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Replies to 'Addiction Support'
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January 16, 2006, 10:24 am PST
 Quote From: 2004vette Hi again. I have been checking this board every day to see if you would reply. You sounded so very much like me that it was like looking into a mirror. I felt like maybe there was some hope that we could somehow help each other get through this. I have tried so many times to stop, but it is so difficult. I hate to drink, but I love to drink. I also think that maybe I can drink "just one or two", and sometimes I am successful (when in public). But then there are times that I go off the deep end and don't know my limit. I would love to find a way to drink in moderation, because when I don't go crazy with it I can relax, feel sociable, feel happy. The other times are the times when I fall, say stupid things, cause fights with the ones I love, get sick, black out, break things, etc. You get the point. I have tried 3 times in rehab (not court ordered or anything, just because I wanted help for myself), AA, hypnotherapy, and quitting 'cold turkey'. I have even tried this drug called "naltrexone", which was prescribed to me by a doctor and was supposed to take away the cravings. It works as long as you stay on it, but as soon as the 30 day period was up, I went right back to drinking. I get so disgusted with myself. I am otherwise a very strong willed, educated woman who should be able to beat this thing. Before I ramble anymore, let me tell you how I found you and this message board. It took me a couple of days to read the message boards about Lisa, from the show "Living on the Edge". I am new to this on line message stuff, and I don't think I have ever even seen a chat room. But after seeing that show, I just HAD to get onto Dr. Phil's site and read more about the show. I felt compelled to write something and to just sit there for half of the afternoon reading and responding to posts. Lisa scared me. I do not want to end up like that. If you saw the show, you could see how she trembled and had so many physical problems due to her alcoholism. Boy, if I end up like that I don't know what I would do. While I was responding to posts, a nice member suggested that I try this board, so I did. And voila'-there you were. Anyway, I hope I did not sound too judgmental. I was just trying to get you to realize that you (like me) need to stop doing what you are doing. Believe me, I am no sober person myself. I just drank 2 days ago again. Now it's time to climb back up on the wagon, go to the gym, and get myself to an AA meeting. I hope what I say helps you in some way. I just wish that I could help myself stay PERMANENTLY away from this poison. Take care... Howdy. If I could just interject for a minute here....
First, I went through a lot of what you've mentioned and I recently celebrated 15 years of sobriety.
This may sound a bit harsh (and I apologize it if does, but I speak the truth) I think your problem is that you are going about this with "half measures" (as AA would call it). And the most recent example of this is that you say you've been hanging around a message board waiting to hear from someone who is probably very well intentioned, but is still drinking like yourself. What "help" can each of you give the other? Sure, you can trade war stories and talk about your feelings....but that won't get this monkey off your back.
Like you, I saw a lot of myself in Lisa, particularly those scenes where she was shaking as she drank from the bottle. I have been there and I have done that. In fact, my last binge before rehab actually resulted in "broken tolerance", which is this bizarre situation where one's dependency level is actually higher than the tolerance level. In other words, I was in withdrawal, but drinking vodka straight out of the bottle didn't help. It wasn't just scary - it was terrifying beyond words.
I do think you have a pretty good grasp of where you're headed, which is a good start. But if you want the truth, I don't think you're quite scared enough yet. A lot of the things you've tried (and it makes me mad that you've had to go through this, since I believe there are so many whackjobs out there trying to treat this disease!) are simply shortcuts that rarely work.
So I see you in a place where you want to want to get sober. (It reminds me of myself and smoking -- I wish I wanted to quit, because it won't work unless I do. And I don't).
I do think a support group like AA offers you the best chance. But do you see that there's a huge difference between saying on a message board that you "need to get" to an AA meeting and actually getting to one?
During the last stages of my drinking, I started shaking after about 6 hours without a drink. But if you've gone 2 days already, you might not be that dependent yet and therefore not need detox. But what you do need is some form of treatment (possibly outpatient, if you can't get into a center) and a support group like AA.
But nothing will work until you decide you're willing to put sobriety ahead of everything else in your life and you're willing to go to whatever lengths are necessary to achieve it. As they say in AA, recovery is a process, not an event.
I wish I knew the magic words to get someone to that point. I've tried many times. But it has to come from you and you alone. You literally have to wake up one morning and say "enough". |
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