Quote From: citrisgalWhile I staunchly beleive that some behaviours, become "habit", it is also my humble opinion that in most cases they do so by "choice" whether we realize it or not.
I happen to have a tendency to bite my nails, which is a horrible habit and looks just as bad. I probably could stop, I've done it before, but I suppose I just don't try "hard" enough. Lets face it, we all curb certain habits or bad behaviours in public because we know them to be rude or socially unacceptable, and only seem to continue with those that society (and/or our families) have learned to accept.
It is for this reason that I find it difficult to CONTINUE to show compassion for those who persist on perpetuating detrimental and questionable behaviours.
This in fact has been a HUGE issue in our family where my in-laws are concerned. Hard-working people of more than modest means they have been limited in certain aspects of life, etiquette, and experiences. Trying to embrace them as part of my family, I have tried to BEFRIEND them and including them (much like I do my own family) in certain memorable (and cost-effective) experiences.
My in-laws have VERY LITTLE fashion sense or savvy (always wore hand me downs) so, I've taken the liberty to ask them (at least MIL) to go shopping with me and revamp (both) our looks, have paid for upgrading her curtains, bedspread, etc. Have given her gift certificates to salons and spas (upon HER making mention of being envious of never having had the experience). I've even offered to "teach" her about certain recipes, to organize her closet, decorate her home, whatever would help her boost her self esteem, confidence etc. The answer is ALWAYS the same. That's okay, you don't have to (but I "want" to), but she insist that (at 67) she is too old to care for how she looks, how her home looks, or what she cooks for just her and her spouse, plus, it's too much work for too short of a period of time (such as decorating for the holidays, or dressing up just for dinner), and her kids love her regardless. THEN, just the other day she called "lamenting" that my husband and I spent or enjoyed spending more time with my family because my family went "all out" for the holidays (decoration, music and food wise...all home prepared) and because (according to MIL) my mother was a better cook. When DH suggested she could do it if she tried, even if she catered and simply concentrated on making the home look and feel warm and cozy, she DISMISSED him by saying it would be too much work, she would have to fuss too much, etc., etc., etc. People like this feel sorry for themselves and I believe want others to feel sorry for themselves. It's not that they CAN'T change it's that they DON'T WANT TO and WON'T because they feel others give them sympathy and fail to realize that others are actually annoyed with them and often critcising them behind their back, and it has nothing to do with sympathy or pity, but rather with how ingratiating they are and tend to be.
I hope that you don't judge your in laws because of apperances or styles. And I hope that you don't choose where you go on Christmas because of decorations and food. Christmas and all year long should be about loving our family and friends and supporting the decisions they make. I think that your in laws should be loved and accepted the way they are and they should not be constantly reminded that you want them to be someone else.
