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Replies to '06/21 "Throw It Out!"'
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February 5, 2006, 8:21 pm PST
 Quote From: allgirl21 I had been hoping Dr. Phil would do a show on those of us who clutter. I have been extremely disappointed when he has done this type of show in the past.
I usually agree with Dr. Phil, but what he has done in the past is send a truck to clean out those folks home. THAT DOES NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM. It's like taking the bottle an alcohol has right now and pouring it down the drain. The alcoholic just goes and buys another bottle to drink from. The clutter-bug will just re-clutter.
Thankfully Dr. Phil didn't send the trucks right away. But I'm not sure he should send them at all. If these folks don't go thru the clutter themselves will they ever be healed? I think you have to do the work to get the results you want -- isn't that what Dr. Phil usually says?
I think Dr. Phil is still missing the boat on hoarders, pack-rats, clutterers. (I read in a book once by 2 former clutter-bug sisters, that those who don't clutter can't understand those of us who do/or useed to because our brains are set up differently.) I don't think Dr. Phil understands the seriousness of this problem.
While I will agree that his 2 guests have other problems, including grieving the loss of a parent, these folks I believe have a deeper problem. Why isn't anyone researching this. As the realtor posted here - we would be surprised to see all the people who have this problem.
I BELIEVE IT MAY BE AN ADDICTION - LIKE THOSE WHO ARE ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL, DRUGS, FOOD, SHOPPING.
Speaking from my own family, I always say it is genetic. I joke about this to others, but I ultimately believe there is truth there. My 102 year old grandmother has always been a collector, keeper, clutterer. My aunts are the same way. My mother raised me in a cluttered home and I have tried desperately, but unsuccessfully most of the time, not to raise my daughter this way. (I also believe my father's father may have been the same way.)
I believe my 102 year old grandmother was raised under similar circumstances. I'm a more likely to be a clutter-bug because of genetics, just like the alcoholic is genetically more likely to be an alcoholic? Or maybe it's some form of learned behavior - but when you know it doesn't make sense why do you keep harming yourself. I see similarities between those dealing with a recognized form of addiction and those having pack-rat mentality.
I don't want to be an addict, but am I addicted to things? They certainly keep the outside world from coming in!! Just like the alcoholic who doesn't have to face the world sober, I can keep the outside world from coming in - at least to my house.
That's the biggest heart-break of all. For myself and for my daughter. (I'm a single mom and things in my house were never this bad when I was a stay-at-home mom, but once I was divorced and had to go to work, I lost a lot of the organizational time I needed to keep my home from becoming cluttered!)
My daughter can't have friends over, because I'm embarrased about our home and at 16 her room is a diaster because she's repeating my behavior. To the point that I can't even redecorate her room - she still has the nursery wallpaper boarder on her walls from her baby days. I've offered to totally redecorate her room if she'll just clean it. But like her mom, she's too busy with everything else in life.
It's heart-breaking for me, because I don't want her to repeat my mistakes. It's also heart-breaking for me because I am unable to fulfill one of my biggest dreams for myself. That is to be married to a man of honor. Dr. Phil's Love Smart is right on track - and in my own way I have made my lists of what I need in a mate. I could be one of Dr. Phil's Love Smart girls - but I would need to clean my house first.
I have been hurt by others in the past, physically, sexually, emotionally and financially. I sometimes wonder if keeping a cluttered home is a way of building a wall around myself and keeping others from getting close enough to hurt me again. I have been in an on-again-off-again relationship with the same man for nearly 9 years - he has never been in my house. He has never asked why, and I have never told him why. Everything else about me looks so put together.
Dr. Phil please address the addictive behaviors of a pack-rat. My hoarding is probably very directly related to my attachment disorder--it functions as a way of keeping me from getting close to others so they can't get into my life and hurt me, as happened when I was little. Perhaps the origin of starting to collect was my way of trying to fill the hole in my heart, or trying to save everything I could since I'd already lost what meant so much to me. Your paragraph 10 comments on your having not had this trouble before getting divorced. Regardless of how much some people look forward to getting a divorce, it does represent a loss. You mentioned your dream of being married to a man of honor. Poof. That dream was gone--and your daughter lost a very important connection with her dad. Even if these were not good relatiionships, the hopes and dreams could remain, at least until divorced.Alcoholism also runs in my family--even my adopted brother--and so did the inability to relate to others and to experience one's own feelings and respond appropriately to them. Since there was no modeling of such functional behavior for my Mom to learn from, she didn't have much chance of teaching it to us. My brothers and I did a good job of figuring out how to stuff our feelings so we wouldn't have to deal with them. I do not consider this to be genetic. I consider it a learned behavior--granted it wasn't an intended one, but was definitely and clearly taught. Some people know how to have, respond to and learn from their feelings. They don't end up being alcoholics and they manage to bring up their kids with approp. social/survival skills. I believe my addiction, if I'm to call it that, would be to isolation (ie the absence of connecting with others). Recovery from this is to learn how to make these connections and start doing it. Since this is not an easy or comfortable process, I instinctively avoid it. Doesn't this sound very similar to what alcoholics and other addicts deal with? If I call it genetic I don't have to look at what my job is or what my deficiencies are--just that no one likes me, which isn't my fault. After all, the mess can't be the reason no one likes me because no one sees it. It is this kind of thing that my therapist has me practicing--joining in with others--not just addressing the mess. |
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