Replies to 'How I Got Help'

Holy G-d you DID read my journal! That is so cool, I thought maybe no one read them and I was the only one who did. But hey I wasn't talking to myself! Wow: I think G-d meant for us to meet...Yay...Yeah the needle thing, I used a lot of heroin, but it was only to make the coke last longer; it was a long time ago I guess. I'm clean now largely because I stopped when my partner had a baby, which is good since I ended up taking care of her and it seems that would be even harder to do if I was strung out. I did/do cut myself, also, though. Have you ever done that? My favorite metaphor to explain part of why I do that is from Dante's "Inferno". There's this part of Hell he invented where the people who have killed themselves all go (I don't believe suicides go to hell but that's another story), and for eternity the people there are souls transformed into trees. You can tell Dante hated them b'c they're the only ones to not get their bodies back on judgement day: they go up with everyone else to stand before G-d and get their bodies, but they are stuck as trees forever, and their bodies just hang from the branches. Long tanget. Anyway, the point is that Dante tries to talk to the trees to find out why they're like this & they can't answer: they're completely mute. But when an animal runs by and breaks a branch, the tree is suddenly able to speak (the logic is that since they hurt themselves in life only by being hurt can they speak). But I like to use the metaphor to mean that there is some pain deep in you that people who cut themselves can't voice, so they hurt themselves, and the blood/bruises/burn-marks speak the torment that you yourself cannot find the words to tell. And that's why it feels like a relief sometimes, and I know I feel better when I do it, b/c it releases something trapped inside me. The trick is learning to find another language to speak in that doesn't result in scarring, I think.