Replies to '03/23 Nasty Custody Battles'
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January 8, 2006, 10:25 am PST
 Quote From: abbiedeen My husband's ex wife is so bitter toward my husband for leaving her -- and subsequently marrying me -- she says and does things to the children to intentionally hurt my husband and his relationship with his little ones.
A little background: My husband left his first wife when she was about 5 months pregnant with their youngest child. Granted, it was probably not the best time -- but there were extenuating circumstances. I met him shortly after he left. She blames me for the break up of their marriage. She says (and possible, she's right) that if he hadn't met me, they would have reconciled. The fact remains, they married young, because she was pregnant with their oldest, everyone told him not to marry her and they had split up and gotten back together several times before. The end of the marriage was inevitable. (Thats the short version). That was more than 4 years ago. In that 4 years, she has spoken to him less than a half dozen times (no exaggeration!). She refuses to speak to him about anything, including the children, their education, time with them, etc.
Recently, we movd from NC to WA. His children are in OR. So we are now 200 miles, door to door from them. My husband is asking for more time. She said she is remarried now, her new husband is the kids dad (she has even told his kids, now 8, 6 and 3, that they MUST call her husband "Daddy" and my husband "Mike" in her presence; that he is not their Daddy anymore because he left "them"), so they do not need any more time than the 30 days a year he had while living across the country. (He is military, so that was feasible, at the time). It's back in court and we'll find out what the judge says on the 25th.
Meanwhile, his 3 year old daughter told him last Sunday "You're dumb. I don't love you anymore. I have a mommy and a daddy here, I don't need you!" She then got on the phone with me and said "I don't think I should come to your house anymore!" When I asked her why not, she said "Because you're dumb and I don't love you!" I said, "Well, I love you, and I would like you to come to our house again." To which she replied, "I can't! It makes my mom mad!" Hmmmmmm wonder where she got that!
I have tried to stay out of things with his ex and him. I type and mail letters for him, because I have an office job and can do things that he can't, due to his job. I also help him with his legal stuff because we can no longer afford the attorney and I was going to law school before we moved. I don't speak to her, don't say anything bad to her or about her in front of the kids. She has no issue with me other than that her husband married me after divorcing her. She, on the other hand, has told the children horrible things about me, my husband, our families, etc.
So.....what do you do about a biological parent who does not want to "share" the children with the other biological parent and who twists the kids up just to hurt their dad? How do you handle a situation like this when you see your husband hurting so bad because his 6 year old hasn't gotten on the phone with him for 6 weeks now because "You're mean and I don't want to talk to you!", and his mother won't get on the phone with his dad to try to gt to the bottom of WHY he is saying that? What do you say to your husband when he says "I give up! I might as well just stop calling and trying to see them! They don't love me anymore! They don't want me around anyway!" Especially when you KNOW that's not true -- that they are just saying what their mother wants thm to! What do you do???
Anyone?
Erin Erin, I admire you and your husband for lasting this long. I was never in that perdicament. My real dad left when my mom was pregnant. The dad that I grew up with was my stepfather, both families got along great. My biological father, has never even tried to reach me. The only thing that he did that was good was leave when my mom was pregnant. My biological father took one of my brothers with him and for the first time the whole family met the oldest of our family when i was 14. It was strange to see him because we all look alike. So for your perdicament, the best thing that I can think of is go to court, but leave the kids with a babysitter unless the judge wants to talk to them. The children should not be in the middle as they are now. Your husbands ex is making the children call their stepfather "daddy" which is not right at all. My two stepdaughters asked me WHAT I wanted them to call me, I told them anything you want. I also told them that by no means am I taking the place of their mother. I told them as close that I can come to that is being your friend and stepmother. That seemed to the kids at ease....maybe try something like that but only to the ex, she might think that you and your husband want to take the kids from here. Letters don't always work. I feel for you both, I cannot even think, of doing to those little children who need their biological dad.
I hope everything works out for you and your husband
Pandas (Cheryl) |
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January 8, 2006, 11:26 am PST
Quote From: abbiedeen My husband's ex wife is so bitter toward my husband for leaving her -- and subsequently marrying me -- she says and does things to the children to intentionally hurt my husband and his relationship with his little ones.
