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Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'
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January 31, 2006, 4:02 pm PST
 Quote From: marcia52 I've been really scared since I cut out the job fair ad out of the paper. I've been telling myself over and over again how safe I am. That I am okay. I feel like a loser .. I know better ... it's just my old old tapes running amok ... Just old habits that I've written over the years and live to without ever knowing they are playing.
I slept thru the alarm this morning, had to read my emails on yahoo, and then fiddled around before I finally took my shower and got dressed. then I lost the ad in my car and couldn't find ... found it ... parked my car and walked in ... I was like the youngest person in the room (they are looking for 50+ folks) ...
I put in for 3 jobs and they have a real part-time job available too. I'm going to send my resume in ... just as soon as I put one together ... and of course, I'm just not doing it.
It's just so hard dealing with habits isn't it? I've done so much work on myself, I really felt I had taken major steps in my life and here I am shaking in my boots ... what if I'm too overly qualified ... what if I don't qualify ... what if ...
I really got damaged working .... I have little or no self-confidence ... I feel ... like I'm worthless again. It's just a habit ... I'm just glad that I can see it for what it is cause I'm picking myself up and doing it. It's hard, it feels awful .. I wasn't able to eat for hours today ... I'm not sure I want to eat ...
It's not as bad as last May or August ... I know what is happening and I'm writing new tapes / new memories ... I will focus tonite when I go to bed on how well I did today! I am rather proud of me.
One day, I will laugh at me now. I know it ... it gives me strength. Take it easy on yourself. I am reading the progress your making and now you know that it's the old tapes. Yep their going to pop up, but just keep popping them baCK DOWN.
Just keep telling yourself that YOUR Worth it.
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February 4, 2006, 8:36 pm PST
Quote From: marcia52 I've been really scared since I cut out the job fair ad out of the paper. I've been telling myself over and over again how safe I am. That I am okay. I feel like a loser .. I know better ... it's just my old old tapes running amok ... Just old habits that I've written over the years and live to without ever knowing they are playing.
I slept thru the alarm this morning, had to read my emails on yahoo, and then fiddled around before I finally took my shower and got dressed. then I lost the ad in my car and couldn't find ... found it ... parked my car and walked in ... I was like the youngest person in the room (they are looking for 50+ folks) ...
I put in for 3 jobs and they have a real part-time job available too. I'm going to send my resume in ... just as soon as I put one together ... and of course, I'm just not doing it.
It's just so hard dealing with habits isn't it? I've done so much work on myself, I really felt I had taken major steps in my life and here I am shaking in my boots ... what if I'm too overly qualified ... what if I don't qualify ... what if ...
I really got damaged working .... I have little or no self-confidence ... I feel ... like I'm worthless again. It's just a habit ... I'm just glad that I can see it for what it is cause I'm picking myself up and doing it. It's hard, it feels awful .. I wasn't able to eat for hours today ... I'm not sure I want to eat ...
It's not as bad as last May or August ... I know what is happening and I'm writing new tapes / new memories ... I will focus tonite when I go to bed on how well I did today! I am rather proud of me.
One day, I will laugh at me now. I know it ... it gives me strength. I can relate to what you’re saying about, “What If….” You’ve obviously come a long way since your last job experience. Your Old tapes are not helping. Have you considered another approach.? Try challenging the thinking. Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that could happen?” So you get in a difficult work situation or your negative fantasies/ ‘Worst Fears’ actualize. You know that you’re helping with the script writing, now. So, what is the worst thing that could happen? You may become uncomfortable but you aren’t someone else’s ‘impression’ of you. You’re you! You were looking for a job when you get hired for this new one, so if things don’t work, you have a new experience to add to your mental scrapbook and start looking for something that suits you better. The world won’t stop turning or come to an end. Your hair won’t vanish! ‘Take what you can use and leave the rest.’ That come straight out of 12 Step Groups. I have to remind myself in awkward positions that I’m NOT a summary of someone else’s opinion of me. I’m actually ME!My problem is in social situations. Every group situation I have been in since…I don’t know when. I just don’t know what to DO with myself! “What will others think.”(This one come STRAIGHT out of the mouth of my parents and the rest of the family.) While what my mother thinks isn’t something I linger with-I do tend to listen to my father. He is ALL about LOOKING good, even when essential issues go unaddressed. Even though I feel that my father is trying to help me in many ways. He has a very low opinion of me There is ALWAYS this very thinly veiled message that I’m a failure and that he’s embarrassed that I’m his daughter. I know that he loves me in his own way. It’s just that the message is ALWAYS THERE. “Careful…You’ll mess that up.”, “Watch where you’re going or you’ll trip and fall.” (I‘ve actually physically fallen about 4 times in my WHOLE adult life! I‘m not clumsy. I just feel clumsy around him.), “Here let me do that…you’re making a mess.”, "You're going to ruin that." I was always left to care for my mother, as a child and in that situation I didn’t manage a WHOLE lot of things well which resulted in embarrassment for my father. From his point of view I was constantly failing. He’s that way, now! It doesn’t really matter how successful I have been or ever will be…it won’t be good enough. My current problem is called Self Fulfilling Prophecy. I just can’t allow his negative assumptions to become MY reality. Since I’ve moved I have to FIND my support system!!!
Find your supports, supporters and your support system! This board is part of that system! Challenge the negative thinking!!!! Personally…I think you’re fabulous!!! Brenda :-) |
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