Replies to 'Bipolar Disorder'

I have been sitting here reading some of these messages and I am so scared for my children. Sometimes I can be on this computer for all day trying to understand this illness and I just get more and more confused. I am learning eveyone is so different and this illness is complex to say the least. I feel like I am going crazy my self. I lost a daughter to suicide 3-16-2004.  She struggled every day from this illness and she would go on and off of meds since she was 13 yrs old. She finally gave up when she was 23 yrs old. She was so tired and worn out. I understand how treatment sometimes doesn't help. I have a fiftheen yr old son who is currently in residential now for the second time. He went when he was 9 yrs old and they had him on so many different meds that he was almost  a walking dead person. They misdiagnosed him so many times. This time he in the beginning of  Dec, 2005 he poured gas on himself and was going to set himself on fire. He is very angry and mean and has been all his life. They now say his primary problem is Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Unspecified,  Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder NOS, this is a secondary problem, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, secondary also, and Bipolar 1 secondary too. ALL THIS SCARES ME! I really don't want to bury another child. Sometime when I see my son I am scared of what I say and do. It seems like he thinks eveything is my fault. My son who is 23 yrs old right now is currently in jail. He medicates himself with street drugs. 2 weeks ago he called me and told me he was wanting to cut himself (he does this quite often) I talked him thru it this time. He is also very sucidal and won't go get help. I dont' like feeling better when I know one of my children are in jail or treatment because I know they are safe. Its a hard way to live. I also have a 18 yr old who is a senior in high school. He excels in baseball. He has been diagnosed with mild bipolar in Dec. 2004. He wanted to commit suicide and be with his sister. They put him on Lexapro and Depakote. He got off these meds 6 months ago and was doing fine until the problems with his brothers started again. He asked me if I could try to get him back on meds again. I am calling the doctor as soon as the open. He does alot better when he is playing baseball off season is hard on him. He is looking into a college that plays all year round. As you can tell it seems like bipolar hits people is so many different ways and there is so much to understand. I feel like I am trying 24 hrs a day trying to keep my children ALIVE! If somebody can help with some information It would be very much appretiated.