Replies to 'Getting Along With Your In-Laws'
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July 24, 2005, 7:22 pm PDT
 Hey everybody, I've been with my partner since i was 16, i'm now 23 and we share a 20 month old son together. My future inlaws, although live in the u.s.a and we are currently in Australia, are very controlling. I have never felt comfortable around them and they have always disaproved of me. They are very well off people, and their life revollves around spending money. They fund my 24 year old partners education and because of this they hold it over his head, and he das to do everything they say or they threaten to cut it off and he still has 2.5 years left to go. On a recent trip to see them i put in 100 percent effort to get along wtih them, and on day 5 they totally cracked up because they felt i was disrespectfull for spending the nights with my father and not them. I am a compromising person and i despretly wanted to get along with them but telling me i'm disrespecful for going to my dads at night because he works all day and only gets home late at night, and i he wanted to see his grandchild, and i wanted to see him. This is not a compromise, it doesn't matter that i spend from 8am to 7pm with them, they always expect more. They then started to use my partners education against ME!! Saying that i will benefit from his education and that i owe them! this is all in a nut shell of course, so many things have been said aobut me, and i spend nearly every day crying on this holiday becuase they refuse to just be adults and get along. THen i get stuck in the middle becuase my partners wants us to all get along and he expects me to break my back for them just so everybody will be happy, but i'm not wiling to do that when it invovles me sacrifising time with my dad, whom i only see every few years. I was only letting them see my son, because only two months ago they decideed to ackowlege him, before that they didn't accept my child, and never spoke about him. NOw they expect me to be greatful that they have decided to play some interest in him. Gosh i could wrote a novel over all this. This is all in a nut shell of course, there is soo much more between the lines. Thanks for letting me get it all out, would love to hear about other inlaw problems. Fiona I could write the book on controlling inlaws. I, too, have been dealing with this situation for a long time- about 20 years actually. It started from when I first met my hubby and went from bad to worse to flat out impossible.
Not to make light of this difficult situation, but your one consolation is that they are not living close to you. Mine are in the same town and have even stalked my honey and I in the past. (Long story involving a camping trip, a tent and an unplanned visit on their part! UGGGGHHH!) Anyway, I have often wondered if we should just leave town, but then we would be leaving behind all our other family and friends.
But as to these constant threats about cutting off the tuition money, what if they do? Again, I am not being flip. Consider what this would mean. Is there some way you could pull this off without their financial assistance? Yes, it would mean sacrifices, but what young family isn't struggling to make ends meet in one way or another? Of course having your little one would make you more cautious in this regard, but you also have to think about your own self-esteem and what your values are. To me, my own self worth is more valuable than money and I would turn down a whole bunch of it if having the dollars compromised that. Money can't buy happiness, love or companionship.
Also, though, and I know this may earn me a lot of angry replies but I still say this, it is a parent's financial obligation to educate their child. Period. And I only say this in the case where the parents are able to do so, not if it would mean financial hardship of course, but you say the inlaws are well-heeled money wise. In this day and age an education isn't a luxury, it's a necessity. How dare his parents hold this over his head in this manner? To me that isn't love. That's trying to hold your grown children emotional hostages while you run their lives, which is totally inappropriate. Not to mention that they are putting a huge wedge between the two of you. It's that old "divide and conquer" strategy, I believe.
Let me qualify this though- if your partner was skipping off all his classes, earning D's or majoring in the party lifestyle and just plain bombing out, I would say his folks are justified in threatening to cut him off. But if he is being responsible and not taking their financial support for granted, then their attitude seems untoward. Perhaps they are a really enmeshed family and your partner "escaped" to Down Under for just that reason???
About the inlaws lack of acceptance- it is not their place to accept you or not. Their son CHOSE YOU for his partner. They either accept that, or they do not have a place in your lives. Your husband needs to have this understood and should no matter what the consequences. I am not saying to be right at all costs, but I just feel that as Dr. Phil is always reminding us on his shows, it is a partner's responsibility to make sure that their family treats the partner with respect. They may not be close friends, but they do have to be civil. Your hubby can do this in small ways that do not necessarily rock the boat or he can just flat out confront them with it and hope for the best.