A little background: My husband left his first wife when she was about 5 months pregnant with their youngest child. Granted, it was probably not the best time -- but there were extenuating circumstances. I met him shortly after he left. She blames me for the break up of their marriage. She says (and possible, she's right) that if he hadn't met me, they would have reconciled. The fact remains, they married young, because she was pregnant with their oldest, everyone told him not to marry her and they had split up and gotten back together several times before. The end of the marriage was inevitable. (Thats the short version). That was more than 4 years ago. In that 4 years, she has spoken to him less than a half dozen times (no exaggeration!). She refuses to speak to him about anything, including the children, their education, time with them, etc.
Recently, we movd from NC to WA. His children are in OR. So we are now 200 miles, door to door from them. My husband is asking for more time. She said she is remarried now, her new husband is the kids dad (she has even told his kids, now 8, 6 and 3, that they MUST call her husband "Daddy" and my husband "Mike" in her presence; that he is not their Daddy anymore because he left "them"), so they do not need any more time than the 30 days a year he had while living across the country. (He is military, so that was feasible, at the time). It's back in court and we'll find out what the judge says on the 25th.
Meanwhile, his 3 year old daughter told him last Sunday "You're dumb. I don't love you anymore. I have a mommy and a daddy here, I don't need you!" She then got on the phone with me and said "I don't think I should come to your house anymore!" When I asked her why not, she said "Because you're dumb and I don't love you!" I said, "Well, I love you, and I would like you to come to our house again." To which she replied, "I can't! It makes my mom mad!" Hmmmmmm wonder where she got that!
I have tried to stay out of things with his ex and him. I type and mail letters for him, because I have an office job and can do things that he can't, due to his job. I also help him with his legal stuff because we can no longer afford the attorney and I was going to law school before we moved. I don't speak to her, don't say anything bad to her or about her in front of the kids. She has no issue with me other than that her husband married me after divorcing her. She, on the other hand, has told the children horrible things about me, my husband, our families, etc.
So.....what do you do about a biological parent who does not want to "share" the children with the other biological parent and who twists the kids up just to hurt their dad? How do you handle a situation like this when you see your husband hurting so bad because his 6 year old hasn't gotten on the phone with him for 6 weeks now because "You're mean and I don't want to talk to you!", and his mother won't get on the phone with his dad to try to gt to the bottom of WHY he is saying that? What do you say to your husband when he says "I give up! I might as well just stop calling and trying to see them! They don't love me anymore! They don't want me around anyway!" Especially when you KNOW that's not true -- that they are just saying what their mother wants thm to! What do you do???
Anyone?
Erin First: your husband needs to exhaust all possible way he can to make his ex feel better. The fact is that Mom is still very hurt by what your husband did. Until Mom has those feeling acknowledged getting mom to be reasonable is not going to happen. The apology and acknowledgement of the pain your husband caused her had to be just that. It should not include any excuses for his actions or requests for change. He needs to sincerely apologize without any expectations on his part for her to change. He needs to apologize for the pure reason that what he did was wrong and hurtful to both her and the kids. I would suggest he do it in writing with help from a counselor and be careful to not put anything in the letter that can be used against him in court. If possible he should have joint counseling with his ex to allow for this to happen face to face. Second: understand that calling the kids and acknowledging that they are important to you is the only reason you call. There should be no other agenda. Expect nothing in return and just understand that by your husband doing this he is giving his kids a precious gift regardless of how they receive it. Third: Make it clear to both kids and Mom that visitation is not optional. Kids have no choice period. Even if they put up a fuss they go. If Mom interferes then use the police. Force all court ordered visitation. The kids are young enough that if you get this settled now the court will back you up. Now it the time to set this in stone and not budge at all about this. If there is an important even that the kids really need to attend get a hotel and stay there with the kids and take them to the event yourselfs. Fourth: Have as much visitation as possible. Fifth: acknowledge the kids feelings but don’t try to change them. Sixth: Don’t use the kids a go betweens. If Mom won’t talk get separate school conferences and use a mediator to discuss any issues that need to be resolved. Seventh: If you think that your presents at pick up and drop off is antagonistic then stay home or have him leave you at a nearby Starbucks (I hear you have lots of them up there) and pick you up on the way home. If you husband is antagonistic then do the pass off at a public location or have a third party handle the pass off. Eighth: and most important always be positive don’t talk to Mom in front of the kids if she can’t be so also. Just pick up with as few words as possible. Don’t take about mom when you have the kids and don’t debrief the kids. Stay in the present. |
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January 9, 2006, 11:24 am PST
Quote From: abbiedeen My husband's ex wife is so bitter toward my husband for leaving her -- and subsequently marrying me -- she says and does things to the children to intentionally hurt my husband and his relationship with his little ones.
