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Replies to 'Toxic Family Relationships'
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July 24, 2005, 4:50 am PDT
 My dad is somebody how is very self centred. He was married to my mother for 17 years but ran off with her best friend. His actions devistated the family. Our family unit was broken up, we had to move house. We had hardly any money etc.. things settled down eventually and we tried to make peace with my moms best friend. He married her and we thought he was doing the right thing. They seemed very happy and were married for almost 7 years. We were really attached to her and even my mother began to come round and we even got together for 1 xmas (since my parents split I always used to have 2 xmas and 2 birthday etc..and hated it..I used to get very stressed about it when I was young). Anyway, my father ran away with another woman (well I say ran away...we don't know the full story but he told his mother he was 'looking for somebody else' while he was still married which is dissappointing and so typical of him. I was 13 when my parents split and I'm now 33 and he still annoyes me...I can't seem to forgive him what's wrong with me!!!! I just can't seem to get over it (I think?). I live in a different country to him and he is now in a relationship with a woman about 20 years younger than him. I don't see him ever and we only chat via email every 3 months or so...he doesn't bother to keep in touch as he says he's too busy and I guess I don't either as every time I hear from him I get annoyed and teary...just feel so horrible everytime I think about him and our pathatic relationship. My mother gave me some good advice as she knows what he's like - she said to lower my expectations of him that way I wouldn't be disappointed all the time and I have followed this advice and seem to have left my bad feelings behind and moved on. We got on okay when he lived closer and was married to his second wife but since he moved countries again and now is with this new woman (who seems quite nice) he is really into her 2 children who are quite young. He keeps sending me pictures of them all laughing and having 'family' time together...I feel quite bitter that I missed out on that stuff with him due to his selfish ways! He doesn't think it's insensative and I have told him many times how I feel about everything but he just says this is his life now (basically accept it)...I do accept it...but why do I keep feeling so horrible when I think or talk to him? Why can't I let it go...I can't help feeling deep down that (as I never see him) if I let 'it' go I will let him go too! My husband hates me getting letters or talking to my dad as it upsets me for months after...what should I do...move on and forget about him? I can't deal with him and not feel like this (realise this now)...put up with it?? what? I have my own baby now and with my husband feel like I have my own family set up so 'need' him...so why can't I let it go? sorry said 'need' him...I ment to type - I don't need him. Thing is I have made sure I don't have any 'need' for him by having no expectations...so if I don't speak to him often and don't have any 'need' for him why do I keep feeling like this? What is stopping a 33 year old grown woman with her own husband and baby from moving on?? I want to let go of these feelings but perhaps I feel I need to forgive him to do so...and I don't know if I can as he's put himself first so many times...I forgave him once with my mothers best friend as he told me it was love etc.. we (the family) all worked so hard to get along and we came such a long way...then he cheated on her (we think)..so why forgive and forgive...Oprah said when somebody shows you what they are like the first time don't make them show you again and again...so true...so he has shown his true colours...why can't I let him go? |
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July 24, 2005, 12:11 pm PDT
My dad is somebody how is very self centred. He was married to my mother for 17 years but ran off with her best friend. His actions devistated the family. Our family unit was broken up, we had to move house. We had hardly any money etc.. things settled down eventually and we tried to make peace with my moms best friend. He married her and we thought he was doing the right thing. They seemed very happy and were married for almost 7 years. We were really attached to her and even my mother began to come round and we even got together for 1 xmas (since my parents split I always used to have 2 xmas and 2 birthday etc..and hated it..I used to get very stressed about it when I was young). Anyway, my father ran away with another woman (well I say ran away...we don't know the full story but he told his mother he was 'looking for somebody else' while he was still married which is dissappointing and so typical of him. I was 13 when my parents split and I'm now 33 and he still annoyes me...I can't seem to forgive him what's wrong with me!!!! I just can't seem to get over it (I think?). I live in a different country to him and he is now in a relationship with a woman about 20 years younger than him. I don't see him ever and we only chat via email every 3 months or so...he doesn't bother to keep in touch as he says he's too busy and I guess I don't either as every time I hear from him I get annoyed and teary...just feel so horrible everytime I think about him and our pathatic relationship. My mother gave me some good advice as she knows what he's like - she said to lower my expectations of him that way I wouldn't be disappointed all the time and I have followed this advice and seem to have left my bad feelings behind and moved on. We got on okay when he lived closer and was married to his second wife but since he moved countries again and now is with this new woman (who seems quite nice) he is really into her 2 children