Replies to '02/10 Last Chance'

OMG, thats got to hurt. Sounds like your still dreaming that he is going to feel sorry for what he is doing and want to come back.  I guess if I were you I'd ask myself..."Am I really that desperate or I am a stronger person than that?" From an outsiders perspective..you sound kind of wishy washy and weak and sad. I bet deep down...your alot tougher than that....Look deep and find out for yourself. 

 Wedding vows are words you spoke when you both were in love....all things change...and you have to change with them. Your using these vows as an excuse to be clinging to a man that doesn't want you. Hyou needto ard and cold truth. Your husband cares a great deal about himself....and obviously no one else. This other woman satisfies only his need to gratify himself. Reach around yourself and give yourself a big hug if you can. I mean it, physically do it. It feels quite good.  

I had a friend that was in a similar circumstance as you and she never quit hoping that her husband would come back and be sorry. She eventually starting drinking etc. and became nothing but an empty shell that spent all her time focused on her bitterness for this man. Deal Lord...don't do that to yourself. This man doesn't want to be with you.....its nothing wrong with you (look at Prince Charles choosing Camilla over Diana??) it just means the fates want to learn more about yourself. 

Repicture this whole event...make it all about you and not him. In fact start making your own life all about you......what can you do for yourself? Go find out girl!!!! get your self busy with other things and leave him to rot in his dark hole of selfism. Even if he does want to come back one day (which I doubt) you need to be in a position, at that time, to make that desicion based on your own self esteem. If you have a library in your area..go and read about self esteem and raising it. Your husband and this other lady are moving forward together and without you...maybe it will work...maybe it won't ....but who cares!!!!! make today the day that you do something special for yourself and don't even allow him to be in your thoughts...just for one whole day...then work on tomorrow. 

Being a married woman to someone I consider my soul mate & best friend I can see how this would be a very painful wound.  I don't see you as just sad or wishy washy just that you've been blind sided not just by your husband but someone else you considered a friend too.  I think it takes us time to heal from things & to come to terms with them as well.  Clearly you take your wedding vows seriously & again I agree.  To me these were not just some words I spoke when I was in love.  They were a "vow" I made to my husband in front of God & all our loved ones that I'd love him till death do us part.  This is the reason this is so painful for you because it's clear you'd meant those vows as well and so it's difficult to understand how this person who we loved, admired and respected could do something like that.  And it ins't the person we know any longer and of course if this person becomes someone you don't recognize then he's no longer the person you'd made this vow to.     

With that said I think the real issue here is what's happening right now & for you to sort out the feelings you're having.  I think you're going through the normal feelings of someone who's grieving a loss & we don't always see a divorce the same as a death but it's really just as painful and I believe we need tolet ourselves mourn a bit.  No one could love someone for 10 or 14 yrs. & expect to just let go of a loved one & get over it & pick yourself up & dust yourself off.  Allow yourself to grieve for the person he WAS that he no longer IS.   

Because you've been with him for so long & now you're finding yourself without him & him acting so out of character of course it's natural to wonder if he's going to suddenly snap out of it & think what you'll do then.  This all could very well be a life stage for him thinking the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence & he could turn around and find in 6 months that he's screwed up his life & wants to turn back the hands of time.  What you do at that time if it comes is really up to you & depends on where you are at the time.  Mid life or not there are consequences to our actions & whatever comes from his actions are his responsibility.  I believe once he's broken his vows to you then you should no longer be held to yours.  A reconsiliation is something for you to consider later if it comes up & yes again I think it's natural for you to entertain this fantasy when you're heart is broken with the idea that the person you loved and trusted has betrayed you.  But right now that's all this is is a fantasy.   

I do agree wholeheartedly that you should start to busy yourself with friends and look to try to start to heal your heart.  There's nothing wrong with mouring a loss but you don't want to allow this to turn you bitter.  Many people do become bitter and then I feel that the spouse that created all this has not only broken your heart but ruined it for you to experience any happiness in your life.  Or I feel they've "won".  I say completely let go of him.  This is especially true if this is a mid life crisis type problem because the more you hold on the more he'll struggle for freedom.  People always want what they cannot have!  This is why they seek out a woman that is considered off limits because it's something that's not suppose to be available to him.  It's someone they cannot have.   Some don't even realize untill later that this was the only part of the appeal of the other person to start with.  And wouldn't that be the case with a woman down the street who's a friend?  I mean this is the epitomy of a person who would be a taboo or off limits. 

