Replies to 'Grandparents Raising Grandchildren'

I am a 34 year old mother of 5 who feels that my parental rights, if you call them that… are being trampled. I do not fall into the category of teen mother, drug user, child abuser, or an incarcerated parent. My children, all girls, are 6 months, 9yr old step-daughter, 10, 11, & 14 years old. I grew up in an emotionally, mentally and physically abusive home.  As an adult, I made a decision that, that legacy stops here.  I would not pass the abuse down to my children.  My children would have a happy childhood and I would do my best to see that it happened.  My mother has continued to undermine my parental rules, berate me in front of my children and condone my daughter’s lack of respect towards her elders.  I have endured years of malicious and slanderous lies about me and my parenting by my mother and sister.  She has made anonymous calls to DCFS and to this day she denies making them.  It is a shame to see the Department that is used to “protect” children condones such behavior from an adult.  

 I have been in a 14 year long fight to keep custody of my eldest daughter.  Ten years ago, her grandparents were awarded grandparent visitation and I have abided by it and even given them more than were awarded. My parents were also sued by myself and my ex-husband for the cost of our attorney fees and in 1996 they were ordered to pay the fees in excess of $9,000. (You will find a copy of the check enclosed). The toll that this type of suit takes on a family and marriage is unimaginable.  My husband at the time was falsely accused of physical and sexual abuse, all of which were unfounded. The allegations were only made on my eldest daughter’s behalf at the time she was three years old and the same goes this time around only this time she is 14. Please keep in mind that I have 3 other biological children of whom my mother & sisters has no interest.   

 Now that my ex-husband is not in the picture the allegations are being made toward me. It is the same scenario just 10 years later.  My daughter and I have a relationship that most mothers and teenage daughters have.  I have rules that should be followed and she does not think that she A) Should have rules and B) have to follow those rules.  I am very aware of who Courtney runs around with and where she is at, at all times.  With the way the world is today, I don’t think that a person can be blamed for trying to guide their children in the right direction. 

During the process of defending ourselves it drove my marriage to divorce and my ex-husband to suicide.  Last October I remarried and now my current husband and I are being slandered and put under financial hardship once again, by having to seek council to defend my guardianship. This time there are not allegations of sexual abuse just that my daughter wants to live elsewhere rather than have rules at home.  I want my child home and it seems that “legally” she doesn’t have to come home.  I will not give up guardianship or rights to my daughter.  I gave birth to her, she is not a car that you trade in when it starts acting up and that is what is being asked of me.  She has signed the petition for guardianship….she is 14 years old.  I am 34 and confused by all of this, so how on earth she to know what is is best at her age. 

Recently, my daughter has decided that she would rather go live with her biological father, of whom she has never known.  He gave her up for adoption and surrendered all rights in 1996.   

  I was under the impression that once you surrender your rights, you were not to have any contact unless the custodial parent gave consent, not the grandparent.  DCFS and Kid’s Hope United are actively involved and state that the child should return home, but also state that they cannot make her. It has been over a month and she is adamant and refuses to comply. She is a typical teenager who is currently smarter than her mother and step-father.  If it is any indication of the type of person my mother is, just ask he is a caseworker with Kids Hope United.  She knows my mother personally and asked to be removed from the case out of fear of retaliation from my mother if the case did not go her way.  She has had personal experiences with my mother and was afraid that my mom would go after her job. She told me this during a conversation that I had with her before she turned the case over to Ron.  That is why Ron from Kid’s Hope United was handed the case.  Since Ron has taken the case, they have “avoided” meeting with Ron by dodging phone calls and visits. I had sought to have counseling for Courtney and myself and that is when this all started. 

My mother and sister are only fueling the fire by encouraging her to stay away and have done so by sneaking the child to and from visits with her biological father without my consent & telling her to lie to me about it for over a year.  This is a perfect example of why grandparent’s rights should not be given. We are talking about my parents, not my in-laws.  Currently, I am being sued for guardianship of my own child and not for any good reason.  Why should I have to hire an attorney and defend my parental rights, when I am just trying to raise my children?  My mother is financially supporting the suit and has the money to do so.  Please note, that in no way do I want any part of his estate.  I simply am trying to show that my mother and sisters have the financial means to keep dragging me thru the courts. 