who are quite young. He keeps sending me pictures of them all laughing and having 'family' time together...I feel quite bitter that I missed out on that stuff with him due to his selfish ways! He doesn't think it's insensative and I have told him many times how I feel about everything but he just says this is his life now (basically accept it)...I do accept it...but why do I keep feeling so horrible when I think or talk to him? Why can't I let it go...I can't help feeling deep down that (as I never see him) if I let 'it' go I will let him go too! My husband hates me getting letters or talking to my dad as it upsets me for months after...what should I do...move on and forget about him? I can't deal with him and not feel like this (realise this now)...put up with it?? what? I have my own baby now and with my husband feel like I have my own family set up so 'need' him...so why can't I let it go? When reading your message all I was thinking about is my own dad and how I stand in our relationship with him. I too have trouble letting go of how he is and not being able to accept just that. I too still wish he was different and that I could accept him and love him more than I do now. It is hard to even love a man who is so different than I am, and the way I think about what is appropriate or not. I mean, I love him because he is my father, but I don't feel the love that I for instance feel for my twinsister, or my older sister, or my mother. It's hard to come to terms with that. I think the main thing is, to stop being vulnerable around him. It's like your mom has said, lower your expectations of him. He's not the 'perfect guy' you thought your dad was when you were growing up. He's a grown up that makes stupid misstakes and unfortunately he's the one living with the consequences. It's like Dr Phil said, if you need HIM to do something that will make you able to get past this, you may have to wait a long, long time. So YOU yourself need to do something to make you able to get past this. You have your own life now, that is good. Focus on that. You don't want your baby to pick up on the anger and resentment you feel towards your father, so that your baby grows up with this same anger and resentment. Babies pick up more of your emotions than you would think at first. They know. Just accept your dad is who he is, and make sure you let go of the anger and resentment for what he has done in the past. I know it is hard. I am struggling with that every day with my own father. And sometimes i do well, and other times I go hard against him and we get into a fight and I feel I am even more vulnerable than before. I guess what I am trying to say is, stop giving your dad the power over your life and over the way you feel and experience things. Stop letting him put a dark cloud over your life when you think about him. Just accept him for who he is and let him be. Concentrate on you and on your own family. Sending you much strength.... Petra |
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September 1, 2005, 5:24 pm PDT
Quote From: steph1972 My dad is somebody how is very self centred. He was married to my mother for 17 years but ran off with her best friend. His actions devistated the family. Our family unit was broken up, we had to move house. We had hardly any money etc.. things settled down eventually and we tried to make peace with my moms best friend. He married her and we thought he was doing the right thing. They seemed very happy and were married for almost 7 years. We were really attached to her and even my mother began to come round and we even got together for 1 xmas (since my parents split I always used to have 2 xmas and 2 birthday etc..and hated it..I used to get very stressed about it when I was young). Anyway, my father ran away with another woman (well I say ran away...we don't know the full story but he told his mother he was 'looking for somebody else' while he was still married which is dissappointing and so typical of him. I was 13 when my parents split and I'm now 33 and he still annoyes me...I can't seem to forgive him what's wrong with me!!!! I just can't seem to get over it (I think?). I live in a different country to him and he is now in a relationship with a woman about 20 years younger than him. I don't see him ever and we only chat via email every 3 months or so...he doesn't bother to keep in touch as he says he's too busy and I guess I don't either as every time I hear from him I get annoyed and teary...just feel so horrible everytime I think about him and our pathatic relationship. My mother gave me some good advice as she knows what he's like - she said to lower my expectations of him that way I wouldn't be disappointed all the time and I have followed this advice and seem to have left my bad feelings behind and moved on. We got on okay when he lived closer and was married to his second wife but since he moved countries again and now is with this new woman (who seems quite nice) he is really into her 2 children who are quite young. He keeps sending me pictures of them all laughing and having 'family' time together...I feel quite bitter that I missed out on that stuff with him due to his selfish ways! He doesn't think it's insensative and I have told him many times how I feel about everything but he just says this is his life now (basically accept it)...I do accept it...but why do I keep feeling so horrible when I think or talk to him? Why can't I let it go...I can't help feeling deep down that (as I never see him) if I let 'it' go I will let him go too! My husband hates me getting letters or talking to my dad as it upsets me for months after...what should I do...move on and forget about him? I can't deal with him and not feel like this (realise this now)...put up with it?? what? I have my own baby now and with my husband feel like I have my own family set up so 'need' him...so why can't I let it go?