A little background: My husband left his first wife when she was about 5 months pregnant with their youngest child. Granted, it was probably not the best time -- but there were extenuating circumstances. I met him shortly after he left. She blames me for the break up of their marriage. She says (and possible, she's right) that if he hadn't met me, they would have reconciled. The fact remains, they married young, because she was pregnant with their oldest, everyone told him not to marry her and they had split up and gotten back together several times before. The end of the marriage was inevitable. (Thats the short version). That was more than 4 years ago. In that 4 years, she has spoken to him less than a half dozen times (no exaggeration!). She refuses to speak to him about anything, including the children, their education, time with them, etc.
Recently, we movd from NC to WA. His children are in OR. So we are now 200 miles, door to door from them. My husband is asking for more time. She said she is remarried now, her new husband is the kids dad (she has even told his kids, now 8, 6 and 3, that they MUST call her husband "Daddy" and my husband "Mike" in her presence; that he is not their Daddy anymore because he left "them"), so they do not need any more time than the 30 days a year he had while living across the country. (He is military, so that was feasible, at the time). It's back in court and we'll find out what the judge says on the 25th.
Meanwhile, his 3 year old daughter told him last Sunday "You're dumb. I don't love you anymore. I have a mommy and a daddy here, I don't need you!" She then got on the phone with me and said "I don't think I should come to your house anymore!" When I asked her why not, she said "Because you're dumb and I don't love you!" I said, "Well, I love you, and I would like you to come to our house again." To which she replied, "I can't! It makes my mom mad!" Hmmmmmm wonder where she got that!
I have tried to stay out of things with his ex and him. I type and mail letters for him, because I have an office job and can do things that he can't, due to his job. I also help him with his legal stuff because we can no longer afford the attorney and I was going to law school before we moved. I don't speak to her, don't say anything bad to her or about her in front of the kids. She has no issue with me other than that her husband married me after divorcing her. She, on the other hand, has told the children horrible things about me, my husband, our families, etc.
So.....what do you do about a biological parent who does not want to "share" the children with the other biological parent and who twists the kids up just to hurt their dad? How do you handle a situation like this when you see your husband hurting so bad because his 6 year old hasn't gotten on the phone with him for 6 weeks now because "You're mean and I don't want to talk to you!", and his mother won't get on the phone with his dad to try to gt to the bottom of WHY he is saying that? What do you say to your husband when he says "I give up! I might as well just stop calling and trying to see them! They don't love me anymore! They don't want me around anyway!" Especially when you KNOW that's not true -- that they are just saying what their mother wants thm to! What do you do???
Anyone?
Erin Hi, Erin,
From what you've described above, it appears that you are dealing with a case of "Parental Alienation". PA is characterized by one parent saying and doing things in the presence of the children that turn the child(ren) against the other parent that are not true. Now, this is only truly PA if those things are not true, which appears to be the case here, and wherein the children reject the other parent based on what the alientating parent is saying and doing.
My personal experience with PA goes back 14+ years. My 16 year-old step-daughter (2 years old when we met), was in the custody of her mother until she was 13. The whole time they were together, even though the mother HAD CUSTODY, Jamie was constantly told how awful her dad (my husband) was, and how awful I was. Fortunately, we had Jamie with us quite a bit (every other weekend, all summer, etc.) as her mom liked her "free time." Now, the mother, in the course of her adult life, has been married 5 times, has had 3 kids w/ 2 men, a parade of men thru the bedroom (which Jamie could hear starting at a young age), and has been convicted of child abuse on two of the kids. Of course, we have done everything possible to get custody of Jamie since the divorce on up. Every time we'd turn Mom in for the child abuse, she'd tell the social services people we were "just making stuff up to get custody" and intimidate Jamie in to changing her story! We were accused of "abusing the system" and trying to get custody! Finally, when Jamie was 12, she was hit with a belt on the bottom, and was brave enough to tell her school nurse and continue to tell her side of what happened, until at last someone did the right thing and the mother was convicted! Even after that, the courts did not automatically take Jamie away from her! We had to try to negotiate w/ the mother (she wanted us to continue to pay her child support "so I have a place for Jamie to come and visit me"!), and finally, we went back to court to get permanent sole custody. As soon as we did, and she was ordered to pay CS, she ceased wanting to see her child!
Now, Jamie is 16. Fortunately for all of us, she's got a good head on her shoulders and most of what her mom's said and done over the years is not greatly affecting her life. She's a good student, she's got lots of friend, a sweet boyfriend (she's still a virgin, hip-hip-hooray!), she's completely blossomed and become a confident and outgoing teen, and best of all, she really and truly appreciates all that her dad and I have done all these years to protect her. We have done everything we can to be good, consistent parents for her and our 11 year old son. She does call me Mom, and has since our son was born, at her own choice. I never told her or asked her to do so! She says, "you are the one who's mothered me all these years, you are my MOM!" I know Dr. Phil doesn't support this, but at a minimum, perhaps we should agree that all cases have special circumstances and maybe there needs to be some flexibility with the "RULES" for all cases. Jamie and I have spent many many hours TALKING about her life, her mom and dad, SEX, making good choices, how to treat others and YOURSELF with respect, etc., etc. I cannot imagine my life without her, and she frequently says the same about me.
Please know that Parental Alientation is very real and can cause real lifelong damage to any child, young or teen or adult! Type it in your search engine and see for yourself. The courts in some areas may finally be starting to recognize it now. When you are dealing with these issues, it's harder than lots of things, because it's so hard to "Prove" that it's happening. So don't give up. My situation is living proof that you can get thru successfully, with a lifetime of love and hard work. |
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January 9, 2006, 1:40 pm PST
Quote From: abbiedeen My husband's ex wife is so bitter toward my husband for leaving her -- and subsequently marrying me -- she says and does things to the children to intentionally hurt my husband and his relationship with his little ones.
A little background: My husband left his first wife when she was about 5 months pregnant with their youngest child. Granted, it was probably not the best time -- but there were extenuating circumstances. I met him shortly after he left. She blames me for the break up of their marriage. She says (and possible, she's right) that if he hadn't met me, they would have reconciled. The fact remains, they married young, because she was pregnant with their oldest, everyone told him not to marry her and they had split up and gotten back together several times before. The end of the marriage was inevitable. (Thats the short version). That was more than 4 years ago. In that 4 years, she has spoken to him less than a half dozen times (no exaggeration!). She refuses to speak to him about anything, including the children, their education, time with them, etc.
Recently, we movd from NC to WA. His children are in OR. So we are now 200 miles, door to door from them. My husband is asking for more time. She said she is remarried now, her new husband is the kids dad (she has even told his kids, now 8, 6 and 3, that they MUST call her husband "Daddy" and my husband "Mike" in her presence; that he is not their Daddy anymore because he left "them"), so they do not need any more time than the 30 days a year he had while living across the country. (He is military, so that was feasible, at the time). It's back in court and we'll find out what the judge says on the 25th.
Meanwhile, his 3 year old daughter told him last Sunday "You're dumb. I don't love you anymore. I have a mommy and a daddy here, I don't need you!" She then got on the phone with me and said "I don't think I should come to your house anymore!" When I asked her why not, she said "Because you're dumb and I don't love you!" I said, "Well, I love you, and I would like you to come to our house again." To which she replied, "I can't! It makes my mom mad!" Hmmmmmm wonder where she got that!
I have tried to stay out of things with his ex and him. I type and mail letters for him, because I have an office job and can do things that he can't, due to his job. I also help him with his legal stuff because we can no longer afford the attorney and I was going to law school before we moved. I don't speak to her, don't say anything bad to her or about her in front of the kids. She has no issue with me other than that her husband married me after divorcing her. She, on the other hand, has told the children horrible things about me, my husband, our families, etc.
