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Replies to '07/04 Old Flames'
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January 13, 2006, 9:31 am PST
 Quote From: dixiebrit Old flames are great if you are both single and free, but when others (spouses, children) are involved, perhaps they should fade into the background gracefully. Sure, we all have a history, myself included. I had a wonderful boyfriend years ago. We were very close and came close to being more than just dates occassionally. However, once he married another woman, I stayed out of his life. Even though he was miserable (and several mutual friends informed me of this), I stayed out of it. It was not my place to mess with his marriage. Now that he is divorced, he has contacted me, but I am no longer free. I have been friendly, but not taken it back to what it was, simply because I have a greater interest in being honest with my husband. He is the man I made my vows with and who has the right to expect my fidelity. I will always give him this. Another problem I have is that my husband has a "flame" in his past that never really got started. It never ceases to amaze me to know that my husband is crazy about this woman, now married with two children, who has never really given him the fulfillment that he thinks she has. She is the most coniving and self-serving person I have ever met, and pretty much kept him on the string, both before and after our marriage, as a her "boyfriend in a jar" for whenever she was bored or wanted someone to do something for her. She buddied up to my mother-in-law in order to secure a bequest in the will. She is totally faithful to her husband as far as the actual sex act is concerned, but has few female friends because she always cozies up to their hubbies in order to get loads of attention. She is the type of woman most women hate -- rubbing her body up and down to get attention and asking every male in the room if she looks too fat having recently given birth, etc., flirting blatantly and then dissing the wives whenever she gets a chance. Thankfully, we have now moved hundreds of miles away from this person and she has not nearly the access to my darling hubby she did. However, I recently (by accident because he left it up on my computer) found out that he had been corresponding with her by email. I didn't want to know it. He seems to still think she is his ideal, although he loves me and our two children. He talks about getting together with her when both their spouses die, something I find very upsetting. Her replies to him have been friendly but not that interested, but she usually throws in something that keeps him looking for this love affair that was never there. He told me once that they did try to make it something more than friends, but it didn't work out and she really wasn't interested in him. He, on the other hand, carried a torch for her for years and kept seeing her after she married someone else because SHE instigated it -- her husband works odd hours and she was "bored". I finally had to tell him that I didn't wish to see her or hear her name mentioned ever again, because of things she had done when I was out of our home at church or other appointments. I also felt that she was a major cause of dissension between us. I prefer to try and treat him with positive reinforcement. He doesn't know that I know about this and I choose not to make it a fight and a big issue. Still, I cannot deny that I am very hurt by the knowledge that he has kept in touch with her this past year since our move. If she were a decent woman, she would realize that she owes her own husband a great deal more respect and that this correspondence must stop. However, I cannot hope for decency on her part, so I figure I can only kill her memory with loving kindness. He never had from her what he thinks he had, but he HAS had a very loving relationship with me and will continue to do so if I can help it. I would like some ideas on how to get this woman out of his life without contacting her (wouldn't do any good and she would probably tell him all about it) or letting on to him and perhaps having a big unnecessary fight. Any pertinent suggestions would be helpful. Thanks. You seem to be a very thoughtful, faithful person, and you deserve the same in return. I wish I had the expertise of Dr. Phil to help you, but I think he would say something similar to this--your husband is not treating you with respect when he is allowing this other woman to insinuate herself into your marriage. It's good you're loving and kind, but I think you need to be firm and honest with him. "You can't change what you don't acknowledge." Please find a good counselor, maybe your pastor or someone he/she refers you to, and go even if your husband won't. He needs to find out why he's hanging on to this "ideal" and allowing it to rob you and his children. A professional can help you practice setting boundaries with him. He IS being unfaithful as long as he keeps fanning this old flame. My husband and I have learned the hard way regarding opposite sex friends. It's a daily walk because there are temptations everywhere. Take care, and please don't settle for less than being first in your husband's life. |
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January 13, 2006, 10:37 am PST
Quote From: dixiebrit Old flames are great if you are both single and free, but when others (spouses, children) are involved, perhaps they should fade into the background gracefully. Sure, we all have a history, myself included. I had a wonderful boyfriend years ago. We were very close and came close to being more than just dates occassionally. However, once he married another woman, I stayed out of his life. Even though he was miserable (and several mutual friends informed me of this), I stayed out of it. It was not my place to mess with his marriage. Now that he is divorced, he has contacted me, but I am no longer free. I have been friendly, but not taken it back to what it was, simply because I have a greater interest in being honest with my husband. He is the man I made my vows with and who has the right to expect my fidelity. I will always give him this. Another problem I have is that my husband has a "flame" in his past that never really got started. It never ceases to amaze me to know that my husband is crazy about this woman, now married with two children, who has never really given him the fulfillment that he thinks she has. She is the most coniving and self-serving person I have ever met, and pretty much kept him on the string, both before and after our marriage, as a her "boyfriend in a jar" for whenever she was bored or wanted someone to do something for her. She buddied up to my mother-in-law in order to secure a bequest in the will. She is totally faithful to her husband as far as the actual sex act is concerned, but has few female friends because she always cozies up to their hubbies in order to get loads of attention. She is the type of woman most women hate -- rubbing her body up and down to get attention and asking every male in the room if she looks too fat having recently given birth, etc., flirting blatantly and then dissing the wives whenever she gets a chance. Thankfully, we have now moved hundreds of miles away from this person and she has not nearly the access to my darling hubby she did. However, I recently (by accident because he left it up on my computer) found out that he had been corresponding with her by email. I didn't want to know it. He seems to still think she is his ideal, although he loves me and our two children. He talks about getting together with her when both their spouses die, something I find very upsetting. Her replies to him have been friendly but not that interested, but she usually throws in something that keeps him looking for this love affair that was never there. He told me once that they did try to make it something more than friends, but it didn't work out and she really wasn't interested in him. He, on the other hand, carried a torch for her for years and kept seeing her after she married someone else because SHE instigated it -- her husband works odd hours and she was "bored". I finally had to tell him that I didn't wish to see her or hear her name mentioned ever again, because of things she had done when I was out of our home at church or other appointments. I also felt that she was a major cause of dissension between us. I prefer to try and treat him with positive reinforcement. He doesn't know that I know about this and I choose not to make it a fight and a big issue. Still, I cannot deny that I am very hurt by the knowledge that he has kept in touch with her this past year since our move. If she were a decent woman, she would realize that she owes her own husband a great deal more respect and that this correspondence must stop. However, I cannot hope for decency on her part, so I figure I can only kill her memory with loving kindness. He never had from her what he thinks he had, but he HAS had a very loving relationship with me and will continue to do so if I can help it. I would like some ideas on how to get this woman out of his life without contacting her (wouldn't do any good and she would probably tell him all about it) or letting on to him and perhaps having a big unnecessary fight. Any pertinent suggestions would be helpful. Thanks. that old flames should fade gracefully into the background once you marry. I can't see what "positives" they can possibly add to a marriage but I sure can see plenty of negatives. In your case, your husband may be going through the classic grass is greener phenomenom. Believe me, if he was on the other side of the fence he'd see pretty quickly what a manipulative, self-serving b.... she is. She has no concept of boundaries either within her marriage or within other peoples. You say you prefer to not mention to him that you know what is happening, and you are treating him with positive reinforcement. I agree with the part about keeping your marriage as positive as possible, but I don't think that keeping silent on the e-mailing is working. You are hurting because of it and he isn't, and unless you say something the status quo will continue. What incentive will he have to stop the e-mailing? I would have a long (not angry) talk with him and let him know that the e-mailing is hurtful to you and you want it to stop. I wouldn't contact her...that is just what she would love to happen, because it would make her feel important. The sooner you get this manipulative b.... out of your life and marriage, the better off you will be. |
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January 13, 2006, 1:41 pm PST