Because YOU have not chosen to let him go. Understand the little girl inside of you.. the one he abandoned- still wants her ideal dad. My mother.. my real mom.. the mom who was my defender, and happy to have me. Died. So in death we are forced to let go. If I were you. I would send any letters back unopened. I would delete the e-mails and I would go on as if he were dead. he is in heave now with his new wife and "kids". so let him be in heaven. Litterally, and Figuratively. |
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September 7, 2007, 10:18 am PDT
Quote From: steph1972 My dad is somebody how is very self centred. He was married to my mother for 17 years but ran off with her best friend. His actions devistated the family. Our family unit was broken up, we had to move house. We had hardly any money etc.. things settled down eventually and we tried to make peace with my moms best friend. He married her and we thought he was doing the right thing. They seemed very happy and were married for almost 7 years. We were really attached to her and even my mother began to come round and we even got together for 1 xmas (since my parents split I always used to have 2 xmas and 2 birthday etc..and hated it..I used to get very stressed about it when I was young). Anyway, my father ran away with another woman (well I say ran away...we don't know the full story but he told his mother he was 'looking for somebody else' while he was still married which is dissappointing and so typical of him. I was 13 when my parents split and I'm now 33 and he still annoyes me...I can't seem to forgive him what's wrong with me!!!! I just can't seem to get over it (I think?). I live in a different country to him and he is now in a relationship with a woman about 20 years younger than him. I don't see him ever and we only chat via email every 3 months or so...he doesn't bother to keep in touch as he says he's too busy and I guess I don't either as every time I hear from him I get annoyed and teary...just feel so horrible everytime I think about him and our pathatic relationship. My mother gave me some good advice as she knows what he's like - she said to lower my expectations of him that way I wouldn't be disappointed all the time and I have followed this advice and seem to have left my bad feelings behind and moved on. We got on okay when he lived closer and was married to his second wife but since he moved countries again and now is with this new woman (who seems quite nice) he is really into her 2 children who are quite young. He keeps sending me pictures of them all laughing and having 'family' time together...I feel quite bitter that I missed out on that stuff with him due to his selfish ways! He doesn't think it's insensative and I have told him many times how I feel about everything but he just says this is his life now (basically accept it)...I do accept it...but why do I keep feeling so horrible when I think or talk to him? Why can't I let it go...I can't help feeling deep down that (as I never see him) if I let 'it' go I will let him go too! My husband hates me getting letters or talking to my dad as it upsets me for months after...what should I do...move on and forget about him? I can't deal with him and not feel like this (realise this now)...put up with it?? what? I have my own baby now and with my husband feel like I have my own family set up so 'need' him...so why can't I let it go? It is understandable that it is so hard. I have a similar situation, that I am 42 married with great kids and any contact with my family makes me so sad and makes it hard for me to function. I think for you it is because you want to tell your Dad, go away, go enjoy that "new family", it seems he has no real ability to make longstanding relationships or care for people. You don't want to have to deal with this younger woman and children. You should focus on the great things in your life, and realize he makes you sad. He is a disappointment and maybe contact with him will always make you feel that dissapointment. Deciede if as an adult any contact is good for you, and if it is set up realalistic expectations and limit the contact. It stinks to have destructive father. It seems he does not acknowledge that you are angry with him for messing up the structure of your life and how his varied activities affect not only him but you too. You should realize all of his different relationships give you extra crap to deal with. Maybe if you aknowedge how sad he makes you all of the time you can move forward and choose what you want to do. You cannot move forward without realizing how angry and crappy he makes you feel. |
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