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February 7, 2006, 10:54 pm PST
family thinks she didn't mean to hang herself, denial is so hard
Quote From: coltrayI fully understand what you are saying January 8th the absolute love of my love commited suicide also. He to cried wolf many many times and often just needed me to help him through it. On Sunday i told him I couldn't help him anymore and this is when he did it. I feel real quilty now because I wasn't there to help him when he needed me. I just thought it was going to be another one of those days. I have a hard time functioning during the day and was hospitalized once already. He was my soulmate and we were just starting to get this together. I told him that morning that I was going to move in with him and our life was set. I don't understand why he chose that day to do it. I am so confused and extremely hurt I am not sure how to deal with it. My daughter hung herself after years of threatening suicide, she had apparently been "fixated" on nooses before she died. One of the things that is so hard for me is that no one in the family thinks she committed suicide! It is so hard, I can't really talk about her death with any of them because they think she was faking it and slipped. I cannot seem to get them to acknowledge the fact that a person who is "fixated" on hanging themselves is a suicidal person. She was bipolar and didn't stay on her medication, she avoided therapy and she just ended it. There was no note, no explanation, no answers, no her.
It haunts me, I was focused on my own grief at the arrest and incarceration of my husband, and I was not even communicating with her at the time of her death. She was just so difficult to deal with, I didn't have the energy to deal with all of the behavior and difficulties that came along with her mental illness. I hope that one day I will be able to forgive myself for not being there for her. She called me about 3 weeks before she took her life and I just was very cool. I told her that my life was a shambles and I didn't have the energy to deal with her problems.
My baby killed herself, as I type this is only the third or fourth time I have really cried about this since the funeral and the time immediately after it, because it hurts so bad I am afraid. I loved her so much, she was so sick, and I couldn't help her, I tried for so many years to get her to take her meds and go to get treatment. Does it ever get easier with a suicide?
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