficult for you all, but try not to be angry with your husband regarding the decision you helped him make. This is hurting him just as much as you and your son, you need to band together, be supportive in this stressful time. I know it really stinks to think of only seeing her every other weekend, but taking the advice that lawyers gave you, what else can you do? You don't want to go without essentials for yourselves, taking a risk that it will be for nothing. Keep in mind that it could also be alot worse, she could be moving further away, she is the one holding all of the power. Is it possible to go to court and get granted joint custody at this point? After all, she is spending 3 or 4 days at your home anyway, your husband deserves just as many rights as his ex. I wish you the best, stay strong! 

  Kids adjust, and how well they adjust is ruled by how well the ADULTS in their lives treat eachother. I'm a mom on the other side of the fence and I have a primary care split with my ex,  

and we work very hard at keeping a peace between us. I live over a hundred miles away and we split the transportation issues 50/50 as well.  We all have our individual hurdles, but  making it your business to "to help him make these choices" Is not your job, just as is it not my ex's girlfriends to get involved in our parenting issues with our son.  That just adds to more discontent, and more chaos for the adults to fight over and the kids to deal with.  Your frustration is leaking out and the children can sense it when you argue with your husband over his ex wife.  You did not mention how old the girl is, but I'll bet in a few years she will be able to say who she wants to live with full time.  Find out what the age limit is in your state.  My ex has too many incompetent goof ups for me to worry about him doing that to me in our son's case, but you better make sure your ex does not have any skeletons in his closet either before you attempt it again.  

I wish I had something encouraging to tell you, but my husband's past experience was similar to yours and there was no positive outcome.  He couldn't afford a lawyer for a prolonged legal battle, so he agreed to giving her sole custody with him receiving visitation.  It was a huge mistake, he thought it meant physical custody only and that they would primarily live with her.  He had no idea it basically eliminated his rights as a parent. 

A few years after the divorce, he married me, we have two children together.  Meanwhile, we discovered that her new husband had been arrested twice for assaulting her.  There were periods of months when my husband wasn't allowed visitation or even telephone contact with the children.  We got so desperate that, after discovering the arrest, we contacted Child Protective Services just to find out if they could tell us if the kids were okay.  This only enraged her further, and what little contact we had was terminated by her.  We contacted a lawyer to find out what our options were and were told that we had a chance of getting at least joint custody and restoring visitation, but we would probably not get physical custody unless there was adequate proof that children were being abused.  Even so, all of this would've cost thousands of dollars that we didn't have, so we were advised to "play nice" with her and try to get back into the kids lives that way until we could raise the money to go to court..  One daughter was hit by a car, we were never told.  Two kids got braces that we were supposed to pay for, but had no say in when the braces were put on.  (Waiting six months would have been much less of a financial burden on us.)  They routinely have medical treatment that we're not consulted about.  We have no input into how they live their lives.  We never even get to talk to them on the phone. 

As it stands now, the children have been so brainwashed by their mother that Father's Day came and went with no card and no call, same with my husband's birthday.  He calls them, they don't answer.  He leaves messages, they don't call back.  He sends emails, birthday cards, etc. and they don't respond.  The children are now teenagers with their own cell phones and, one would think, be old enough, mature enough and responsibile to get in touch with him if they wanted to.  But they don't. 

My advice is that if you don't have the bucks to hire a high-power attorney, then make the most of the time you have with your daughter and do everything you can not to rock the boat with her mother.  Even with a lawyer, there's no guarantee that you'd win.  And even if you did win, what would you lose in the fight with regard to family harmony, peace with the mother, emotional damage to your children and your marriage, etc.  My marriage is hanging on by a thread, thanks to a vindictive ex-wife and her manipulation of my husband by using the children to get to us.  Avoid hostility at all costs.  GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL!