Replies to '03/23 Nasty Custody Battles'

First: your husband needs to exhaust all possible way he can to make his ex feel better. 

The fact is that Mom is still very hurt by what your husband did.  Until Mom has those feeling acknowledged getting mom to be reasonable is not going to happen.  The apology and acknowledgement of the pain your husband caused her had to be just that.  It should not include any excuses for his actions or requests for change.  He needs to sincerely apologize without any expectations on his part for her to change.  He needs to apologize for the pure reason that what he did was wrong and hurtful to both her and the kids.  I would suggest he do it in writing with help from a counselor and be careful to not put anything in the letter that can be used against him in court.  If possible he should have joint counseling with his ex to allow for this to happen face to face. 

Second: understand that calling the kids and acknowledging that they are important to you is the only reason you call.  There should be no other agenda.  Expect nothing in return and just understand that by your husband doing this he is giving his kids a precious gift regardless of how they receive it. 

Third: Make it clear to both kids and Mom that visitation is not optional.  Kids have no choice period.  Even if they put up a fuss they go.  If Mom interferes then use the police.  Force all court ordered visitation.  The kids are young enough that if you get this settled now the court will back you up.  Now it the time to set this in stone and not budge at all about this.  If there is an important even that the kids really need to attend get a hotel and stay there with the kids and take them to the event yourselfs.   

Fourth: Have as much visitation as possible. 

Fifth: acknowledge the kids feelings but don’t try to change them. 

Sixth: Don’t use the kids a go betweens.  If Mom won’t talk get separate school conferences and use a mediator to discuss any issues that need to be resolved.    

Seventh: If you think that your presents at pick up and drop off is antagonistic then stay home or have him leave you at a nearby Starbucks (I hear you have lots of them up there) and pick you up on the way home.  If you husband is antagonistic then do the pass off at a public location or have a third party handle the pass off. 

Eighth:  and most important always be positive don’t talk to Mom in front of the kids if she can’t be so also.  Just pick up with as few words as possible.  Don’t take about mom when you have the kids and don’t debrief the kids.  Stay in the present. 

First: your husband needs to exhaust all possible way he can to make his ex feel better. 

The fact is that Mom is still very hurt by what your husband did.  Until Mom has those feeling acknowledged getting mom to be reasonable is not going to happen.  The apology and acknowledgement of the pain your husband caused her had to be just that.  It should not include any excuses for his actions or requests for change.  He needs to sincerely apologize without any expectations on his part for her to change.  He needs to apologize for the pure reason that what he did was wrong and hurtful to both her and the kids.  I would suggest he do it in writing with help from a counselor and be careful to not put anything in the letter that can be used against him in court.  If possible he should have joint counseling with his ex to allow for this to happen face to face. 

Second: understand that calling the kids and acknowledging that they are important to you is the only reason you call.  There should be no other agenda.  Expect nothing in return and just understand that by your husband doing this he is giving his kids a precious gift regardless of how they receive it. 

Third: Make it clear to both kids and Mom that visitation is not optional.  Kids have no choice period.  Even if they put up a fuss they go.  If Mom interferes then use the police.  Force all court ordered visitation.  The kids are young enough that if you get this settled now the court will back you up.  Now it the time to set this in stone and not budge at all about this.  If there is an important even that the kids really need to attend get a hotel and stay there with the kids and take them to the event yourselfs.   

Fourth: Have as much visitation as possible. 

Fifth: acknowledge the kids feelings but don’t try to change them. 

Sixth: Don’t use the kids a go betweens.  If Mom won’t talk get separate school conferences and use a mediator to discuss any issues that need to be resolved.    

Seventh: If you think that your presents at pick up and drop off is antagonistic then stay home or have him leave you at a nearby Starbucks (I hear you have lots of them up there) and pick you up on the way home.  If you husband is antagonistic then do the pass off at a public location or have a third party handle the pass off. 

Eighth:  and most important always be positive don’t talk to Mom in front of the kids if she can’t be so also.  Just pick up with as few words as possible.  Don’t take about mom when you have the kids and don’t debrief the kids.  Stay in the present.