So.....what do you do about a biological parent who does not want to "share" the children with the other biological parent and who twists the kids up just to hurt their dad? How do you handle a situation like this when you see your husband hurting so bad because his 6 year old hasn't gotten on the phone with him for 6 weeks now because "You're mean and I don't want to talk to you!", and his mother won't get on the phone with his dad to try to gt to the bottom of WHY he is saying that? What do you say to your husband when he says "I give up! I might as well just stop calling and trying to see them! They don't love me anymore! They don't want me around anyway!" Especially when you KNOW that's not true -- that they are just saying what their mother wants thm to! What do you do???
Anyone?
Erin
Hello Erin,
I can sympathize with the pain you and your husband are feeling. I want to reassure you that you are doing all the right things. Children are a lot smarter and more perceptive than we give realize. These children are still very young, and unfortunately their "Mother" and I use that term in a biological respect only is a moron. Just because people CAN be parents, doesn't mean they should be parents. Your husband should continue to make contact with his children and document all letters, cards, packages, phone calls etc... (this may prove very useful later in court) Keep a journal of things the children say to you, record it with a recorder they can't see, write down EVERYTHING. Take comfort in knowing that they will not be children forever and will at some point want to know their father's side of the story. At such time you and your husband will have an opportunity to show them and explain to them the truth. And this can and should be done in a way that doesn't make them alienate their mother...if you give her enough rope, she'll hang herself. They always do !!! Just keep your heads up, continue planning for your future as a family that includes them and just be patient. I wish I had more help to offer you but I believe that you are doing all that you can with your current situation. Keep your heads up, and remember the universe tends to unfold just as it should. Take care. Good luck. Dawn |
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January 10, 2006, 12:13 pm PST
Quote From: abbiedeen My husband's ex wife is so bitter toward my husband for leaving her -- and subsequently marrying me -- she says and does things to the children to intentionally hurt my husband and his relationship with his little ones.
A little background: My husband left his first wife when she was about 5 months pregnant with their youngest child. Granted, it was probably not the best time -- but there were extenuating circumstances. I met him shortly after he left. She blames me for the break up of their marriage. She says (and possible, she's right) that if he hadn't met me, they would have reconciled. The fact remains, they married young, because she was pregnant with their oldest, everyone told him not to marry her and they had split up and gotten back together several times before. The end of the marriage was inevitable. (Thats the short version). That was more than 4 years ago. In that 4 years, she has spoken to him less than a half dozen times (no exaggeration!). She refuses to speak to him about anything, including the children, their education, time with them, etc.
Recently, we movd from NC to WA. His children are in OR. So we are now 200 miles, door to door from them. My husband is asking for more time. She said she is remarried now, her new husband is the kids dad (she has even told his kids, now 8, 6 and 3, that they MUST call her husband "Daddy" and my husband "Mike" in her presence; that he is not their Daddy anymore because he left "them"), so they do not need any more time than the 30 days a year he had while living across the country. (He is military, so that was feasible, at the time). It's back in court and we'll find out what the judge says on the 25th.
Meanwhile, his 3 year old daughter told him last Sunday "You're dumb. I don't love you anymore. I have a mommy and a daddy here, I don't need you!" She then got on the phone with me and said "I don't think I should come to your house anymore!" When I asked her why not, she said "Because you're dumb and I don't love you!" I said, "Well, I love you, and I would like you to come to our house again." To which she replied, "I can't! It makes my mom mad!" Hmmmmmm wonder where she got that!
I have tried to stay out of things with his ex and him. I type and mail letters for him, because I have an office job and can do things that he can't, due to his job. I also help him with his legal stuff because we can no longer afford the attorney and I was going to law school before we moved. I don't speak to her, don't say anything bad to her or about her in front of the kids. She has no issue with me other than that her husband married me after divorcing her. She, on the other hand, has told the children horrible things about me, my husband, our families, etc.
So.....what do you do about a biological parent who does not want to "share" the children with the other biological parent and who twists the kids up just to hurt their dad? How do you handle a situation like this when you see your husband hurting so bad because his 6 year old hasn't gotten on the phone with him for 6 weeks now because "You're mean and I don't want to talk to you!", and his mother won't get on the phone with his dad to try to gt to the bottom of WHY he is saying that? What do you say to your husband when he says "I give up! I might as well just stop calling and trying to see them! They don't love me anymore! They don't want me around anyway!" Especially when you KNOW that's not true -- that they are just saying what their mother wants thm to! What do you do???
