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January 12, 2006, 12:32 pm PST
You are not a freak.
Quote From: justweirdI won't bother getting into what happened to me because I'll just get too upset anyway. I don't remember just about anything before the age of 11, but what I do remember is vile. I'll leave it at that. I have post traumatic stress, severe anxiety, and dissociative identity disorder. I've been in therapy for years. It actually took several years for the DID/MPD to be diagnosed, and another couple of years for me to accept that diagnosis. I had no idea before then.
I can't go anywhere or do normal things. I'm jealous of people who take for granted their freedom to go places without fear. I can't have anyone behind me. I always have to be able to see an exit, and that exit has better not be blocked or else I feel trapped. I can't stand to be touched, so I avoid doctors unless I am deathly ill. I've needed certain medical tests for a long time, and I shudder to think about them, let alone actually get them done. Certain sights, smells and sounds are triggering also. The only way to avoid freaking out (having flashbacks and/or abreactions) in public, is to just not go anywhere if I can help it. Earplugs are my best friend.
I can't tell anyone what I am dealing with because nobody understands. I can count on one hand the number of people who know about my diagnosis, and that includes my shrinks, my doctor, my boss, and my son. Nobody else knows what a freak I really am. You are not a freak. I may not know what your diagnosis is but I to have been abused as a child by my stepmother. She to was mentally, physically and verbally abusesive. Just take it one day at time. And keep talking about it. It will get easier as time goes by. But you need to keep talking about it to people who understand. I hope that one day you will feel better and you are in my thoughts and my prayers. S.K.
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