Anyway let him do what he will & just start to construct a new life for yourself.  Consider this a new chaper in your life with many new things to discover & don't allow yourself to sit around being gloomy & doomy & such.  I'm sure your children have been hurt by his behavior and it must be very painful for them to see you in this pain.  They should see that you are going to recover from this and that while you disapprove of his behavior he is still their father.  I think it's important to start right from the start in instilling that this is not something *they did* and that they do not have to pick sides etc.  You don't want them to feel that any of this is about them, it's only about the 2 of you as a couple & you'll both always love them.  

I believe you owe it to yourself to start to put yourself back together and to then allow yourself a life that includes happiness and you owe this to your children too.  I also feel that the best revenge in these matters is to be happy in your new life & yes he'll be envious that he's no longer a part of it.   

I can relate very closely to your situation.  I am 32 years old, together with my husband for 14 years and married for 11.5 years, and have four children.  A couple of months after our fourth child was born, my husband told me that he was't in love with me any more.  I immediately sought counseling, both couples and individual for both of us.  We had been attending for about 10 months and our communication seemed to be improving, though he was still being emotionally and verbally abusive.  I found out that while I was out of town attending a family reunion with my grandmother and four children, that he had gone on a weekend cruise with another woman.  I was devastated...I never thought I would find myself in this position.  I take my wedding vows very seriously, and felt that I owed it to my children to to anything and everything in my power to make this work.  I told him very specifically that I was still sticking by my vows...for better or worse...but that he needed to make some serious changes including dropping this other relationship so that he could make an honest effort to work on our marriage, and if he wasn't willing to do that, then it was over. He agreed.   

Five months later, I have discovered several reciepts that indicate when he is supposed to be out of town on business trips, that infact he is out of town, but not where he says he is.  He does have some legitimate business travel, but he tacks on extra days here and there, thinking I won't notice.  He is lying to me again, and he has stopped initiating sex with me all together.  He doesn't know that I know what he is up to...he takes me for a fool.  I am in the process of consulting with an attorney and trying to put some safeguards in place for myself and my children, as I am a stay-at-home mom and my children are very young.  I have struggled greatly with this decision, as I know it will forever affect and change the lives of my children.  However, lying and cheating are not things  that I am willing to accept.  I deserve better.  I think about the message that I would be sending to my children if I keep allowing him to do this to me.  It also affects who I am...he has had the power to make me feel lonley, depressed, worthless, unattractive, angry, sad, lost...and all of these feelings affect how I interact with and react to my children on a daily basis.  I can't allow him to have that much power over me any longer.  I am a strong woman, and I know that I can make a good life for myself and my children.   

I never thought I would be going down this road...no one in my close family has ever been divorced, and in some ways I feel like I'm failing them and my children.  I take marriage and vows very seriously.  I was always taught that you don't make promises you can't keep.  At what point do you stand up and say "I've done absolutely everything I can"...it still feels like giving up.  If it were just he and I, it would be much easier to decide...I would have already left.  But when I have four small children who will be very hurt and forever affected by this decision, it's a much more difficult one to make.   

A part of me hopes that when this all unfolds before him he will see the light for the sake of our children, and decide to make some very serious changes.  However, I can't allow him to do this to me again, so he is going to have to work really hard to prove that this is what he wants and show that he has changed. Unfortunately, I am not counting on this to happen, since this is the second time that I've caught him lying to me.  As for his girlfriend, someone who is knowingly willing to lie down with another woman's husband and father of four children, she deserves everything she gets.  She can have his dirty laundry, cook his meals, clean up his mess, run his business...we'll see how good she looks to him in a few years once real life has a chance to settle in.   

Another really difficult part of this for me is the possibility of another woman coming into my children's lives.  All I have ever wanted was to be a wife and mother.  I take great pride in my children and am very careful in how I raise them.  I haven't done anything to deserve having to miss out on any part of their lives.  I have kept my promise to be a loyal and faithful wife.  I shouldn't have to give up every other weekend or holidays...these are the things I live for...these precious times when they are small and innocent.  I have the right to be there and enjoy every moment. They have the right to have both of their parents there too.  He is missing out on so many things already, because he is choosing to spend time and build a relationship with someone other than the mother of his children.  I know how important it is for them to have a relationship with their father, but he is more focused on himself and what feels good to him right now than trying to do what is best for them.    

All of this is very emotionally draining, and very lonely.  I haven't told my family yet, because I am trying to set aside some money and fix some things at the house that need taken care of, as well as consult with an attorney about anything else I should do to prepare for the worst.  It's lonely sitting here three to five nights per week wondering where he is and who he's with.  I have devoted my life to him and making our dreams come true, so I thought.  I never thought I would be in these shoes.  I know that I am strong, and I can get through it, but any prayers out there are very much appreciated.  My prayers go out to you and any others in this position...and especially to the children involved.