Anyone?
Erin Wow, so you are faced with having to explain to his kids that the reason mommy and daddy did not stay together was because of something YOU wanted?? She says "bad things" about you does she ?? Adults who are embarking on a relationship with a married person with children would do well to consider that kids generally would prefer that their parents stay together. Further once parents split.. most kids would prefer that thay get back together. Unfortunately you by your presence may have eliminated the chance for a family to reconcile. People who find themselves in that position would do well to send him or her back to their spouse so 10 years later you can look the children involved in the eye |
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January 11, 2006, 7:38 am PST
Quote From: abbiedeen My husband's ex wife is so bitter toward my husband for leaving her -- and subsequently marrying me -- she says and does things to the children to intentionally hurt my husband and his relationship with his little ones.
A little background: My husband left his first wife when she was about 5 months pregnant with their youngest child. Granted, it was probably not the best time -- but there were extenuating circumstances. I met him shortly after he left. She blames me for the break up of their marriage. She says (and possible, she's right) that if he hadn't met me, they would have reconciled. The fact remains, they married young, because she was pregnant with their oldest, everyone told him not to marry her and they had split up and gotten back together several times before. The end of the marriage was inevitable. (Thats the short version). That was more than 4 years ago. In that 4 years, she has spoken to him less than a half dozen times (no exaggeration!). She refuses to speak to him about anything, including the children, their education, time with them, etc.
Recently, we movd from NC to WA. His children are in OR. So we are now 200 miles, door to door from them. My husband is asking for more time. She said she is remarried now, her new husband is the kids dad (she has even told his kids, now 8, 6 and 3, that they MUST call her husband "Daddy" and my husband "Mike" in her presence; that he is not their Daddy anymore because he left "them"), so they do not need any more time than the 30 days a year he had while living across the country. (He is military, so that was feasible, at the time). It's back in court and we'll find out what the judge says on the 25th.
Meanwhile, his 3 year old daughter told him last Sunday "You're dumb. I don't love you anymore. I have a mommy and a daddy here, I don't need you!" She then got on the phone with me and said "I don't think I should come to your house anymore!" When I asked her why not, she said "Because you're dumb and I don't love you!" I said, "Well, I love you, and I would like you to come to our house again." To which she replied, "I can't! It makes my mom mad!" Hmmmmmm wonder where she got that!
I have tried to stay out of things with his ex and him. I type and mail letters for him, because I have an office job and can do things that he can't, due to his job. I also help him with his legal stuff because we can no longer afford the attorney and I was going to law school before we moved. I don't speak to her, don't say anything bad to her or about her in front of the kids. She has no issue with me other than that her husband married me after divorcing her. She, on the other hand, has told the children horrible things about me, my husband, our families, etc.
So.....what do you do about a biological parent who does not want to "share" the children with the other biological parent and who twists the kids up just to hurt their dad? How do you handle a situation like this when you see your husband hurting so bad because his 6 year old hasn't gotten on the phone with him for 6 weeks now because "You're mean and I don't want to talk to you!", and his mother won't get on the phone with his dad to try to gt to the bottom of WHY he is saying that? What do you say to your husband when he says "I give up! I might as well just stop calling and trying to see them! They don't love me anymore! They don't want me around anyway!" Especially when you KNOW that's not true -- that they are just saying what their mother wants thm to! What do you do???
Anyone?
Erin I have been in that same situation for 5 years, and I know 1st hand how hurtful the bitter ex can be. Ladies, don't get me wrong, not all ex's are bitter, but the bitter ones really screw it up for the others. My husband's ex may be just getting past the bitterness (I say may because she could revert back at any moment!). I tried from day one to be friendly toward her, and tried to encourage her to do the same for the sake of the boys, and she would only ablige when she needed a favor. Things are starting to get peaceful, but while in her bitter rage she did permanent damage to my husband's 3 sons (13,11,7) and our relationship with them.