Either way, this will continue to be an issue between the two of you and your child will be dragged into it as well- kids can always sense tension in the household, make no mistake. I wish my husband had dealt with it at an earlier stage instead of taking the ignoring it approach. This has now resulted in a total split with the family, with almost no one on his side remaining neutral. Finally, after a few years, he and the kids are able to visit occasionally with his kin, but the relationship will never be what it was.
So Fiona, really search your heart and make sure you tell your honey all you are feeling. Both of you have to make a decision about what is best to do and it shouldn't be based on his fear of his controlling parents. You are grown-ups with your own family unit now and cannot successfully live your lives on someone else's terms. Sooner or later, the piper must be paid. It's up to you when.
Good luck. SB |
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July 26, 2005, 6:49 pm PDT
Quote From: freyler Hey everybody, I've been with my partner since i was 16, i'm now 23 and we share a 20 month old son together. My future inlaws, although live in the u.s.a and we are currently in Australia, are very controlling. I have never felt comfortable around them and they have always disaproved of me. They are very well off people, and their life revollves around spending money. They fund my 24 year old partners education and because of this they hold it over his head, and he das to do everything they say or they threaten to cut it off and he still has 2.5 years left to go. On a recent trip to see them i put in 100 percent effort to get along wtih them, and on day 5 they totally cracked up because they felt i was disrespectfull for spending the nights with my father and not them. I am a compromising person and i despretly wanted to get along with them but telling me i'm disrespecful for going to my dads at night because he works all day and only gets home late at night, and i he wanted to see his grandchild, and i wanted to see him. This is not a compromise, it doesn't matter that i spend from 8am to 7pm with them, they always expect more. They then started to use my partners education against ME!! Saying that i will benefit from his education and that i owe them! this is all in a nut shell of course, so many things have been said aobut me, and i spend nearly every day crying on this holiday becuase they refuse to just be adults and get along. THen i get stuck in the middle becuase my partners wants us to all get along and he expects me to break my back for them just so everybody will be happy, but i'm not wiling to do that when it invovles me sacrifising time with my dad, whom i only see every few years. I was only letting them see my son, because only two months ago they decideed to ackowlege him, before that they didn't accept my child, and never spoke about him. NOw they expect me to be greatful that they have decided to play some interest in him. Gosh i could wrote a novel over all this. This is all in a nut shell of course, there is soo much more between the lines. Thanks for letting me get it all out, would love to hear about other inlaw problems. Fiona Dear Sb, Thankyou for your support, i suspect many people in this world are suffering from the same emotions when having to confront the inlaws. I think some people will think that you can just ignore them and the problem will go away but i beleive this is not the case. Yes i am advantaged (somedays i actully thank the lord for the distance) by living in a different country, but even so they make a huge impact on our lives, cause many disruptions, tension and arguments between my partner and myself. However, this is only temporarily, when my partner has graduated in 2.5 years we have the option to move back to his home country. He misses his siblings and is very close to them. The two older sister have cut their parents out of their lives becuase of similar problems, something they never wanted to do, but had no choice, i know it upsets them greatly. But i'm sure it can only be a complete disaster my moving there, but how could i keep my partner from his siblings? I can't help but feel in the middle, they brainwash my partner into think ridiculious things, something my partner said the other day i feel was actully from his parents but i can't be sure. He said, if i really loved him then i would keep trying becuase it means so much to him. But how much can one person try? They don't seem to beleive in meeting half way or compromising, and they always thing they are RIGHT. I know they have very bad communication, and my partner doesn't communicate well either,over the years of being with him i've tried to help him to communicate better but when he is with his parents this all goes down the drain. When we do not have any involvment or input from his parents we get along very well. When we get a phone call, or they ask him to do something, or say something about me, then we start fighting. Can you throw a relationship away with a child invovled becuase of the inlaws?? That seems like such a huge thing to do, but it's definently crossed my mind.