Quote From: dixiebrit Old flames are great if you are both single and free, but when others (spouses, children) are involved, perhaps they should fade into the background gracefully. Sure, we all have a history, myself included. I had a wonderful boyfriend years ago. We were very close and came close to being more than just dates occassionally. However, once he married another woman, I stayed out of his life. Even though he was miserable (and several mutual friends informed me of this), I stayed out of it. It was not my place to mess with his marriage. Now that he is divorced, he has contacted me, but I am no longer free. I have been friendly, but not taken it back to what it was, simply because I have a greater interest in being honest with my husband. He is the man I made my vows with and who has the right to expect my fidelity. I will always give him this. Another problem I have is that my husband has a "flame" in his past that never really got started. It never ceases to amaze me to know that my husband is crazy about this woman, now married with two children, who has never really given him the fulfillment that he thinks she has. She is the most coniving and self-serving person I have ever met, and pretty much kept him on the string, both before and after our marriage, as a her "boyfriend in a jar" for whenever she was bored or wanted someone to do something for her. She buddied up to my mother-in-law in order to secure a bequest in the will. She is totally faithful to her husband as far as the actual sex act is concerned, but has few female friends because she always cozies up to their hubbies in order to get loads of attention. She is the type of woman most women hate -- rubbing her body up and down to get attention and asking every male in the room if she looks too fat having recently given birth, etc., flirting blatantly and then dissing the wives whenever she gets a chance. Thankfully, we have now moved hundreds of miles away from this person and she has not nearly the access to my darling hubby she did. However, I recently (by accident because he left it up on my computer) found out that he had been corresponding with her by email. I didn't want to know it. He seems to still think she is his ideal, although he loves me and our two children. He talks about getting together with her when both their spouses die, something I find very upsetting. Her replies to him have been friendly but not that interested, but she usually throws in something that keeps him looking for this love affair that was never there. He told me once that they did try to make it something more than friends, but it didn't work out and she really wasn't interested in him. He, on the other hand, carried a torch for her for years and kept seeing her after she married someone else because SHE instigated it -- her husband works odd hours and she was "bored". I finally had to tell him that I didn't wish to see her or hear her name mentioned ever again, because of things she had done when I was out of our home at church or other appointments. I also felt that she was a major cause of dissension between us. I prefer to try and treat him with positive reinforcement. He doesn't know that I know about this and I choose not to make it a fight and a big issue. Still, I cannot deny that I am very hurt by the knowledge that he has kept in touch with her this past year since our move. If she were a decent woman, she would realize that she owes her own husband a great deal more respect and that this correspondence must stop. However, I cannot hope for decency on her part, so I figure I can only kill her memory with loving kindness. He never had from her what he thinks he had, but he HAS had a very loving relationship with me and will continue to do so if I can help it. I would like some ideas on how to get this woman out of his life without contacting her (wouldn't do any good and she would probably tell him all about it) or letting on to him and perhaps having a big unnecessary fight. Any pertinent suggestions would be helpful. Thanks. First, I would like to say that you are a much better woman than I am. I don't believe I could be so understanding. My only advice is love your husband but don't let him hurt you. I would definitly bring up the e-mailing. You don't have to fight, just talk about how it makes you feel and if he loves you he will listen. I wouldn't contact her because it will only cause more problems. And truthfully, it has nothing to do with her it is between you and your husband. She and other women like her need to understand that a marriage is something sacred and they have no place trying to be a part of it. Hope everything works out for you, you sound like a wonderful person. |
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November 16, 2007, 1:36 pm PST
