Replies to '02/10 Last Chance'

I really hope you find the strength to get away from him and that situation.  I don't like when people say they are staying together for the children that is BOLOGNA!  You think it is good for the kids to hear all the fighting and hateful things being said? 

I pray for you and hope you get out and make yourself happy.  You don't need a man to be happy especially not one like him.  12 years is a long time in this short life to be sad and miserable. 

Hey, not sure how old you are and it may be that your young, I'm not sure. Do you have a best friend? Imagine the man in your life being your best friend. Imagine if he looked forward to any time he might get to spend with you and would gladly forgo every weekend at the bar because he'd rather hang around with you and the kids and actually like it. Sounds like your hubby doesn't want to be agrown up and maybe finds you and the kids to be a responsibility that he'd rather escape. Stop being the crazy stalker wife who spends all her time chasing around someone who doesn't want to be with her. Get a life of your own and interests of your own. While hes gone, take the kids to the zoo or join classes - hey whatever your thing is. Be too busy to worry about him. It will make him wonder where and when you became a person without him. And you are, you know, a person with or without him. If your problems lie in doing the same old dance...this may help find you more interesting and improve your situation. On the other hand, you may find that you are far more interesting than you thought you were and you really won't care if hes around or not. Interesting people attract others and looks often don't have anything to do with it. I bet you will be surprised by what you learn about yourself once you get looking for interesting things about your self.  

Rather than say " Leave the bum - right here and now" I thought you could use some tools in getting to that point. Remember your children are watching and they're learning, show them how to be a person.....all on your own.   Good luck!!!! 

I hear what you're saying about the 2 of you hurting each other & it seems it's something you've done over & over through the years, but if you look back at your post you both seem to invest yourselves in *self destructive* behavior as well.   When we see our spouse or someone treating us in a disrespectful way it's easy to think we should just cut them from our life & frankly this is what I would do when it isn't someone I've a real relationship with.  But when it comes to our family members I think it's a different thing & our spouse is family.  On top of this I think it's important for you to find out why you need to strike out at someone you love & hurt them & why you accept it in return.  If you read back you'll see that regardless of the reasoning you use the fact is that you do things that you know are going to hurt & then you point them right out to your spouse.  This isn't to lay blame on you but rather for me to point out you want to find out why it is you do what you do so that you can work on yourself.  Even if this relationship ends you don't want to continue to repeat these mistakes in future romantic relationships or in relationships with your children etc.  It's been said by many therapists (Dr. Phil included)  that people often divorce and then just continue to repeat the same relationship mistakes over & over.  

I think as long as you're saying things like "I really don't know" and "I don't know what holds us together besides the kids" then that means you shouldn't act in any manner that is going to be permenantly severing your marriage.  There are many people that share children and that does not stop them from walking out either.  Perhaps what binds you is a lot more than you realize?  You said you both had painful childhoods & from the outside it looks like you both ingage in self destructive behavior.  I think these are things worth exploring prior tojust walking away.  Even if children are the only thing that is binding you right now, that is a huge thing you share in common.  Rather than divorcing and starting completely over why don't you just stay where you are and start working on yourself with some counseling just for you & maybe some self reflection as well.  At the same time you may want to explain to your husband that you feel your marriage is failing and that you could use some marriage couseling.  As I read back I realize that you've never actually said that you're marriaed and just that you're in a relationship with each other.  You were and are young but I still believe the same could be true as if you were married.  Many people take vows & yet they don't really mean them &/or that isn't enough tohold them together.  Maybe you're both still there because in reality neither one wants to leave? 

 Rather than filing for divorce or seperating I think you need to just stop and get a hold of yourself.  Start doing things to put yourself  together emotionally.  Living where your are right now I would think would afford you the freedom of having a bit more money and the ability to do for yourself a bit more.  Having 5 kids is going to make it difficult on your own to just go on a weekend retreat or to a spa.  Do some things for yourself that are nice.  Be nice to yourself right now and then allow yourself to explore what your own emotional needs are.  If you & he thought that you were just going to be able to fix whatever was wrong in your childhood & now you see you're spinning out of control it's time to seek some help outside of the 2 of you.  Doing that doesn't mean you have to walk away from each other yet & walking away might just add to the horrible things done to you & him.  Him going out with the guys all the time might be his own self destructive behavior and the beginning of a drinking problem.  I just don't think that either of you have the ability to make clear rational decisions because there's so much turmoil & until you can make a clear & rational decisions I think you should just stay put.  You know the idea that you and he were going to be able to "fix each other" to me would mean you were looking to help heal each ohter.  Being more mature now you might see that helping each other might be in seeking some outside assistance.  I don't know you or him, but hearing you've 5 children together and all you've been through together I think you owe it to yourelves and each other to explore the posibility that maybe you just haven't found the personal help you both need and to try that before walking away.   

Of course that isn't indefinitely and once you have started to build some self esteem & if you're seeing that staying is just continuing to tear you down then yes you should break away.   

Good luck   

I am not a professional, nor do I pretend to be one. All I can do is offer you comfort and my story. 

I feel that you and I have enough similarities that a part of my life story might help you, if only to let you know that there are those of us out there who have had the same type of pain that you are feeling now, and that there are many wonderful people in this world who will gladly be there for you, myself included. I will say a prayer for you today and hope that you will find a reason to smile today. This is part of my story and I hope that it helps you. 

I have done many of the same things that you have done. I chased my ex around town and put his stuff out on the doorstep. I called the bars to see if he was there and how much he was drinking and who he was with. I called friends to go out and locate him because I was stuck at home with our infant twin boys. I have made a public fool of myself. I cheated on him in the first few months to get back at him, and I was 17 when we first began our relationship. I never physicallly hurt myself, but I did a humdinger of a job on my emotions and mental state. 

IN FACT, BECAUSE OF HOW I WAS ACTING, I LOST MYSELF. 

It is a very lonely place to be when you are unsure of how to move on in your life, whether your husband is with you or not. It is also very scary to admit that you have played a role in how insane your life has become. This is how I found the help I needed to get my life back on track: 

01. I phoned someone whom I knew would be honest with me and tell me what I needed to hear, rather than what I wanted to hear. 

02. I found myself a twelve step program that deals with the people around the drinker, and how their lives had become unmanageable. 

03. I read books that offered me points to ponder and guides for me to make my own choices with. 

04. I never gave up that I could change my life, better the life of my children, and become the happy, serene, and beautiful person I dreamed to be. 

05. I continued with this twelve step program (and am still a member), even through a second pregnancy, a split from my childrens' father, a resurgance of who I was, dating again, and actually getting married to someone that deserves me just as much as I deserve him. 

06. I keep myself in check by continuing to go to my meetings, and being grateful for just how far I have come......... 

When I hear where you are at, I feel for you because I can now say, "There but for the grace of God go I".   I hope that if I haven't helped you, that someone else can. Don't give up, seek the help and support that youdeserve to make your life the very  best that it can be. 

Sad and Confused, I am thinking of you right now, and even though we cannot see eachother or hear eachother, please know that a hug has been sent your way. 

Lisels