Replies to '06/27 Cut 'Em Off!'

I understand where you are coming from, I am the Mother of a 35 year old successful wife, mother, and employee.  She may have been an only child but she still had to Babysit, part time jobs and etc while in High School.  When she went off to college, we put her on an allowance for expenses each month (excluding books).  She begin to complain about money and we told her she was not getting any more cash from us.  Guess what? She got a part time job for extra spending money --- it taught her what is her responsibility and that she had to work for the things she wanted (or thought she wanted).  She is a absolutely fantastic adult and successful and very budget conscious.  I am so glad we put some rules down.

I don't think Dr. Phil is saying not to be a safe haven for you children to always feel they have a home, but there are people who take advantage of your generosity and kindness and expand upon it.  If your daughter were capable of taking care of herself, but refused to, you would probably take care of her because of your maternal instinct to always protect your kids; but that's not necessarily the most loving thing you can do.  My 51 year old brother was taken care of by our parents, now they're both gone, and his 22 year old daughter and her husband take care of him, because he can't and won't take care of himself.  My father berated himself for not making him stand on his own 2 feet and be a man, and how he thought he's squandering his life.  Parents do the best they can for their children, but at some point, you have to let them go to make a life of their own, which they NEED to do if they want to be proud to contribute back into their own lives and society.  On the other side, my parents lived with my husband and I until they died, and I wouldn't trade that for the world; however it also caused financial, emotional, and physical burdens upon my husband and I.  There's a difference in a welcoming safe home, and a crutch to keep from living up to your potential.

I agree with the first two replies to your post, but I want to emphasize one other thing. One reply mentioned that children 'NEED to make a good life of their own". So true. But it's your job as a parent to raise your children so they have the skills necessary to do that. With some kids, that means giving them a boot in the backside because, like many people, they will only do something if they feel it's necessary. It's your job to make it necessary. 

  

By all means, make your home a welcoming and safe place. But your daughter should want to make a welcoming and safe place of her own. 

  

It doesn't sound like you're going to have a problem. If your daughter is as responsible and considerate as you say, she most likely will go out on her own because she'll want to make her own life. It's part of her responsibility to herself. 

  

I understand your thoughts but I think Dr. Phil is addressing a different group altogether.  

  

Your daughter is going off to school to get an education and will come home often in the next four years to visit and enjoy being with you. That's not mooching.  

been there my daughter is very independent and knows our home is welcome to her and her man and baby.  she is now 21 and i am so proud of her. i would love to see my grandaughter more but i do a little. my youngest  children are 5 (twins) and a 9 yr old daughter a step son  of 10 i couldnt close the  door on any of my family i am prent to my boyfriends nephew and just took in my sisters boy. my plate is full. what would happen if it was empty? i once was a work a holic now i try to solve my problems and everyone elses. i cant work  anymore. so i stay surrounded by children an lots of activities.  very hectic