Thankyou for your understanding and reply, it's great to let it all blurt out and have sombody listen. Fiona |
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July 27, 2005, 8:45 am PDT
Quote From: freyler Hey everybody, I've been with my partner since i was 16, i'm now 23 and we share a 20 month old son together. My future inlaws, although live in the u.s.a and we are currently in Australia, are very controlling. I have never felt comfortable around them and they have always disaproved of me. They are very well off people, and their life revollves around spending money. They fund my 24 year old partners education and because of this they hold it over his head, and he das to do everything they say or they threaten to cut it off and he still has 2.5 years left to go. On a recent trip to see them i put in 100 percent effort to get along wtih them, and on day 5 they totally cracked up because they felt i was disrespectfull for spending the nights with my father and not them. I am a compromising person and i despretly wanted to get along with them but telling me i'm disrespecful for going to my dads at night because he works all day and only gets home late at night, and i he wanted to see his grandchild, and i wanted to see him. This is not a compromise, it doesn't matter that i spend from 8am to 7pm with them, they always expect more. They then started to use my partners education against ME!! Saying that i will benefit from his education and that i owe them! this is all in a nut shell of course, so many things have been said aobut me, and i spend nearly every day crying on this holiday becuase they refuse to just be adults and get along. THen i get stuck in the middle becuase my partners wants us to all get along and he expects me to break my back for them just so everybody will be happy, but i'm not wiling to do that when it invovles me sacrifising time with my dad, whom i only see every few years. I was only letting them see my son, because only two months ago they decideed to ackowlege him, before that they didn't accept my child, and never spoke about him. NOw they expect me to be greatful that they have decided to play some interest in him. Gosh i could wrote a novel over all this. This is all in a nut shell of course, there is soo much more between the lines. Thanks for letting me get it all out, would love to hear about other inlaw problems. Fiona This must be so frustrating for you!! I agree with you that ignoring the problem does not make it go away or make it better. You will never be able to change their actions or reactions, so the only thing left for you to do is change YOUR reactions... What did you do when his parents were saying to you that they thought it was disrespectful of you to go visit your father? Whatever your reaction was, think about it, analyze it, and ask yourself if you could have done something different. These are people who think that they are always right, so no matter what you do, it won't be the right thing; therefore, you really have to have confidence that what your reaction is, or what you say or do, is the right thing. What would be best is if you could say back to them, in a clear, even, and non-defensive tone of voice, that you think family is important- meaning ALL family, that includes your father, and you can't give up a visit to him, and perhaps you can throw in a "sorry you feel that way" to them, and let them know that they are not going to keep you from your father. You were NOT disrespectful by visiting your dad, please know this. You are up against a pair of beasts!! One more piece of advice: get the book, "toxic in-laws" by Susan Forward..you wont regret it! It changed my life. Good luck. |
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May 23, 2007, 4:06 pm PDT
Quote From: freyler Hey everybody, I've been with my partner since i was 16, i'm now 23 and we share a 20 month old son together. My future inlaws, although live in the u.s.a and we are currently in Australia, are very controlling. I have never felt comfortable around them and they have always disaproved of me. They are very well off people, and their life revollves around spending money. They fund my 24 year old partners education and because of this they hold it over his head, and he das to do everything they say or they threaten to cut it off and he still has 2.5 years left to go. On a recent trip to see them i put in 100 percent effort to get along wtih them, and on day 5 they totally cracked up because they felt i was disrespectfull for spending the nights with my father and not them. I am a compromising person and i despretly wanted to get along with them but telling me i'm disrespecful for going to my dads at night because he works all day and only gets home late at night, and i he wanted to see his grandchild, and i wanted to see him. This is not a compromise, it doesn't matter that i spend from 8am to 7pm with them, they always expect more. They then started to use my partners education against ME!! Saying that i will benefit from his education and that i owe them! this is all in a nut shell of course, so many things have been said aobut me, and i spend nearly every day crying on this holiday becuase they refuse to just be adults and get along. THen i get stuck in the middle becuase my partners wants