Replies to 'Spanking: Useful or Cruel?'

My views on spanking were formed at the hand of my mother. 

She was a wonderful woman who was one of 13 children and I suspect corporal punishment was meted out freely in their home. My mom hit us a lot. She called them spankings but they were violent slaps across the face and often had no relation to our actions. Many times, we could tell when things weren't going well for her because of the severity and lack of reason for her lashing out. I was the most frequent target because I had the best relationship with my dad and (from the distance and perspective of an adult) I think she was jealous of that. 

My mom was a good and loving person. She was generous to a fault. She hit because she wasn't given any other tools to deal with problems. 

My dad was blessed with 4 daughters and he claimed that the only reason he didn't spank us was because we were girls but I suspect he would never have spanked a son either. We all respected him immensely and his disapproval did more to keep us in line than my mom's beatings. 

As a child, I HATED HER each time she hit me. The beatings never had the effect of making me sorry for my actions or reflective. I just hated her. I took years to get over that but happily, I did so before I lost her. 

As a parent, I'm lucky to have married someone who shares my hatred of corporal punishment. We parent with love and humour and both our boys have grown into amazing young men (13 & 18) who are well behaved and kind. We began parenting them when they were born. Bedtimes were strict but, by using family rituals and consistency, we never had a problem with the boys obeying. We've also always been insistent on their letting us know where they are when they're out and both obey that rule to the letter. 

If one of us is unfair or hurtful to another, we aplologize. My boys are free to let us know if they think we're being unfair and we're free to tell them when they are being unfair. My own childhood didn't include many (any) apologies unless you count my being forced to say sorry for something I felt uwrongly punished for.  

I have to say that not spanking made me a more thoughtful and better prepared parent. Parenting through fear and intimidation is easier than parenting with calm reasoning and loving firmness. A beaten and cowed child does whatever they're told until they're old enough to hit back in some way. 

Friends and family always comment on the close relationship my 18 year old has with my husband and I and with his little brother. I'm often told I'm lucky that my boys never went through a rebellious stage. My sis-in-law who has very different parenting views than my husband and I have seems to wait gleefully for the day my boys rebel but as time goes on, she is disappointed.  

Her own children are fearful but even with the fear, they talk back more than my guys do and they are always fighting with each other, lashing out amongst themselves after their parents have lashed out against them. I remember this same phenomenon with my own sisters in our childhood. We were separated from each other by our anger and the walls we put up against the unfairness and inequity of our punishments. I'm blessed that all of us were able to mend our relationships and have great friendships with each other now but I'm convinced that a lot of the healing came from losing our parents and having to face the fact that they were only human and may have made mistakes.