After we got married, we moved 2 miles away with the hope of coparenting, and 5 years, thousands of dollars, and lots of tears later, we have been forced to step back and watch the kids self-destruct. It is the most painful thing I've ever experienced (and believe me, I know pain).
For years, I have loved them like they were my own, and they understood that they had 3 parents who loved them. Unfortunately, her bitterness and insecurity caused so much destruction that we were forced to go months without any contact with them. And don't get me started on the courts...that's a waste of time, money and energy. Watching my husband grieve for children that live 2 miles away, and no court to enforce his visitation! By planting lies and deceit in the minds of these innocent children, any mal-intentioned ex can destroy their lives with the help of the legal system that was intended to protect them. Tell me, how well adjusted is a child who has been convinced that his God-fearing, hard working, law abiding, loving, affectionate father is the devil because he enforces No pass, no play?
We have a 2 yr old son whom they adore (and he thinks they hung the moon), and her ugliness was at its worst when I was pregnant and escalated after the baby was born. But to God be the glory, we have resumed contact and are trying to rebuild our relationships that she worked so hard to destroy. My friends all told me it would get better with time, but I disagree. It only gets better with lots of prayer,love, and patience. |
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January 13, 2006, 1:17 pm PST
Quote From: abbiedeen My husband's ex wife is so bitter toward my husband for leaving her -- and subsequently marrying me -- she says and does things to the children to intentionally hurt my husband and his relationship with his little ones.
A little background: My husband left his first wife when she was about 5 months pregnant with their youngest child. Granted, it was probably not the best time -- but there were extenuating circumstances. I met him shortly after he left. She blames me for the break up of their marriage. She says (and possible, she's right) that if he hadn't met me, they would have reconciled. The fact remains, they married young, because she was pregnant with their oldest, everyone told him not to marry her and they had split up and gotten back together several times before. The end of the marriage was inevitable. (Thats the short version). That was more than 4 years ago. In that 4 years, she has spoken to him less than a half dozen times (no exaggeration!). She refuses to speak to him about anything, including the children, their education, time with them, etc.
Recently, we movd from NC to WA. His children are in OR. So we are now 200 miles, door to door from them. My husband is asking for more time. She said she is remarried now, her new husband is the kids dad (she has even told his kids, now 8, 6 and 3, that they MUST call her husband "Daddy" and my husband "Mike" in her presence; that he is not their Daddy anymore because he left "them"), so they do not need any more time than the 30 days a year he had while living across the country. (He is military, so that was feasible, at the time). It's back in court and we'll find out what the judge says on the 25th.
Meanwhile, his 3 year old daughter told him last Sunday "You're dumb. I don't love you anymore. I have a mommy and a daddy here, I don't need you!" She then got on the phone with me and said "I don't think I should come to your house anymore!" When I asked her why not, she said "Because you're dumb and I don't love you!" I said, "Well, I love you, and I would like you to come to our house again." To which she replied, "I can't! It makes my mom mad!" Hmmmmmm wonder where she got that!
I have tried to stay out of things with his ex and him. I type and mail letters for him, because I have an office job and can do things that he can't, due to his job. I also help him with his legal stuff because we can no longer afford the attorney and I was going to law school before we moved. I don't speak to her, don't say anything bad to her or about her in front of the kids. She has no issue with me other than that her husband married me after divorcing her. She, on the other hand, has told the children horrible things about me, my husband, our families, etc.
So.....what do you do about a biological parent who does not want to "share" the children with the other biological parent and who twists the kids up just to hurt their dad? How do you handle a situation like this when you see your husband hurting so bad because his 6 year old hasn't gotten on the phone with him for 6 weeks now because "You're mean and I don't want to talk to you!", and his mother won't get on the phone with his dad to try to gt to the bottom of WHY he is saying that? What do you say to your husband when he says "I give up! I might as well just stop calling and trying to see them! They don't love me anymore! They don't want me around anyway!" Especially when you KNOW that's not true -- that they are just saying what their mother wants thm to! What do you do???
Anyone?
Erin This happens so often in broken families that there is a lot of information available and coping strategies that have been tried successfully to deal with this. It is a very thorny issue and the damage to the child is substantial. Richard Gardner has written several books about the subject.
Here are some sites I pulled from Google: http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/walsh99.htm http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/info_pas.htm http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pasarchive.php |
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