us to all get along and he expects me to break my back for them just so everybody will be happy, but i'm not wiling to do that when it invovles me sacrifising time with my dad, whom i only see every few years. I was only letting them see my son, because only two months ago they decideed to ackowlege him, before that they didn't accept my child, and never spoke about him. NOw they expect me to be greatful that they have decided to play some interest in him. Gosh i could wrote a novel over all this. This is all in a nut shell of course, there is soo much more between the lines. Thanks for letting me get it all out, would love to hear about other inlaw problems. Fiona My husbands mother is the same way.But the only difference is nothing is her fault it's always someone else.All my husband wants is for everyone to get along.but it's hard to get along with someone thats always comparing you to an exgirlfreind or belittling you in front of your child.She is well to do but if we need a lillte help my husband has to beg and then she hold it over your head.Shes also told my four year old that her other grandparent dont love her.Shes told my daugther several times she was here her mother.I dont want this person around my child because she also has mental problems and she uses that as for the reason she does this but ifshe didnt drink with her meds maybe she could get help when she watched my daughter i found out from her that nanny was going in the garage to get her juice which was her wine but she told my daugther it was juice. She always says she demands respect but that to me is earned. |
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July 12, 2007, 7:49 pm PDT
Quote From: freyler Hey everybody, I've been with my partner since i was 16, i'm now 23 and we share a 20 month old son together. My future inlaws, although live in the u.s.a and we are currently in Australia, are very controlling. I have never felt comfortable around them and they have always disaproved of me. They are very well off people, and their life revollves around spending money. They fund my 24 year old partners education and because of this they hold it over his head, and he das to do everything they say or they threaten to cut it off and he still has 2.5 years left to go. On a recent trip to see them i put in 100 percent effort to get along wtih them, and on day 5 they totally cracked up because they felt i was disrespectfull for spending the nights with my father and not them. I am a compromising person and i despretly wanted to get along with them but telling me i'm disrespecful for going to my dads at night because he works all day and only gets home late at night, and i he wanted to see his grandchild, and i wanted to see him. This is not a compromise, it doesn't matter that i spend from 8am to 7pm with them, they always expect more. They then started to use my partners education against ME!! Saying that i will benefit from his education and that i owe them! this is all in a nut shell of course, so many things have been said aobut me, and i spend nearly every day crying on this holiday becuase they refuse to just be adults and get along. THen i get stuck in the middle becuase my partners wants us to all get along and he expects me to break my back for them just so everybody will be happy, but i'm not wiling to do that when it invovles me sacrifising time with my dad, whom i only see every few years. I was only letting them see my son, because only two months ago they decideed to ackowlege him, before that they didn't accept my child, and never spoke about him. NOw they expect me to be greatful that they have decided to play some interest in him. Gosh i could wrote a novel over all this. This is all in a nut shell of course, there is soo much more between the lines. Thanks for letting me get it all out, would love to hear about other inlaw problems. Fiona Dear Fiona. I have spent 13 years trying to get the future in-laws to accept me and our daughter. She is their only granddaughter and they treat her as if she doesn't exit. I feel your pain. Also, the family problems have kept me from actually getting married. Anytime I try to spend the holidays with my family, Curt's family yells at him that they don't see us enough and that it's all MY fault. When our daughter was little, I would go visit them and they would ignore me and our daughter. There were always insults and I could expect a huge fight with Curt on the way home. Also, they would constantly bring up Curt's former girlfriend, Monaca, who is a nurse. Curt's mom and dad would say things like.." Monaca said that it is not natural for you to breastfeed (our daughters name)." I could tell that they had hopes of their son marrying her instead of me. I felt so uncomfortable going to visit either Curt's dad and his new wife or Curt's mom and her new husband so I just stopped completely. I figure they can come see their granddaughter anytime and for the past 3 years I haven't seen them once. Unfortunately, I don't live as far away as you do. The mother-in-law is 20 miles away. The father-in-law is 65 miles away. Both have $ and let you know that your beneath them every chance they get. Our daughter is at an age where she sees the problems and has been hurt that they wouldn't attend any of her school , religious, and extra curricular activities. She is a straight A student, but they don't even acknowledge that either. It has been VERY HARD for me to accept this situation because I grew up spending every weekend with my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. I have a lot of great memories from those times spent with my relatives. The Sunday get- together is no more and our daughter hardly knows her grandparents and other relatives. I asked a priest once...what else can I do? His advice was to stop trying to please them and pray for them. Anet |
