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Replies to 'Co-Parenting'
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January 31, 2006, 11:33 pm PST
 Quote From: jheanmari My ex-husband and i have been divorced for 10 years. We broke up because he had a cocaine addiction, alcoholism, and he was cheating. My kids were 3 and 5 at the time. They were distraught and abandoned as was i. We went through a long healing process together, which included having to deal with alot of hell from my ex. Him claiming he was clean and getting help. Not showing up at baseball games or visiting them at all. Going missing at times for months, and his family lying to my kids and telling them they did not know where he was. My kids at times thought he was dead. He stole from me. He even stole from my sons baseball coach. He's been in and out of jail in the past. I only allowed my kids to see him if i knew he was clean. My kids hated that, but they really didn't understand what drug abuse was neither, so in a way, i overprotected them. I broke my back to make sure my kids were ok and safe. I quit jobs if they didn't allow me to be home as much as i wanted to with them. I LIVED for them. He abandoned them, emotionally abused them. I always tried to stay close to my ex, so i knew what was going on in his life in order to protect my kids. A couple of years later, my ex cleaned up his act and tried to be a good father. Basically becoming my co-partner parent, which i liked because it also gave me a break. I trusted he was doing good. Then my son turned 15 and sprang the big one on me that he wanted to live with his dad. It was a knife to my heart, but i understood also, but i was scared. and his dad lived 2 hours away. There was nothing i could do, so he moved. I waited a year, and i couldn't take it anymore, so me and my daughter moved close to them, about 10 minutes away. She was excited to be near both of them. My ex actually found the house and moved us, which was good. I see my ex and speak to him alot. The last time I saw him, he displays the drug abusing behaviours he use to, and drinking heavily. I know he is using cocaine again. My gut and heart tell me. He is nasty, and verbally abusive , then he tells me he is selling pot for extra money. Then he has my daughter over for a weekend , and proceeds to get so drunk, and next thing i know, it is 10:30 on a friday night, she is still out, she is 13, driving around with a pregnant 18 year old girl, that is his girlfriends daughter, while he is out hammered somewhere. I told my kids, he is using drugs and i have to go to court about it. I also left him a message to my ex telling him what a bad father he is. He let them listen to the message, and even though he cursed me out in the most disgusting way that a drug addict would do, They refuse to believe me, they have turned on me and will not have anything to do with me now. They told me, even though he said such disgusting and horrible things to me, he didn't call me a bad mother. That's how twisted that house is. Although i am hurt to the worst extent, i have to admit, i am so mad at them also for turning on me after all i have done. I have only done good, and he only did bad. Is it wrong for me to be mad at them. and what can i do? I can understand you pain and your frustration. I am glad to see that you are following your instincts, and picking up on your ex's drug addicted behavior. As a recovering drug addict and alcoholic myself, it seems as though this man has manipulated your children, and they are at a vulnerable age at that. As far as your question, is it wrong for you to be mad at your children, I don't feel that it's wrong for people to have feelings about a particular situation. My advice to you, would be to have little or limited conversation with your ex, if possible, because I can tell you, when you are dealing with someone that is active in their addiction, not only do they not hear what you say, or care, they will turn it around on you and manipulate the situation and justify their behavior, because that is what drug addicts and alcoholics do. It's like adding fuel to the fire. Deep down, he knows what a puke he is, he know what a terrible father he is and that he is not doing the right things by himself or by his children, and these kinds if things could be what continues to fuel the addictions at hand. A person like him may very well need a 12 step program and a sponsor, but only he can decide that for himself. As for yourself, I think you may benefit from some alanon meetings, as you would be suprised to see how many people deal with this same garbage day in and day out, and you will receive great advice as to how to deal with these people that drink alcoholicly and are active in addictions. As far as your children, I would set your feelings of anger aside, and come from a place of love, and make sure that your kids continuously know that you love them and that you are there for them, and set aside all the garbage that has happened so that you can have a relationship with your kids. Even if they don't come around for awhile, keep your heart open to them and be available, because the chances are, if they are around the chaos of an alcoholic drug addict, they going to need you sooner than later in a big way. |
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