Quote From: dixiebrit Old flames are great if you are both single and free, but when others (spouses, children) are involved, perhaps they should fade into the background gracefully. Sure, we all have a history, myself included. I had a wonderful boyfriend years ago. We were very close and came close to being more than just dates occassionally. However, once he married another woman, I stayed out of his life. Even though he was miserable (and several mutual friends informed me of this), I stayed out of it. It was not my place to mess with his marriage. Now that he is divorced, he has contacted me, but I am no longer free. I have been friendly, but not taken it back to what it was, simply because I have a greater interest in being honest with my husband. He is the man I made my vows with and who has the right to expect my fidelity. I will always give him this. Another problem I have is that my husband has a "flame" in his past that never really got started. It never ceases to amaze me to know that my husband is crazy about this woman, now married with two children, who has never really given him the fulfillment that he thinks she has. She is the most coniving and self-serving person I have ever met, and pretty much kept him on the string, both before and after our marriage, as a her "boyfriend in a jar" for whenever she was bored or wanted someone to do something for her. She buddied up to my mother-in-law in order to secure a bequest in the will. She is totally faithful to her husband as far as the actual sex act is concerned, but has few female friends because she always cozies up to their hubbies in order to get loads of attention. She is the type of woman most women hate -- rubbing her body up and down to get attention and asking every male in the room if she looks too fat having recently given birth, etc., flirting blatantly and then dissing the wives whenever she gets a chance. Thankfully, we have now moved hundreds of miles away from this person and she has not nearly the access to my darling hubby she did. However, I recently (by accident because he left it up on my computer) found out that he had been corresponding with her by email. I didn't want to know it. He seems to still think she is his ideal, although he loves me and our two children. He talks about getting together with her when both their spouses die, something I find very upsetting. Her replies to him have been friendly but not that interested, but she usually throws in something that keeps him looking for this love affair that was never there. He told me once that they did try to make it something more than friends, but it didn't work out and she really wasn't interested in him. He, on the other hand, carried a torch for her for years and kept seeing her after she married someone else because SHE instigated it -- her husband works odd hours and she was "bored". I finally had to tell him that I didn't wish to see her or hear her name mentioned ever again, because of things she had done when I was out of our home at church or other appointments. I also felt that she was a major cause of dissension between us. I prefer to try and treat him with positive reinforcement. He doesn't know that I know about this and I choose not to make it a fight and a big issue. Still, I cannot deny that I am very hurt by the knowledge that he has kept in touch with her this past year since our move. If she were a decent woman, she would realize that she owes her own husband a great deal more respect and that this correspondence must stop. However, I cannot hope for decency on her part, so I figure I can only kill her memory with loving kindness. He never had from her what he thinks he had, but he HAS had a very loving relationship with me and will continue to do so if I can help it. I would like some ideas on how to get this woman out of his life without contacting her (wouldn't do any good and she would probably tell him all about it) or letting on to him and perhaps having a big unnecessary fight. Any pertinent suggestions would be helpful. Thanks. Hi,
This woman is a wiesel and not to be trusted..........I have dealt with the likes of her in my own marriage.
My husbands ex girlfriend befriended my MIL and tried to weasle her way into my life. She popped up at our wedding (as an invitation from my MIL)...........she was also invited to dinner with us (invited by MIL unbeknown to us). What kind of desperate looser does this? It is SO inappropriate.
I have to say, I think men are a little naive in this situation. They have no idea that these women are conniving and finding ways to stay in touch just in case they become available.
You have no choice but to sit your husband down and explain to him carmly and rationally about how you feel about this women continually asserting herself into your his life. Be honest and loving about it. In my case my husband and I decided that we had no control over our MIL however we did have control over what we did. We decided that whenever she was invited to a function and came to chat with him I would ignore her and be the life of the party whilst we had our arms around each other and got very "physical" in her presence. Don't shy away like a wall flower,,,,,,you have to show her that you and your husband are united and she has no place in your life.
Get your husband on your side and fast!!!!!!!!! If he can't respect your relationship enough to do this then I would definitely suggest councelling. In my opinion it is a betrayal of your relationship. You'll feel alot better once it is out in the open. Don't fail too approach it because you are afraid of confrontation with your husband. Shying away from issues in your relationship that are important too you will just make things worse for you in the long run.
Best of luck |
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