Replies to '03/17 Kids Ask Dr. Phil'

Here is one for you.  I am a step mom with no children of my own.  I all of the sudden had a 2 1/2 year old and 7 year old.  For some reason, their mom and I became close, in fact we have formed sort of a family unit.  Her new child, calls us his second home.  He keeps his turtle in our basment so he can visit it every other week when his stepdad comes to get the girls.  He also taks his dad to visit.  

I really think you should talk to your dad, or someone at school.  Maybe she does not realize what she is doing.  I know sometimes I got into a habit of going to our basement to work, due to my job.  I also would close my door just to watch a show.  Then I realized that wow, there are things they like that I also like.  I hate to play games, but I love to shop!!  I hate to sit and watch them play games, or look at things on the pc, but in a heart beat I will take you to lunch, or I will sit down and watch a movie with you.  I will sit in our basement with the dogs with you all evening, talk watch tv, what ever you want.  

I learned that they did not pick me, their dad picked me, they are stuck with me.  So you have to find a way to her heart, maybe she thinks the same as you.  Maybe she has fallen into a pattern and not realized.  It has been 7 years for me, yes there have been hard times.  But most of them have been great times!  I would not change anything.  Sometimes us adults get stupid and just think well you just want to do your own thing, but you really just sometimes to talk to us.  Try this, sit her down, talk to her, let her know that you want to be a happy family not looking forward to your move out.  Let her know that you want to get to know her and you want her to get to know you.  It might take time, but I had the support of their mother in the first few months of moving in with their dad.  She was there for me to talk to, she was there for me to say, hey I don't like to do this, but I like this....so we came to an agreement, I will take you shopping, be here if you need to talk.  Cause she likes that game thing!!  

maybe give your dad a heads up, let him know, he might not even realize what is going on.  Work on this full circle, and try to involve your other set of parents if that is possible.  I think sometimes its harder for an adult to act like one than what we expect from you.  I wish you luck....  Don't them put you in the middle if you try to involve both sides.  I can tell you, getting to know my husbands ex has been the best thing I ever had done to understand these girls.  Its hard sometimes to co-parent, but sometimes you have to remind them that you were made from love, and that love might be gone, but the love they had for you will always be there.  So they must stand up and put you first!  

My stepgirls are happy, they know I am here for them, they know I will back them, and that I love them 

Have you talked to your father about this?   

When I was about 12, that's when I met my step-father.  He was anal--in fact, everything had to be done perfectly, or he would throw a fit.  It got to the point where my mother actually told him something like "I raised my children.  I didn't raise you.  I love you, but I didn't raise you.  I could divorce your ass."  Since then, he's been a lot more laid back.  I'm 26 now, and he's actually been more of a father to me than my real father had been.  My real father didn't keep his promises, said he would go to my sister's 8th grade graduation, and never showed up.  On his weekends for visitation rights, he backed out. 

In any case, your best bet would be to talk to your father.  Let him know how you perceive your step-mom is feeling about you.  Failing that, try talking to a guidance counselor at school.  Failing that, ask your father if you could speak to a counselor outside the school system.   

I am a stepmother and I wonder if your stepmother is the whole problem or are you contributing to it as well.  Take a moment and do some soul searching, is she really a monster or are you angry because your Dad remarried and treat your stepmom like crap. 

I married my husband when his daughter was seven, at first she did treat me pretty rotten even though I was doing everything in my power to get along with her. I finally just ask her what the problem was and she said she didn't like her Daddy paying attention to me.  So now when she is over I always make myself scarce for a few hours so she can have her Daddy all to herself for a while.  

Now when she starts showing her butt I just tell het to knock it off and that does the trick. 

Misty 

you just need to set her down and say i dont want you to talk i just want you to listen.  i did that to my mom when i was young and she still talks about it.  sometimes moms need to know that you are there and that you have a voice and a brain.  you need to tell her that you dont apprieciate the way that you have been treated and that it needs to stop.  i do know that there are two sides to every story, maybe it would be a good idea it you were to make compromises on some of the things that you disagree on. you also need to talk to your dad about this, she is your STEP MOM not your mom and she shouldnt be disiplining you at all.  i have a 3 year old step daughter who has been living with her grandparents since birth and they have said terrible things about me so she treats me terrible she wont listen when i talk to her even when i am being nice and trying to have fun it is really frustrating for me.  i do not displine her that is her dads job not mine i am just there for her to have fun with.  that is how your step mom needs to be with you.  i am sure that your step mom feels threatened by you, that you will take some attention from your father.  i would get your dad and her together and go over this with both of them your dad is to blame for not putting a stop to this.  things will get better.