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August 3, 2008, 12:10 pm PDT
Quote From: freyler Hey everybody, I've been with my partner since i was 16, i'm now 23 and we share a 20 month old son together. My future inlaws, although live in the u.s.a and we are currently in Australia, are very controlling. I have never felt comfortable around them and they have always disaproved of me. They are very well off people, and their life revollves around spending money. They fund my 24 year old partners education and because of this they hold it over his head, and he das to do everything they say or they threaten to cut it off and he still has 2.5 years left to go. On a recent trip to see them i put in 100 percent effort to get along wtih them, and on day 5 they totally cracked up because they felt i was disrespectfull for spending the nights with my father and not them. I am a compromising person and i despretly wanted to get along with them but telling me i'm disrespecful for going to my dads at night because he works all day and only gets home late at night, and i he wanted to see his grandchild, and i wanted to see him. This is not a compromise, it doesn't matter that i spend from 8am to 7pm with them, they always expect more. They then started to use my partners education against ME!! Saying that i will benefit from his education and that i owe them! this is all in a nut shell of course, so many things have been said aobut me, and i spend nearly every day crying on this holiday becuase they refuse to just be adults and get along. THen i get stuck in the middle becuase my partners wants us to all get along and he expects me to break my back for them just so everybody will be happy, but i'm not wiling to do that when it invovles me sacrifising time with my dad, whom i only see every few years. I was only letting them see my son, because only two months ago they decideed to ackowlege him, before that they didn't accept my child, and never spoke about him. NOw they expect me to be greatful that they have decided to play some interest in him. Gosh i could wrote a novel over all this. This is all in a nut shell of course, there is soo much more between the lines. Thanks for letting me get it all out, would love to hear about other inlaw problems. Fiona My first husband's mother thought she was a witch and could cast spells. His father was mellow but ridgid individual who just dealt with whatever came along. I have seen many "guilt trips" put on people and here is how you deal with it. In the case of the financial help for education. It is a gift (unless they said it was a loan). Write them a thank you note. Explain that you will be visiting both families equally because you love them both. Then if they pull out the "guilt trip," rephrase the statement. So, are you saying that because you are helping John/Jane with tuition that we owe you ALL of our time? (Wait for an answer). Then say, we appreciate your help, but we love you all both regardless of the financial contribution. Our visits are about love and respect. A true gift does not imply obligation. My father's mother, the dowager, wanted us for dinner EVERY Sunday. My mother cut the trips to everyother Sunday so that our family had it's own independence and traditions. Some people are master's of the guilt trip. My husband and I are on the same frequency. My mother (89) lives with us. I will not let her make his life miserable or talk him into doing things that are unreasonable. Even at 89 she has some chores here and some things to do. Sometimes she does the guilt trip on me, but she taught me too well! Be polite, be firm, be calm assertive. Then make your plans. (the person to set the limits with your in-laws should be your spouse.) |
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August 9, 2008, 10:31 am PDT
Quote From: freyler Hey everybody, I've been with my partner since i was 16, i'm now 23 and we share a 20 month old son together. My future inlaws, although live in the u.s.a and we are currently in Australia, are very controlling. I have never felt comfortable around them and they have always disaproved of me. They are very well off people, and their life revollves around spending money. They fund my 24 year old partners education and because of this they hold it over his head, and he das to do everything they say or they threaten to cut it off and he still has 2.5 years left to go. On a recent trip to see them i put in 100 percent effort to get along wtih them, and on day 5 they totally cracked up because they felt i was disrespectfull for spending the nights with my father and not them. I am a compromising person and i despretly wanted to get along with them but telling me i'm disrespecful for going to my