Replies to 'Depression'

I live in Tasmania, Australia, the home of Taz Devil - he really doesn't eat his way through the fridge - actually eats dead things - fur, bones & all. But they're so cute (& smelly.) But now, back to me. In November last year whilst 7.5 months pregnant my home burnt down. A week later my 2 children were taken into foster care & 5 weeks later I had a baby & whilst still in hospital welfare put a care & protection order out on him. All there nonsense is based on what my ex has told them & not based in fact - except that my house was messy. I take anti-depressants every day, sometimes twice a day. I'm desperately trying to hold myself together for the babys' sake - he's now 7.5 months old & so cute & good. Some days all I want to do is stay warm in bed & sleep, but I have to get up & tend to him. My depression really started 12 years ago when my premature baby died in my arms when he was an hour & a half old. My ex refused to take me to councelling for my grief, but went himself (I couldn't drive & there was no public transport where we lived) Years later this monster snarls at me that Aarons life & death meant nothing to him. He didn't even come & sit with us when he was slowly dying. I was all alone. Even through our relationship I was on my own. When our house burnt down the first thing my 13yo son did after the fire was put out was go inside to see if his brothers ashes & photos had survived. they didn't. Now, he's lost a 2nd brother thanks to his father & welfare taking the kids away from us. & this is the first time I've cried for our loss. I haven;t let myself up until now. I get to the edge of tears & then deliberately think of something else. I feel my life would be so different if Aaron had lived. Losing my home of 9 years meant nothing to me, because we were all together & all safe - except for the memories of Aaron. My sister has a photo of him but that was taken after he died - the ones I had were taken while he was alive. I miss that little boy so much & I love all my children so dearly, but now 3 of them are missing. I still have 100% care of the baby & the other 2 from Thursday to Sunday, but I need them to be here & they need to be here too. How could welfare be so cruel & let them lose everything in the space of a week. How is that caring for or protecting them. The system isn't right. & now they send them for holidays to their father who's a paedophile. Since my daughter was 2 he's wondered how sexually attractive she'll be & although a whold range of people have made complaints to the police about him nothing's been done to stop him or bring him to justice. No wonder people don't make complaints. I'm so worried that I'll end up back in the hole I was in 5 years ago when I was sleeping 16 hours a day & just not wanting to face the world. Now, thanks to the wonderful baby Rob, I have to get up, greet the sun & smell the roses, ok, it's winter, so I'm smelling the daffodils. If it wasn't for Rob, I'd be curled up in a ball on my bed, crying my little heart out. Thankyou, Rob, for all that you are & for making my life & family complete