Replies to '06/26 Twisted Love'

It is really really difficult to tell people the secret needs and desires one has. So many people have repressive, guilt ridden feelings about their own sexuality and feel that being open and honest about their sexuality would make them unlovable.  Your partner took the big risk of telling you the things he would really like to do-that is really scary in a relationship.  Have you told him YOUR secrets too? 

Once you know what each of you desire, then it is just a matter of negotiating ways to meet those desires. There are lots of options, from role playing to trading nights to opening your marriage to others. If you both are committed to making each other happy, you can find a solution.  

We have developed some rules for problem solving communications that help us find answers to our problems:  

1. It is important to understand each other well-to know where each other's sensitivities are.  When you are calm and reasonable is the time to talk about your triggers and how they affect you. It is hard to tell someone the doubts and fears that trigger insecurity. After all...you are insecure about them.  This step is hard but it is important. You can agree that you will always be sure not to touch on certain things. You want to communicate not wound.
2. It is best to wait until anger and upset fades to discuss relationship issues. Set a meeting time for when you will be rested, relaxed and not rushed. Sometimes we prepare for a communication meeting by making love :)
3. The first step is for both of you to identify the problems. Be prepared for your partner's problem(s) NOT to be the same as yours. At this meeting, make it your goal to completely understand all aspects of HIS problem and have him try his best to understand yours.
4. You are trying to understand here-not defend yourself or blame the other. Don't do any 'historical' talks. Looking backwards with blame or recriminations is pointless and wastes precious time and emotional energy. You may want to skewer him with exactly WHY you have been cold and distant, but focus instead on defining the problem from his point of view and understanding his needs and explaining your own to him.
5. Once you are able to explain to him his problem to him and he can do the same for you-you understand the problem(s). Now take a break of 2-3 days. You have to digest the information and get over any anger or hurt that arose thus far. This is the crucial step-don't rush to solutions.
6. Once you feel ready to meet again,  brainstorm for ideas that will solve the problems. The only rule with this phase is that you have to solve all of the problems, not just your own. Don't evaluate the answers, just generate them.  Dream here, make the perfect answers, make ugly answers, make up any answer that solves the problems. The answer you don't say because it is stupid may just be the idea he needs to hit on a good solution.
7. Take some time to explore the options. Check out the costs, available resources, think about them, maybe consult anyone that might be affected.
8. Then choose one solution to try out. Give yourselves a time period to try out this solution-a day, a week , a month.  After the time is up, meet to evaluate how it worked.

Tell him to take up jogging or buy a field and have him plow it by hand.   

There are other outlets for physical activity other then sex.   

Linda 

If he really loved you he wouldn't say if you don't give me what I want I am going to find it somewhere else...I would say go ahead and don't the door hit your ass on the way out.  There are things my husband would like for me to do that I have said nope not comfortable with that and he says alright if he would Evan threaten or say I will go find it somewhere else he knows his ass would be kicked to the curb.  Or better yet swingers club you say then tell him okay long as its two guys for me....take care and I wish you luck. 

Have you considered asking your husband how he would feel about you kissing and enjoying another mans affections? 

Why is it that all these discussions seemingly one way? 

How would he feel if he see that you truly are enjoying another mans body, lips and what have you? 

What if you decided that you were in the same boat as he is and simply really bored with him, after-all he is the one past his sexual prime and you are just entering into it. 

As far as sex, never do anything you are uncomfortable with. 

When your husband married you he accepted you for the term of his life under contract with God and putting all others aside allowing no one to put this marriage under. 

Ask yourself if God could make something as wonderful as you how could you allow anyone to treat you as  anything less then you that you are? 

Remember who you are, that you are loved and sex is not the commodity that you will be purchased with! 

I wish you marriage well.  

In reading your response,  I would like to say you have many choices.  It is a selfish desire no matter how you sum it up. Personal satisfaction is just that. How would he feel if you where asking the same of you? 

TLC is priceless gift be kind and true to yourself first.  Not even considering how it would make another feel, is selfish. Suspecting in which this is being asked of you,  may there be more to it? The internet is a super highway of unlimited access and  endless information, oblivious end users can still curtail certain computer habits. This is may not be the case.  

There are wonderful books between (Borders and Amazon) on how to spice up things (so to speak) in a marriage. The only spice that is really needed though is a sincere love for compassion!