Replies to 'Co-Parenting'

My ex husband and I had a remarkably amicable divorce for 5 years, then he began dating the women who has since become his wife.  From the time my ex husband and I divorced we shared joint physical and legal custody of our daughter who was only 3 when we divorced.  We had the same custody schedule for that entire time.  From the moment my ex-husband began dating his current wife, my life was turned upside down.  Before she became part of his life, he consulted me on every decision that needed to be made for my daughter and I gave him the same respect.  He hadn't paid a dime of child support because as a working mother, I was proud of the fact that I could support my daughter on my own and believed that it demonstrated strength that she could be proud of.  The new girlfriend became a stay at home live in girlfriend and then a stay at home wife.  All of the sudden I was an "unfit" mother because I worked and needed daycare for my daughter after school, but HE was more fit to parent because SHE could pick up our daughter just after school.  I was unfit because I hired an in home tutor to help her with her homework after school until I got home at 6pm.  His interpretation was that I couldn't be bothered to help her with her homework, but his stay at home wife would be happy to take over the task my job prevented me from doing at the time.  He began making appointments with teachers and principles at her school without my knowledge and taking the then fiance to the meetings and told the school that I was an univolved, uniterested parent and that everything in regards to her school were to be directed at them.  He changed her schools without my permission because it was convenient for him and his new wife.  Not only did he not have my permission, but he had it in writing that I did not agree to the change.  He did it anyway and was allowed to because our school system only requires 1 parent signature to do so.  Their solution when I called them to find out how they could allow this to happen...just change her back.  She too, went on field trips, volunteered in my daughters class, and baked snacks for the kids at school.  SHE did it, not HE.  I don't understand why men think that because they find a wife that is willing to stay home and take care of their kids, this somehow makes them a better parent.  They did all of this in an effort to "prove" I was an unfit mother and gain full legal and physical custody of my daughter.  I get furious when stay at home mothers imply that they are somehow "better" mothers because they bake cookies for class.  Well, we working mothers bake cookies for class too, volunteer, help with homework, drive to ballet and swim classes, and hold down a full time job in the real world.  The most satisfying day of my life was when the court decided that I as a single working mother not only performed all the tasks and duties that they did together, but I did it better.  That's right...me the REAL mother...the one they called unfit.  Not only did I not lose custody, but the new custody agreement stated that if my ex-husband and his new wife were to continue in their behavior HE would lose custody.  It has been nearly a year since that decision was made.  I am happy to say that the "step-mom" has learned, by the courts nudging, to leave the parenting up to the parents.  Not once has she stepped foot to volunteer in my daughters classroom...unfortunately her father still hasn't either...since my victorious day.   I think she finally realized she had a son of her own that she might consider volunteering for.  You're right that mothers don't "let " a stepmother take over and push her out of the picture.  However, dating or even marrying a man that has children from a previous relationship does not make you a mother...no matter how many cookies you bake...and does not automatically give you the right to destroy a child's relationship with their parents.  Your role as a step parent should be to support a healthy loving relationship with both of the child's parents.  To support your new husband try to maintain a healthy, productive, co-parent relationship with the other parent.   

What right do you have to take over another woman's job of raising their children?  Not every woman has the self esteem to fight women like you who come in and try to push out the husband's past, and they shouldn't have to. 

Your job is to support your husband.  Not take over his children and push the mother out of the picture.  The father doesn't have rules, you do.  Too bad you can't find another way to matter to your husband than to take over the parenting job the he abdicated to you.  SHAME ON HIM for allowing you to destroy the mother of his children. 

A child identifies with their parents so much so that they are okay if their parents are okay.  If you and the father have made those children believe that their mother is inadequate, then on some level they get the message that they are.  You shouldn't have thrown the parties or volunteered at school, you should have allowed the dad to do this, and if he couldn't then offered it to their mother.  If neither of them could do it, THEN AND ONLY THEN should you step in to do this for the children.  UNLESS AND UNTIL you realize that those children need their mother AND their father AND YOU AREN'T EITHER of those, those children suffer on a level you can't understand.  Until they turn on you later in life and tell you. 

I know, my son is finally getting to the age where he's letting everyone know how much he resents the grown ups in his life and how they've compromised his childhood in the name of making themselves matter somewhere...how sad it that?   

Thankfully, he and I are still okay and muddling through battles that shouldn't need to be fought.  But I swore to him on the day he was born that I would do my best to help him grow up to be a "whole" adult and I will continue that fight regardless of what hoops my ex-husband and his wife try to throw my way.