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Replies to '01/26 Shopping Intervention: The Aftermath'
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January 26, 2006, 8:14 am PST
 Quote From: patches23 Michael - you are an intelligent person but like you say, out of control. I was married to a man who had the same rage as you show. My kids and I never knew when he was going to blow up - we walked on eggs every day. He made our lives pretty miserable. He didn't use foul language but he was loud, he scared our kids when they were little with his booming voice. He took the joy out of so much of my life from playing cards or games - he always had to win; he complained about spending money at holidays, going to a movie - he'd complain about the cost of popcorn. I dreaded having him go with me anywhere, I just wanted to enjoy myself.
He passed away very suddenly 9 years ago. My kids are all grown and in their 30's but they are still dealing with issues that weren't resolved when he was alive. We all loved my husband/their father but we didn't like him very much. A friend of his asked me why I stayed in such an abusive marriage. I told him if it bothered him so much, maybe he ought to tell my husband how he was behaving because it didn't do me any good to say anything. My husband had a way of making everything someone else's fault, usually me or the kids. I threatened to leave him 6 months before he died - that opened his eyes and he did start to change. I felt so much anger after he died because after almost 30 years of marriage, he was finally being nice to me and I felt cheated that we didn't have a chance to enjoy each other and appreciate each other more.
My daughter recently asked me about my favorite Christmas. I told her about several and asked her what was her favorite. She replied "I don't have any, dad (my husband) took the fun out of everything". How sad that was to hear.
Please Michael, change your ways and appreciate and love your family. If you were to die tomorrow, all these unresolved issues will eat at your wife and children as they have my family. They will wonder how it could have been if you made the effort. Please, please make the effort and make their life worth living. I too was married to such a man. I left him after almost 25 yrs of marriage and I am remarried. I am basically happy but the new husband does have some anger issues but through what I learned from the other marrieage it will never get that bad. My first husband was a screamer. You never knew when he would get home what he would yell about. One day the bikes were on the sidewalk so he would yell to put them in the lawn. The next day the stupid bikes were going to ruin the grass. The neighbors told me one day that the took bets to see what would set him off. He usually picked on one child at a time. When he got tired of that yelling at that one he would move on to the next. My biggest regret is that I couldn't change the way he treated our one son. Our son has some medical problems and can not work like his dad would like him too and so he gives him the same treatment that the dad on todays show gave his son. It is heartbreaking. My son now lives out of the house but the woulnds are still there. Any suggestions on how to build up his self esteem. When I am with my kids we joke about there dads temper now but so much of it hurts. He showed them one time how to recycle bottles. He took them too the yards and stomped on them. I have been away from this man for 6 yrs but it still hurts me. I can only imagine how the kids must feel. |
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January 26, 2006, 11:52 am PST
Quote From: patches23 Michael - you are an intelligent person but like you say, out of control. I was married to a man who had the same rage as you show. My kids and I never knew when he was going to blow up - we walked on eggs every day. He made our lives pretty miserable. He didn't use foul language but he was loud, he scared our kids when they were little with his booming voice. He took the joy out of so much of my life from playing cards or games - he always had to win; he complained about spending money at holidays, going to a movie - he'd complain about the cost of popcorn. I dreaded having him go with me anywhere, I just wanted to enjoy myself.
He passed away very suddenly 9 years ago. My kids are all grown and in their 30's but they are still dealing with issues that weren't resolved when he was alive. We all loved my husband/their father but we didn't like him very much. A friend of his asked me why I stayed in such an abusive marriage. I told him if it bothered him so much, maybe he ought to tell my husband how he was behaving because it didn't do me any good to say anything. My husband had a way of making everything someone else's fault, usually me or the kids. I threatened to leave him 6 months before he died - that opened his eyes and he did start to change. I felt so much anger after he died because after almost 30 years of marriage, he was finally being nice to me and I felt cheated that we didn't have a chance to enjoy each other and appreciate each other more.
My daughter recently asked me about my favorite Christmas. I told her about several and asked her what was her favorite. She replied "I don't have any, dad (my husband) took the fun out of everything". How sad that was to hear.
Please Michael, change your ways and appreciate and love your family. If you were to die tomorrow, all these unresolved issues will eat at your wife and children as they have my family. They will wonder how it could have been if you made the effort. Please, please make the effort and make their life worth living. I understand and can appreciate your feelings. What I can not understand is why you stayed in such an unhealthy relationship for so many years???? You said you threatened to leave him 6 months before his passing, and that he began to change, to become nicer to you. So why didn't you threaten to leave him years before? I know that it is difficult to leave a marriage, especially with children, but to allow someone to have that much control over your life is just so sad. I sincerely hope you and your children will seek help with your issues surrounding this abusive relationship.