dads at night because he works all day and only gets home late at night, and i he wanted to see his grandchild, and i wanted to see him. This is not a compromise, it doesn't matter that i spend from 8am to 7pm with them, they always expect more. They then started to use my partners education against ME!! Saying that i will benefit from his education and that i owe them! this is all in a nut shell of course, so many things have been said aobut me, and i spend nearly every day crying on this holiday becuase they refuse to just be adults and get along. THen i get stuck in the middle becuase my partners wants us to all get along and he expects me to break my back for them just so everybody will be happy, but i'm not wiling to do that when it invovles me sacrifising time with my dad, whom i only see every few years. I was only letting them see my son, because only two months ago they decideed to ackowlege him, before that they didn't accept my child, and never spoke about him. NOw they expect me to be greatful that they have decided to play some interest in him. Gosh i could wrote a novel over all this. This is all in a nut shell of course, there is soo much more between the lines. Thanks for letting me get it all out, would love to hear about other inlaw problems. Fiona Fiona, I'm writing to give you a different perspective and support you 100%. My parents are the most controlling people under the sun. They use money to create a world of entitlement for my brothers and me. They criticize our spouses behind their backs and every family event is a "command performance". I had no idea how sick and twisted my family was (we look so happy and content on the outside, per my mom's insistance) until I got engaged in 2005. I was the first of my siblings to get engaged, and my mom literally told us how our wedding was going to be, what we were supposed to do, and she didn't care what we had to say about it (she would say "my wedding was my mother's and your wedding is mine"). At the time I was 27 and he was 34. Things got so bad that they insulted my husband to his face, making fun of the fact that he wanted a small ceremony ("if he really loved you, he wouldn't have a problem saying his vows in front of hundreds of people") and demanding that one of his relatives host a party on the wedding weekend since "their friends had already done so much". We didn't have a ton of money, but we weren't poor, and I knew I had to stand up for him or we were through. After 2 months of crying and screaming on the phone with her, I canceled the wedding about 6 months out and we booked a catamaran in St Thomas instead. We paid for most of it ourselves and in the end my father did pick up a portion of the bill (and to this day he thinks he paid for everything).
Since that day, I have had to realize that my parents (who live 1 hr away) were not a healthy part of our lives and we had to keep our distance. That means not allowing them to pay for ANYTHING. It has always been their sick way of controlling my brothers and me, and I had to make an individual decision for it to stop. My brothers still "drink the kool-aid" as we say in my house, meaning they take money, gifts, expensive trips from my parents in return for showing up whereever they are supposed to be and doing what they are told. Sadly, they are 31 and 26, far too old to be doing this. They are both newlyweds and it is just starting to effect their relationships, whereas my husband and I are on nearly 3 yrs of this.
Unfortunately, there is anther issue that fuels the fire in my family and that is my mother's alcohol abuse. She has been a functional alcoholic my entire life, and now my younger brother lives the same life. Just this week, my husband and I have had to make a decision to cut my family out of our lives because they create problems with us to distract from my brother's drunk driving accidents or my mom's arguements with people when she's been "over-served". I have been the surrogate mother in my family since I can remember because my mother has the maturity level of an 18 yr old, and the family will freak out when they realize that this most recent incident (I'll spare you the details) where she has gone after my husband - who had nothing to do with a situation - is the last straw and we are disconnecting contact with them until she decides to be sober, which may never happen.
My best advice to anyone reading this that experiences anything like this is to find a therapist -- and by this I mean a REAL doctor, these types of situations are too advanced for a counselor, I've tried -- and let that person be your beacon to navigate the nearly -impossible task of breaking ties to save your marraige. I may sound strong in this email - or I may not :) - but what I'm going through is SO HARD and I would give anything for a magic wand to change the situation but I know that my doctor is the best "magic wand" I've got to create positive change.
To close, my favorite saying that my doctor says to me is "the truth is liberating" and it is so true. Stop playing games with your twisted in-laws and demand that your spouse recognize what is going on and put your first. And get a doctor to work with you, it will change everything for the better.
Katie |
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