Replies to 'Addiction Support'

First, I'm sorry you had to write that all over again!  This board, quite frankly, has become totally dysfunctional and that is too bad, because at one time there was some good discussion going on.  I'm about to give up myself. 

I think it's great that you want to be involved in this girl's life, but please proceed with caution.  For example, you say she's welcome "any time" and she knows this.  What if her mom's boyfriend yells at her one night and she goes out and gets high?  Will she be "welcome" in your home at 3 AM stoned and yelling?  Would your daughter be?  Do you have other kids and would you want them exposed to this?  As well intentioned as you are, it could end up hurting her more with trust issues if she feels like you opened your home to her and then shut the door. 

One of the biggest problems is that, with addicts, you never know how much of what they say is true.  I remember my days getting drunk and high and, believe me, lying became so integral to my existence that I'd lie about what I'd had for dinner!  By the time I got into rehab, I wouldn't have known a true statement if it had jumped up and bitten me! 

So that's my first piece of advice.  Don't believe anything she says unless you've confirmed it yourself.  Are you sure her mom is dying of cancer?  Are you sure her mom's boyfriend is a jerk to her? 

The reason I think this is important is that, as an outside adult, it might be most productive for you to help her figure out a more stable living environment.  Staying with a friend doesn't count - she needs a responsible adult in her life who will love and nuture her, but will also set boundaries and be legally responsible as her guardian to see that she gets the help she needs.  Assuming you don't want to be this person yourself, the best practical help you can provide would be to find a home (ie, security) for her. 

Obviously, if her mom is really dying, a blood relative would be best.  Are there any other options?  An aunt, her bio dad....anyone???  Can you talk to her mother?  I know this might violate some confidentialities, but remember...this is a minor in a very desperate situation.   Dying or not, her mom is in a position to get this girl into some treatment - why hasn't she done so?  Is it financial?  Has her mom made any provisions for her care after she dies?   

It's hard to be more specific without knowing more about the situation, but as you guessed correctly, you are not going to be able to handle this, you'll make yourself nuts trying, and if she doesn't get help, I can promise it will get worse....much worse.  So maybe the best service you can provide is to do everything you can to get her in the care of a stable adult, even if it means leaving her current home. 

Another option is to talk to a school guidance counselor -- with or without the girl -- and ask about options.   Don't become a party to "hiding" anything, even if your daughter gets mad at you.  This is a child who needs help, and you need "help" figuring out how to get her in the right hands -- and those aren't  yours right now. 

I hope this made sense!