Replies to '01/05 "Am I Cursed?"'

Quote From: josiemarie

I too suffered emotional abuse and physical abuse from my mom.  I made it my life's goal to learn how to help others get past  this and went to school to be a therapist.  One of the most powerful things one of my professors said to me is "You let your mom ruin the first 20 years of your life, are you going to let her ruin the next 20?"  I have studied many theories of personality and the combination of spirituality coupled with cognitive-behavioral techniques with a little bit of Rogerian unconditional positive regard has served me and my patients best.  For example, when you have an overly controlling mother you tend to become perfectionistic trying to win her love and approval as a child, thus you believe if you just did the right thing she would love you.  The problem with that is you become a people pleaser and you lose yourself in the process till the real you splinters off and you look in the mirror and you don't know who you are, what you like etc.  We say that your mom gave you the message of conditional love that if you do the right thing she will love you.  What you need to learn is that if conditional love got you there, it is unconditional love that heals you but you don't get it from other people.  If you try to get it from other people and they have a bad day you are at their mercy and not in control.  Yout get unconditonal love from yourself.  You learn how to pat yourself on the back when you do something good, not depend on others to notice or praise you.  Spirituality has this same concept called Agape love or the idea that I love you no matter what you do, I might not like what you do, but I will always love you.  Learning to be your own best friend and love yourself is not easy.  It takes a lot of unlearning.  That's where the cognitive approach works (or as Dr. Phil refers to it as negative self-talk.)  Anyhow that is a brief synopsis of how to heal.  Use everything and cover all your bases, medicine, exercise, surround yourself with positive people, therapy if needed, self-help books, and the icing on the cake is the spirituality put back in.  Good luck and God bless you.