Replies to 'Repairing Broken Relationships'

Teenagers are sometimes difficult to understand. I have a 15 y/o and my husband is her step-father. I will agree that my daughter is spoiled as well. She and my husband dont have much to say to each other as well, unless I am around. They do get along but I know she feels uncomfortable around him when it is the two of them together. She trust him and vice versa but it is kinda strange to them when they are alone with their step-parent. My husband just bought my daughter a 1998 mustang because she will soon be 16 this weekend. He does alot for my daughter and she respects that, but now a days, teens have their own things to do. It isnt that she doesnt like him, she is just more comfortable talking to her friends than him. He thinks that she doesnt like him but she does. She just has a hard time showing it to him. (I havent figured that out yet). You can build a relationship with your step daughter by trying to get involved in her life. Maybe take her shopping together (you and her), listen to her kind of music (even though it hurts your ears),  Joke around with her, or even help her with homework. My husband is doing these things with my daughter and they are getting along fine, sometimes they have quarrels (like kids)  but they work it out and she has to understand he is the parent figure, not just a friend figure. Sometimes she thinks she doesnt have to listen to him because he is not her real dad, and that is where I step in and let her know that he is the adult, and she is the child, and she has to do what he says also. He is not trying to replace her real dad, but he is still the father figure here at our home. Try to communicate with your step-daughter when her mom is not at home like ask her how her day was, or something. Get to know her for who she is. They will never be what we want them to be, they are individuals like us, and all we can do is set good examples for them. Start conversation and talk to her. Act silly with her. My husband does and he listens to her music and dances around and cuts up. It really breaks the ice. Good luck!

I agree with the other poster's advice, it was right on. It sounds like you want to have a better relationship, but you just don't know how to go about it. This is a difficult age...it isn't easy to establish a loving relationship with a teen, but it is possible. Be prepared to be the one who does most of the work to establish the kind of relationship that you want, though..I know that isn't what anyone wants to hear, but when dealing with a teen, its true. I have a 14 year old daughter, my husband is her step father, but he has been her step father since she was very young, so their relationship is solid, they have bonded, but he still has to work very hard to get her to allow him in her life. I think that it would be the same way even if he was her biological father, honestly. He doesn't understand her emotions at times, and he doesn't know what to say, so there are times when he doesn't say anything because he is afraid of saying the wrong thing. But when things settle down, he will approach her and tell her that he wants to be supportive, and he asks her what does she think he can do to be helpful to her? The answer is always "nothing.." but for him to ask her that means alot to her. Take your time, this doesn't happen over night, just do little things like ask her how her day was, or question her about her tastes, her music, stuff that she likes. Good luck:)

Johnster, step-parenting is simply tough. I am blessed (to have been a step child, a step mother, and now deal with my daughter and her step father) in that I have so many points of view that others have not seen or experienced.  What comes up first for me is to thank you for not only being a step parent, but to have sought out help as so many would not bother.   

  

The responses I have read are wonderful. Don't give up and keep trying to let her know it's ok for you two to be friendly.  If you two really do not like each other, I wonder if lightly approaching the subject, "Let's agree we don't like each other right now, but let's keep it light and ease the tension?" would help.  Make sure you include a grin in that conversation... 

  

Keep in mind that if you had a step son, you would be facing different issues. My daughter can be more comfortable at her father's house where she naturally hugs her dad and easily hug her step mother than she can hug her step father here at our house. Many issues get in the way for most daughters to be naturally demonstrative with step fathers, from the fear of any misunderstandings (sexual abuse runs rampant in the news) to feeling disloyal to their real father if the company of a step father is truly enjoyed.  

  

Beware of your expectations, too. They are YOUR expectations. My daughter is also 'spoiled' much to my new partner's dislike, but he has learned it is best to address issues quietly to me, or not at all. We have all learned to do the best we can, and keep working to make all our relationships better, instead of throwing in the towel.  

  

Hope this helped. Wishing you luck, understanding, patience and endurance.