Replies to 'Toxic Family Relationships'

After searching these posts, I finally came across this one, and another next to it, that addressed a topic that is rarely discussed.  Unless I missed a particular show, I have yet to see this one talked about on Dr. Phil's show. 

Several years ago, I came across a web page that described "Parental Alienation Syndrome" also known as "PAS", which I believe we are talking about here.  It's when one parent (the alienator) turns the child against the other parent (the alienated), to the point that the child begins to take on the language of the alienator.  I've read that it's an easy thing to pull off, while the childs or young adults brain is not fully developed to understand, detect or realize what is happening to them.

The more I researched this subject, the more devistated I became in learning what had happened to my own children. As it is expressed in an article, my sons are a "classic" case, displaying just about every symptom listed.  The articles say that there is not much that can be done about it once it has set in to full blown syndrome. It's simular to brainwashing, and can take years to undo, and only with the help of professionals who are familiar to this growing issue.

I can relate to how you tried to explain how painful this experience has been for you. It is harder than grieving death itself, as they are still living. Not that this provides any relief, PAS has finally been recognized by professionals, agencies and our court system, as of April of 2007. Please join me in a prayer for PAS to be chosen as a topic on the anniversary of PAS in April this year.

My story in brief:

The only deep felt calling I was ever compassionate about was to be a mother, and then a grandmother.  I loved nearly every single day of being a mom. There were so many moments that I stopped to soak up a moment that I wanted to remember and cherrish forever. I always felt confident as a mother, and feel I did a good job.  My sons knew they were loved, and would be supported in what ever they chose to do in life.  In watching most of Dr. Phil's Show, I did most things correctly, but I also made some mistakes.  I've never claimed to be perfect, but I always did my best with what I had. They were my life, and I was one proud mama! My sons were loved and enjoyed by many, especially their teachers over the years. My twin boys turn 30 this year, one which made me a grandma 3 years ago.

Everything changed when I divorced their step-father after 13 years of marriage. He showed no interest in saving our marriage, as I had begged him for many years. It was one of those cases of, he didn't want me but he didn't want anyone else to have me either. With the devil in his eyes, he told me that if I left him, he would turn my children against me, as well as my entire family. I shrugged it off thinking it was just hurt ego talking, and thought it would be impossible for him to pull off due to how close me and my children were.  Besides, my children were frustrated with him through the years because he would never do "father" things with them. At times, they even voiced being afraid of him because of his temper and strong opinions that would narrow their options and choices in life due to being judged by him. 

To my surprise and devistation, the ex was highly successful in alienating my entire family against me.  He got back at me the only ways he knew he could, through my sons. He was also sleeping with my sister before I even decided to leave him. I'm not sure why that was acceptable by the family, or how he convinced them all that I was the "bad guy" while he soaked up their sympathy. I have my theories, but it doesn't matter now.  He passed away about 5 years ago, leaving behind his path of destruction. He never did take very good care of himself, and sometimes it appeared he was deliberately killing himself. Even when his doctor threatened him with needing an oxygen tank, he still puffed away 5 packs a day, the last one lighting the next.  This was not only frustrating to watch, but difficult to have as an example for my sons too.

My family hasn't spoken to me in 10 years now. I never stopped trying to talk with my kids through these years, and only got vicious programmed responses in return.  The kind that could only come from a young mind if implanted by an adult. There was always a bit of dysfunction in my family, but didn't face just how much until all this occured. My own mother and step-father is another long story that is full of abuse. It was a tough realization to come to, that my mother was never able to bond with her second daughter, me.

I learned a lot about PAS, and the destruction that appears will last forever. I know what greiving the living feels like.  I also know another side to PAS. Through my research, I discovered that I had been deliberately alienated from my own blood father from the age of 5. I was supposedly "daddy's litte girl" until then. Mother needed me to hate him as much as she did after they divorced.  Soon, I was speaking her language, yet never had a reason to hate him. I didn't know this happened until few years ago. 

For those of you who share in this gut wrenching pain, there are support groups out there.  I ran one myself for a couple of years when we were still trying to get PAS recognized and trying to raise awareness.  It's been a few years now since I've looked at the research out there, so maybe there is more to learn now. Google "Parental Alienation Syndrome" and see for yourself. Last I looked, it had become more rampid than one could believe. 

It is my nature to chose to be happy and I have survived many obsticles, but I probably don't need to tell you how well this one can take hold of your life and drench your soul in the stress hormone. I know first hand how this can manifest into your physical health, no matter how hard I try to rise above it  I now suffer with physical dis'eases, and any one of them could take my life.  My daily prayer these days is to be vendicated and spare my children a loss that didn't have to be. 

I'm a good woman and a great mom.  The hardest part for me is knowing my children are going through life, thinking they do not have a mother who is worthy, someone they can count on, that really loves them and wants the best for them.  Or, a grandson who is being cheated out of that special kind of love that comes from a grandma. Honestly, I would rather have my limbs cut off, than have gone through this.  We can punish those who do us physical harm, or take material things from us, but where is the justice for someone who deliberately and maliciously causes emotional damage.

I see that I'm running out of room to continue, or does it keep expanding, I don't know.  This is my first time posting here.  Well, enough said to get the gist anyway. 

There is indeed a lot left out.  I fully realize, and have acknowledged to my sons and family, the areas where I have failed.  So far, it has only boosted their stance that it is all my fault and I'm not worthy of the family's affections, support and love.  I have definately made mistakes in life, some I'm not very proud of, to be sure.  I know I have learned from them and became a better person for it.  I also know, my children do not deserve this, and neither do I !!! 

Thank you for sharing your story.  It helped me decide to share mine.