I too was abused. Therapy literally saved my life! It gave me the tools I needed to stand up for myself and to rid myself of my abuser. I will pray for you and your family and I wish you happiness. |
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January 26, 2006, 12:37 pm PST
Quote From: patches23 Michael - you are an intelligent person but like you say, out of control. I was married to a man who had the same rage as you show. My kids and I never knew when he was going to blow up - we walked on eggs every day. He made our lives pretty miserable. He didn't use foul language but he was loud, he scared our kids when they were little with his booming voice. He took the joy out of so much of my life from playing cards or games - he always had to win; he complained about spending money at holidays, going to a movie - he'd complain about the cost of popcorn. I dreaded having him go with me anywhere, I just wanted to enjoy myself.
He passed away very suddenly 9 years ago. My kids are all grown and in their 30's but they are still dealing with issues that weren't resolved when he was alive. We all loved my husband/their father but we didn't like him very much. A friend of his asked me why I stayed in such an abusive marriage. I told him if it bothered him so much, maybe he ought to tell my husband how he was behaving because it didn't do me any good to say anything. My husband had a way of making everything someone else's fault, usually me or the kids. I threatened to leave him 6 months before he died - that opened his eyes and he did start to change. I felt so much anger after he died because after almost 30 years of marriage, he was finally being nice to me and I felt cheated that we didn't have a chance to enjoy each other and appreciate each other more.
My daughter recently asked me about my favorite Christmas. I told her about several and asked her what was her favorite. She replied "I don't have any, dad (my husband) took the fun out of everything". How sad that was to hear.
Please Michael, change your ways and appreciate and love your family. If you were to die tomorrow, all these unresolved issues will eat at your wife and children as they have my family. They will wonder how it could have been if you made the effort. Please, please make the effort and make their life worth living. I can empathize with your daughter and your family.
Living in a house with an Abusive man.......is hell.
Holidays come and go..........and so does the feeling of dread.
It got to a point, where I didn't even want a Christmas tree. The fun was gone. The holiday ruined yet again, by my husband. Ruined as his father before him ruined theirs .......in husband's family of origin. He chose the same behavior.
It was hell.
Living with an ABUSER is hell.
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January 26, 2006, 7:26 pm PST
Quote From: patches23 Michael - you are an intelligent person but like you say, out of control. I was married to a man who had the same rage as you show. My kids and I never knew when he was going to blow up - we walked on eggs every day. He made our lives pretty miserable. He didn't use foul language but he was loud, he scared our kids when they were little with his booming voice. He took the joy out of so much of my life from playing cards or games - he always had to win; he complained about spending money at holidays, going to a movie - he'd complain about the cost of popcorn. I dreaded having him go with me anywhere, I just wanted to enjoy myself.
He passed away very suddenly 9 years ago. My kids are all grown and in their 30's but they are still dealing with issues that weren't resolved when he was alive. We all loved my husband/their father but we didn't like him very much. A friend of his asked me why I stayed in such an abusive marriage. I told him if it bothered him so much, maybe he ought to tell my husband how he was behaving because it didn't do me any good to say anything. My husband had a way of making everything someone else's fault, usually me or the kids. I threatened to leave him 6 months before he died - that opened his eyes and he did start to change. I felt so much anger after he died because after almost 30 years of marriage, he was finally being nice to me and I felt cheated that we didn't have a chance to enjoy each other and appreciate each other more.
My daughter recently asked me about my favorite Christmas. I told her about several and asked her what was her favorite. She replied "I don't have any, dad (my husband) took the fun out of everything". How sad that was to hear.
Please Michael, change your ways and appreciate and love your family. If you were to die tomorrow, all these unresolved issues will eat at your wife and children as they have my family. They will wonder how it could have been if you made the effort. Please, please make the effort and make their life worth living. We've been through the same thing in some ways. Financially, not close...check those ceilings during the show! However, the message is the same. Dads, make your woman the most precious thing you live for (aside from your own spiritual being) and your children will grow up with the values they need. Moms, cherish your man...you'll be with him long after your children leave you to establish their own lives. Understand it is your children's TASK to seperate from you when they approach puberty...LET THEM!!!!! It's hard...it's life. My daughter was killed when she was 21...cell phone while driving issue. It was a clear night, everyone had their seatbelts on, and there was no alcohol involved. I've spoken in Washington, DC since then with the perspective that we need education and research on the issue. My greatest fear at the time was that we may divorce (stats demonstrated such). I learned, deeper than being a nurse, how to adjust to life events! I have an alturistic view now. Money has to do with how we can help others. Our time is MORE valuable. Use it wisely...VOLUNTEER in your community! Make a difference ~Joyce |
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