 I feel as a custodial and the only legal parent that I should be able to go and get her and make her come home.  I am being told that as long as she continues to refuse no one can make her return and if I do go try and make her return home, then she is placed in protective custody and DCFS and Kids Hope United is once again called.  When did our children start being able to legally decide what is best for them at such a young age?  I recently heard on the radio that our State Representatives were at odds, over if an 18 year old person is capable of making a decision that will affect the rest of his life by getting a tattoo.  However, the law is letting my 14 year old daughter decide what is in her best interest by letting her “choose” where to live.  I see something critically wrong with this picture.  Since when does getting a tattoo have more of an effect on you life than leaving home at such a young age?

  There is no abuse and this is just a typical case of a teenager who along with her grandmother, knows how to use the system and is abusing it.

This has been going on for way too long and would like some help to see that something of this nature does not happen in the future.  I can understand a child not wanting to return to an abusive or neglected home, but in this instance it is not the case.  We are a family of medium income with a good home and good moral values.  Just because I feel that my teenager should not have her belly button pierced, a cell phone, or a $100.00 purse does not mean that I am a bad parent or that my child can decide that he/she wants to live with someone who will buy it or who can afford to.  My other children are on high honor roll and excel in school. They both have 4.8 and 4.7 GPA and Courtney, my oldest did so up until grandma & aunts started deciding what was in her best interest. She excelled in school and was in Beta Club and honor roll until she started sneaking around with my mother and sister to see her biological father. That is when her grades initially started to decline. It was actually a relief to her when I found out. I did not have a problem with her wanting to know “where” she came from.  What I do have a problem with is the fact that my mother and sister made the decision as to what was best for Courtney.  That should have been my decision to make.  She is at a very impressionable age and I did not and do not feel that telling a teenager to lie to her mother is a real bright idea.  Teenager’s have enough problems opening up to their parents. So why did her grandmother tell her to lie to me.  I find that in itself disturbing behavior, from what should be a responsible adult.  If you will, note the timeline of events.  August 1st my attorney sent my mother a letter stating that she was to cease visits to her biological father or we would seek to have her grandparents rights terminated.  Less than 2 months later, my daughter was gone.  

I am a good mother and I love my children.  Raising a teenager is not easy, as I am finding out.  I do not hit my children, nor do I use the belt, but in this case I do admit to pulling my daughters hair, but only after she looked me in the eye and in front of my younger children, proceeded to call me a mother f-ing b--ch of a mother.  She has done this in the past, but never in front of my children or to my face.  What kind of example does this set for her siblings?  I also have submitted several letters of my character in my defense and can provide testimony from such individuals and others if needed.   

In closing I would like to state that when this all began, my husband, my uncle and I were told by DCFS caseworker that the allegations would be unfounded.  I was also told by DCFS in an interview at my home, that “people” in his office had heard that my daughter and I had never had a good relationship.  I suspect that those statements were a big influence in the decision that was made.  I thought that the decisions were based on the facts and not hearsay or an individual’s opinion of someone. I also do not understand how the department can “ADD” an allegation, just because they had no evidence to prove the initial claims. The only people that you will find to state that I am a bad parent would be my mother, sisters and a 14 year old who doesn’t like rules. DCFS never took the time to speak to other family members, school teachers or others on my behalf. I am sure that he is a very educated individual, but I feel that he was looking at the situation from a “teens” point of view and not a parenting one.  DCFS was at all times very polite and professional, though the statement regarding his co-workers and there opinions I found disturbing and influential. I have recently found out that  a caseworker, in the DCFS Office is REALLY good friends with my sister and brother in law who my daughter currently is staying.  She has advised them on many matters having to do with this case.  Now I see how the DCFS system works.  I requested a copy of the complaints some time ago and I have yet to receive them from the  office.